'AITA for wanting to give my niece a photo album of her late parents for Christmas?'
"AITA for wanting to give my niece a photo album of her dead parents for Christmas?"
Hey yall. I (24f) have been planning a special gift for my niece (16f) for this Christmas and her birthday (her birthday is a week after Christmas).
I want to make her a photo album of all the possible pictures of her mom and dad that I can find. for context- her mom passed when she was really young, maybe 5 or so, and her dad (my brother) passed in 2021. I have sole custody of her,, she lives with my full time and is my full responsibility.
I've been going through old photo albums. I've found a lot of pics of my brother and his wife, probably many of which she has never seen. I wanted to take every one I could find and make a photo album for her to keep in her room and look through whenever she likes.
I thought that this was especially a good idea since I noticed she only had one physical photo of them that she had been clinging onto for dear life lol. I recently found all these photos buried in the basement and want to give them to her. Her sister (30something) who is totally uninvolved in her care, says it would be an insensitive gift to give her for Christmas.
While I understand this in a way, I don't really know if there will ever be a "better" time. its hard and emotional no matter what time of year I give it to her, and I thought it would be really special but now I'm reconsidering.
AITA if I do it? do you think this is the wrong time to give it to her, or do you think she'll appreciate it? what is your opinion on this? Help!
EDIT: I absolutely would NOT ever give it to her in front of family. it would 100% be a private affair between her and I.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
oop_norf wrote:
"AITA if I do it?"
No, it's a great idea.
"Do you think this is the wrong time to give it to her."
Possibly. As you say, it'll be hard and emotional whenever you give it to her, and you're right that that isn't going to be any worse at Christmas.
What I think you might be missing is that if you do it at Christmas, that's what Christmas is - she's unlikely to be able to compartmentalise enough to be able to enjoy all the usual Christmas stuff in the usual way and also deal with this. Plus Christmas will probably involve other people.
Whereas if you find another time to give it to her it won't impact her Christmas, it won't impact anyone else's Christmas, and she won't feel any pressure to look like she's happy and enjoying herself in front of any Christmas guests you might have (or even just relatives on the phone).
So, there are NAH - it's a fundamentally good thought on your part, her sister is right to have concerns. IMO just find a weekend to set aside with no other commitments, give it to her Friday evening, have the rest of the weekend to deal with it, don't overlap it with Christmas.
VH5150OU812 wrote:
As someone who has also lost both parents though much later, I don’t think I would want something like that at Christmas or my birthday, but I would want it. Maybe pick a date for a girls’ night in, just you and her. Dinner and convo, then a movie.
Give her the book with an explanation but then let her live with it. From this point on, she leads but with the understanding that you will answer every question she asks of you.
NTA but I would rethink the timing.
Ok-Eye2418 wrote:
You are definitely NTA, but I would reconsider giving her this as a Christmas gift. Instead, I recommend using Christmas as a way to thoughtfully build new memories that she can carry into adulthood. I especially wouldn't give it to her in front of others, or under the tree. Otherwise, Christmas could be inextricably linked to sadness and loss.
I would make the album and give it to her during a private moment, or maybe even put it in her room and before she sees it, sit down for coffee or tea or whatever this teenager likes, and talk about her memories of the photo she already has in her possession.
At that point, you can tell her that you created this incredible gift for her to dive into when she feels ready to do it. And then give her a LOT of space--don't ask for feedback, don't ask if she's looked at it, etc. Let her come to you with comments or questions.
keesouth wrote:
NAH. I kind of get your sister's point that you may not want to do it at Christmas. I would much prefer to give it to her at a more quiet time so she can sit and look through the book and not during Christmas when there's typically a lot more going on.
Why does there have to be an occasion to give the gift to her? Why can't you just give it to her not as a special gift but just as something to let her know you thought she would like it.
catathymia wrote:
Edit to NAH and OP was never an AH, but I agree that it might be better left for another time. A lot of people want Christmas to be a happy moment, a gift like that would be kind of bitter sweet.
Plus, a lot of Christmas gift opening is done around other people where, again, she may feel uncomfortable if she has an emotional reaction to this. I think it'd be better to give her a regular gift and then give her this more personal gift on some occasion outside of a holiday, just the two of you.
CapableImage430 wrote:
It’s a lovely idea, but I would do it strictly as an “I love you” gift. A nice afternoon out together, and a special gift once home. She will treasure it, I think, but not as a holiday gift. NTA, and you are a kind soul for stepping up. Poor girl has already had so much loss. 💔