'AITA for wanting to keep my engagement ring from my late fiancé?'

"AITA for wanting to keep my engagement ring from my late fiancé?"

I (36F) lost my fiancé nearly eleven years ago in car crash. We were both in the car but I got out with only minor injuries while he passed away instantly. This messed me up quite a bit and I was in and out of therapy and support groups for years over this.

The support group is where I met my current partner (45M), he is a widower who lost his wife to cancer and we understood each other's pain a lot and bonded over it. Three years ago we started dating and we moved in with each other last month. I've remained close with the family of my late fiancé since I lost him and they were a great support to me in the first few years.

However, his mother (61F) asked me last week for the ring he gave me back since I'm now seriously involved with another man. She said she wanted the ring to keep in the family and it'd mean a lot to have it. This upset me, the ring he gave me wasn't a family ring and it's garnet and emerald ring he picked out because those are our birthstones and I didn't want a traditional diamond.

We picked the ring out together and he saved for months to get me it. It holds a lot of beautiful memories for me even if it's bittersweet, I'm now at a point where I can enjoy the good memories without too much pain.Being in a relationship now doesn't mean I have this ring gathering dust in a drawer somewhere. I wear it on my right hand now, the same way my partner wears his wedding ring.

We both feel it's ok to honour our lost loves this way and neither of us have any jealousy or negative feelings over this. Hell we have a picture of my fiancé and his wife on the wall of our living room. I told her I could understand if it had been a family ring he'd inherited though that would still have made me feel a little weird to have her asking for it back but it isn't a family ring.

It's my ring that we picked out together and I plan to wear it for the rest of my life. She insisted it should be back in the family however and that she wanted it as it was the last major purchase he made before he passed. I ended up hanging up on her as I was so upset and i've been avoiding her calls since.

My partner is angry on my behalf that she even asked this and told me she was being ridiculous and that I should wear the ring as long as I want to, I can't help but feel like i'm being punished for finding someone to make me happy. That I was supposed to mourn him forever in her eyes.

I've spoken to my parents about this too to get their insight on it and my Mum feels that maybe I should give the ring back as his Mother is clearly just hurting and wants to hold onto something of her son. My Dad meanwhile says he can see both sides of this and it's my choice. I don't know, I might be a bit too emotional over this. Am I being the asshole or unreasonable here?

Edit: A couple of people seem confused, my current partner is not my new fiancé or my husband. I call him my partner because he feels at his age being called a "Boyfriend" is a bit too humorous as if he's young, if we are being technical however he is a boyfriend. We have only just moved in together. I am sorry if my wording caused any confusion.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

BigToeB wrote:

You keep saying give the ring back. Stop using that language. There is no one to give it back too, it belongs to you and only you. That she would even ask is strange but that is not your problem. The ring is yours. The answer is no. If she chooses to hold this against you, just let her.

This has nothing to do with you. I would tell her there is no way on earth I would ever part with the ring the love of your life purchased just for you. Sometimes you have to let people feel the way they feel and sometimes their feelings ruin a relationship. You are NTA.

OP responded:

I admit I wonder if "back in the family" means in her eyes, as he bought it, it should be with family. Which now I'm with someone else, I'm not.

kurokomainu wrote:

NTA. You wouldn't be giving the ring "back" as it was never his family's. The ring is entirely a symbol of his and your relationship. To call it "his last major purchase" is a strange way to justify wanting it, frankly.

That may be just awkward wording on her part, but the fact is that to her that really is all it is to her -- something he spent a lot of money on that was meaningful to him -- but it isn't meaningful to her in the same way it is meaningful to you, which is why she can't frame it as anything better than "his last major purchase." The way it is symbolic to you is the very purpose of the ring's existence.

OP responded:

I think giving it back is just the way others have talked about it bleeding into how I myself am viewing it...but you're right it was never his families it was always ours.

Realistic_Bit6965 wrote:

NTA. It doesn't need to go "back to the family" when it was never in the family. It was picked out by you together. It's not even something that you even have stored away, it's something you actively wear and remember him by. (Would still be NTA if this was the case).

The fact that she waited until now says this has everything to do with her feelings of you being in this relationship, not even about the ring itself. If you still want this relationship just let her know the answer is no and any conversation that brings it up again will get ended immediately.

Jaeysa wrote:

NTA, at all, whatsoever. Keep the ring and remember the good times and the love it was chosen with.

OP responded:

Thank you. At first, after I lost him I did struggle with wearing it as it was so painful but now I don't. I just really didn't know if I was being unreasonable as i'm getting such mixed responses from people in my life.

Fit_Coat8634 wrote:

NTA. This situation is deeply layered, and more than one person can be grieving in different ways at the same time. Your former fiancé’s mother is clearly still in pain, and it’s understandable that she wants to hold onto something that connects her to her son. That deserves empathy.

At the same time, the ring represents your relationship, your loss, and your healing. It wasn’t a family heirloom or something passed down through his family. It was a personal symbol chosen by two people who intended to build a life together, and that meaning doesn’t disappear because you’ve continued living your life.

Moving forward doesn’t erase the past. Honoring your late fiancé while also allowing yourself happiness isn’t a betrayal. The fact that your current partner understands this shows emotional maturity and respect for the complexity of grief, not unresolved attachment.

Grief can blur boundaries. While her request likely comes from pain rather than malice, insisting after you said no crosses a line. You are not responsible for managing someone else’s grief by sacrificing your own. If you do choose to speak with her again, it may help to gently acknowledge that this loss isn’t hers alone.

You could say something like: “I want you to know that I’m grieving him too, and in a different way than you, but just as deeply. That ring isn’t just jewelry to me. It holds the love we shared, the life we were planning, the future we lost, our home, our marriage, the children we talked about, everything we were building together.

Keeping it isn’t about moving on from him or replacing him. It’s about honoring the life and love that never got the chance to fully exist.” That approach validates her pain while clearly affirming yours, without giving up your boundary. You’re not being unreasonable. You’re holding space for love, loss, and growth at the same time, and that takes real emotional intelligence.