'AITA for wanting to leave my wife after she gave birth to my child?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for wanting to leave my wife after she gave birth to my child?"

My (34M) wife (32F) and I have been married for 7 years. After a miscarriage she admitted to me that she had multiple affairs over the last 4 years of our marriage. Her last affair ended a year ago. She begged for us to go to therapy to work on our marriage but I refused to go.

During this time I had moved out of the house. Occasionally I would go back to take care of the house and animals and she would constantly try to manipulate me into coming back. I had every intention of getting a divorce but the process is slow. I hated the betrayal I felt but I also missed my wife during the separation.

One thing led to another and we had sex and she got pregnant again. Shortly after the news came I had to leave for work about 12 hours away from her. She would call to give me updates about the pregnancy and talk about our marriage. We were separated for majority of her pregnancy. I told her that I still wanted a divorce but I would consider reconciling after the baby was born.

After several months away from her I came to the realization that I could not trust her nor could I forgive her for her infidelity. I feel like the last 7 years of my life has been a lie. While I was away from her I met someone and a relationship blossomed between us. I truly feel like I love this woman.

She has been made aware that I am still married and that I have a baby on the way. My wife is not aware of my new girlfriend. Fast forward to a month ago, I had to go home for the birth of our baby boy. My wife has been pressuring me to reconcile but I told her that I plan to divorce her again.

After the birth of our baby boy she has been blaming me for ruining our family because I don't want to stay with her and try to fix our marriage. I want to have a co parenting relationship with my wife but she is acting very erratic while I am here for our son. AITA for wanting to leave my wife?

Any advice on how to deal with this is appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the mixed reviews. It was expected. I will be talking with a lawyer and will update once I have a chance to talk to one. Appreciate the sound advice as well.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

bepdhc wrote:

INFO: Are you sure the baby is yours?

OP responded:

Baby is mine.

Exact_Camera_3685 wrote:

Get a paternity test to ensure See a lawyer Take your time with someone who is involved with a married man expecting a baby. And is okay with it.

jittarao wrote:

ESH.

Your wife sucks for cheating on you repeatedly over four years. That’s a serious betrayal, and it's understandable that you’d feel like the entire marriage was a lie.

But you’re not innocent in this either. You were emotionally and physically indecisive for months, which gave her mixed signals. You told her you wanted a divorce but kept showing up, had unprotected s#$ (resulting in a baby), and continued entertaining her hopes of reconciliation even while emotionally checking out. You even said you’d “consider reconciling after the baby was born.”

That’s a huge breadcrumb to someone already trying to save a relationship. Then, instead of clarifying things, you started a new relationship while still married, didn’t tell your wife about it, and are still hiding it from her now that the baby is born. That’s not just messy, it’s dishonest.

You're fully within your rights to leave the marriage. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for many. But your execution has been cowardly and passive. You didn’t set clear boundaries, didn’t communicate with honesty, and avoided taking firm action when it mattered most, and now you're reaping the chaos that comes from that.

My advice: Divorce her now. No more delays, no more maybes. Tell her about your new relationship, not to rub it in, but because she deserves clarity. She's parenting with you and should understand the new dynamic. Lawyer up and establish formal custody and support agreements. Don’t leave this up to emotional negotiations.

Stop playing emotional games with her and yourself. You’re not the victim anymore; you’re a participant in this mess. Get therapy, not for reconciliation, but for you, to process the betrayal, learn better communication boundaries, and avoid repeating this kind of mess in the future. You’re NTA for wanting to leave but you’re the asshole for how you handled it.

Robinnoodle wrote:

ESH, but your wife much more so. Having unprotected s#$ if you knew you wanted to leave was irresponsible And just because your wife is a cheating flaming ah doesn't mean you should have been a much smaller ah by indicating you might reconcile in the future, giving her false hope. Two wrongs don't make a right.

And my guess is, the main reason you became steadfast in your resolve is because you met.someone. Otherwise you would probably still be at least somewhat considering the possibility of reconciliation. Especially with all the pressure your wife is putting on you to do it Not the ah for wanting to leave, but the way you went about it was not great.

Three weeks later, OP shared an update.

Thank you all to those who did not think I was the A hole here. It's been a tough 2 years. Here's how it went down:

I took a paternity test, and my son is confirmed to be mine.

I have filed for divorce but the state in which I lived is very conservative and has a waiting period before it can be finalized. The divorce was filed as uncontested and I will be paying child support while also staying in his life. I am selling our house and she is moving to a state close by where my son will only be a couple of hours away.

This option also makes her closer to family. Custody arrangements will be updated once she has moved. This has been hard emotionally because she has blamed me for ruining our chance as a family and our sons future. It feels manipulative since I no longer want to be with her and I've taken care of her our entire marriage.

