'AITA for wanting my house and peace back after letting my MIL stay?'
"AITA for wanting my house and peace back after letting my MIL stay?"
I honestly can’t tell if my feelings are completely valid or if it’s just the postpartum hormones, but I need to vent and get this off my chest. I had my baby on September 9th, and a few weeks before that, my husband’s mom’s lease was up. She didn’t have the money to renew it, so we told her she could stay with us temporarily. In my mind I figured she’d stay maybe a month just enough time to save up for a down payment on a new place.
Well…two days after we told her she could move in, she “lost” her job. So instead of just being here occasionally, she’s been here 24/7 ever since. It took her over a month to finally get a new job, which she’s supposed to start Monday. In the time she’s been here, she’s done the dishes maybe three times.
She leaves her dishes in the sink for me, helps herself to our food, and complains about little things around the house. She’s also had issues with alcohol in the past, and I’ve noticed she’s been drinking again. When she first moved in, I felt bad because she didn’t have food or money but now that she somehow has money for alcohol, I’m honestly starting to regret being so generous.
We told her she could help herself to food, but I’m starting to wish we hadn’t said that because last night I went to make shrimp pasta and realized she’d eaten all the shrimp. It sounds small, but it was such a letdown after a long day. The other night, we’d been gone all day and I just wanted to come home, relax, and watch our show but she was planted right in the middle of the couch watching her own show.
It’s like we don’t even have our own space anymore. I’ve told my husband that now that she’s working again, he should ask her what kind of timeline she has for moving out. But his response is always, “I don’t know how to say that without sounding rude, like we don’t want her here.” I care about her, I really do, but I’m starting to go crazy. I just want my home back. My space back. My peace back.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Historical_Term2454 said:
NTA, but you have a husband problem not a MIL problem. "Mom, you need to contribute to the groceries and utilities." "Mom, let OP and the baby have the couch." "Mom, you need to do your dishes and clean up any spills." Etc.
Leigeofgoblins said:
You have a newborn baby to care for and have been recovering from childbirth (which takes a minimum six weeks, and that's just the initial period). If nothing else, do this for your kid. She is not your kid and maybe you need to remind your husband of that. As for it sounding like she's not wanted there, that's EXACTLY the case, which you are absolutely within your rights to feel. NTA.
ReadMeDrMemory said:
NTA. "I don’t know how to say that without sounding rude, like we don’t want her here.” But you don't want her there. If he has any sympathy for you whatsoever, neither does he.
And there's nothing rude about needing your life back. He should not "ask her what kind of timeline she has for moving out." He should tell her when she's going. If he's such a dutiful son, he could help her find a place and help her get moved in.
Friendly_Succotash11 said:
NTA. You're the new mom, and you deserve to have your house back. You and your hubby need to get on the same page. He needs to stop worrying about being "rude" and just tell his mom, gently but firmly, that the temporary stay is ending now that she has her new job.
Give her a definite move-out date, like three or four weeks away. You gave her a place to stay, and now it's time to reclaim your space and your peace.
Jerseygirl2468 said:
NTA. "Mom now that you're working again, we need to discuss your timeframe to move out. Let's go look at apartments this weekend."
owls_and_cardinals said:
Absolutely NTA. The only thing you did wrong was making assumptions without setting proper parameters on this offer. Your husband's response is ABSURD. OF COURSE you need your space back. Of course this should have an end date. Of course she should be contributing to your household.
These are like the most basic bare bones you could expect. Hold firm, insist your husband speak up. Brainstorm ways he can approach it if he's worried about offending her but honestly that should be at the bottom of his list of concerns.
Bowman74 said:
NTA. Relatives moving in and staying is a common problem. For myself, my home is my retreat from people. It is that way for a lot of people, not just for us. We need our time alone in our homes to keep our health and positive outlook on life.
Talk to your husband and see if he is on the same page. If not, well that's going to take a different discussion. Hopefully he is and with that you two can present a united front and tell your MIL when both of you expect her to be on her feet and leave, set ground rules and expectations for while she is here, etc.
It can be difficult to get people out of your house once you let them in. The earlier you two set expectations, the easier it will be to extricate yourself from the situation. At least setting some ground rules on cleaning and food use *may* improve the situation. It will at least reveal how large of a problem you have.
AvocadoJazzlike3670 said:
NTA. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to be rude as she has no problem being rude herself. Sit your husband back down and tell him he needs to be the man of your family and tell his mom to commit to a timeline of moving. Find rentals for her. He needs to be the man of his house and take care of his family. You ask her if she found a place. Ask her her timeline.