My wife still does not know about my girlfriend at the request of my girlfriend. As much as I want to integrate my girlfriend this will take time to do and I also felt like my wife doesn't have to know know about her until everything has settled and the divorce finalized.

It's been difficult for me being away from my son but I do get to see him every day. I was there for his birth and 3 weeks afterwards. I will be taking leave again to spend more time with my son, take care of the house, the divorce, and to help get her and my son moved.

I am glad this marriage is ending and while it's tough right now with my son, the mutual goal is to have a co-parenting relationship. Despite the things my wife has said and her wanting to continue the marriage, I feel my son will be better off knowing what an actual loving relationship is. My girlfriend has been very supportive of me and I'm ready to move on in my life with her.

Trying to get any help or legal advice in the state we got married has been a nightmare and has been overall negative to the choice I have already made. The marriage is dead, but I will be in my sons life. I do not agree with the empty values there. Any advice on how to ensure a healthy co parenting relationship without a lawyer is needed. Thank you all again.

The internet did not hold back too much.

tsunamisurfer35 wrote:

NTA. But you really should not have slept with your wife that last time without protection. This made everything much more complicated by giving her leverage.

Spirited-Ad6144 wrote:

Why would you have a child knowing she was an AH and that you weren’t sure you were fitting back together…poor child.

ImagineSnapDragons wrote:

And now he wants to “integrate” his new girlfriend. Which I can only guess means bring her in as a third parent. These people had no business making a child.

winterbabes35 wrote:

Ahhh, so you wasn't ready to move on until you found someone else, got it. Then led her on by sleeping with her, then making her a single mother!

Guess all you had to do was leave n get a divorce, but you needed to find someone else to move on with 1st!

Almost three weeks later, OP shared another update.

My wife was served with divorce papers and hired a lawyer despite us agreeing on the 50/50 division of marital assets, child support, and limited alimony. She told me that because I was leaving her she wanted to make sure things were done fairly.

She advised me to not get my own lawyer since we already agreed on stuff but I got one to represent me anyway. I have recently seen my son again despite her efforts to keep me away from him. She has told me that she doesn't want to see me. After expressing how unfair that is she agreed to coordinate with me to see him.

I told her that I have been seeing someone and she said that she suspected it during our separation but that it didn't matter. She doesn't care that I love my new partner. She believes we can still recover the marriage even though I have moved on. I do not understand how she thinks this after her cheating throughout our marriage and me finding someone new.

I told her I am upset that she can't take accountability for the breakdown of the marriage, hurting me, and our son. I explained to her why it wouldn't be a good idea to stay together if she truly thinks I cheated on her. She is only concerned with herself and the life I provided to her instead of caring about our son.

She destroyed the last 7 years of my life with her and distorted how I saw myself. I tried to get over her infidelity the first time thinking it was a mistake and something we could work through. I'm not willing to give her a third or fourth chance. I want resolve but everytime the issue comes up she says something that feels manipulative. I will post a final update when we get there.

The comments kept coming.

peacelovingsister

The only thing you and your soon to be ex-wife should be discussing is the care of your son. By engaging her, you are setting yourself up to be manipulated and trapped, just as you were trapped by the pregnancy. Sorry to have to say this, but you were really stupid to get yourself into that position. Ever heard of condoms? You knew this woman had been with other men, yet you had unprotected sex with her. That was stupid, so you are not without blame for those 7 years and in fact, all the rest of your child's life. The fact that you would even ask whether you're the AH for wanting to leave reveals your very real problem with logic and common sense.

casually_yash2088 wrote:

I could honestly understand how she could manipulate you into discussing other things with you, but I am still not trusting you fully on this, as you were stupid enough to make a baby with her AFTER knowing that she cheated.

Well, now that lawyers are involved, I think you should ask your lawyer to communicate with her for you, with the pretext that it will be easier in your divorce, so that she won't have a problem with this.

I would suggest you to not help her move as it can very well be used against you in court if she plans to make a false case against you. And it would set up a wrong example for the future where she will always expect you to help with her move.

MyDirtyAlt79 wrote:

She cheats repeatedly, gets a lawyer, and then says you shouldn't get one. That's hilarious.

Good luck man.

solakOhtobide wrote:

OP, get your own lawyer!

primadiamonds wrote:

YTA for not filing divorce before all of this culminated. As a divorcée, it really isn’t that hard to file if you have intentions of moving on.

Far_Prior1058 wrote:

NTA - foolish maybe but NTA. Please listen to your lawyer and have everything in writing . This is going to define how and when you can interact with your son. Communicate with your soon to be ex via text only.