'AITA for wanting to move out from my GF’s place? She wants me to stay til we get married.'

"AITA for wanting to move out from my girlfriend’s place even though she wants me to stay until we get married?"

A few years ago, I was neck-deep in debt. I had to leave my condo and live with a workmate as a roommate. My plan was: stay temporarily, get debt-free, then move out and live alone again. This July, I finally became debt-free. My girlfriend suggested that instead of moving out on my own, I should move in with her for 6 months to a year.

The idea was that I wouldn’t pay rent, just utilities and food, so I could really recover financially. At first I hesitated, because I didn’t want her family to think badly of us. She lives one floor above her mother and two siblings. But she said it was fine, so I agreed. It felt like a good deal.

Fast forward 3 months, and now it feels like she thinks I’m staying permanently. Permanently like, "until we get married and afford a house" permanent. We never really discussed long-term, just the temporary arrangement.

Now I’m having second thoughts. Living one floor above her family is stressful. I try hard to avoid bad impressions. And because of proximity, I end up helping with their financial burdens too. I didn’t expect to be supporting more people than myself.

On top of that, I’m still spending more money than when I lived with my workmate. So I’m not even saving the way I expected. Next year, my job requires me to go to the office 3 times a week. I live an hour away and I don’t have a car. The commute is exhausting, and the idea of renting a place closer to work is becoming more realistic.

I love my girlfriend, but I don’t want her to think I’m staying here forever without us having a proper discussion. When I mentioned the idea of moving out, she said I’m her only ally and she gets her strength from me, and that it would be harder for her if I leave. Now I feel guilty even thinking about moving out. So. Would I be TA if I moved out next year, even if she wants me to stay until we’re married?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Black_whisper wrote:

INFO why don't you move out together? You moving out alone will probably look like you not being committed to the relationship and not wanting to love with your GF.

OP responded:

A valid question. That was the original plan few years back but right now, her mother is really sick and she can't leave her with alone with her siblings. She's like me, a breadwinner.

Logical-shame5884 wrote:

NTA for wanting to move for a better commute for yourself but the first Red flag that caught my attention is that you're helping out her family with their financial burdens. That's not your responsibility OP. So the first thing I'd do personally is set boundaries!

Is your gf working to support the relationship as well ? Because it's not fair that you're busting your butt working. If you guys are planning a long-term relationship she needs to contribute as well and do her keep. Is your future in laws helping you out in any way?

gotacrazyfam wrote:

NTA first off; congrats on getting debt free!!! Secondly, you aren’t at fault for wanting to live on your own, even if it didn’t benefit you. It’s your life. It sounds like your girlfriend is really benefiting from you living there and paying for so much, for her and also for her family, and doesn’t want it to end. It’s great…for them.

It’s not great for you and it’s really crappy of her to try to manipulate you into staying. If you’re truly her only ally then it sounds like she might be codependent…if this is true then you moving out and giving her the space to be independent might help her a lot.

smileyxkyley wrote:

NTA. If you’re serious about things with your girlfriend, you should consider at least offering for her to move with you closer to your work. I’m not sure what her work situation is, but the offer is what’s important.

Since it seems like proximity to her family is the issue, you should probably consider whether she’s willing to move away from her family. If she isn’t, you might need to think about whether you guys are compatible long term.

KaliTheBlaze wrote:

NAH, though she’s getting close if she understands how exhausting your commute is. What if your girlfriend also moved out? It sounds like neither of you are happy living so closely with the rest of her family. Obviously this only works if you want to continue living with her rather than having your own place, and there’s somewhere you can live that doesn’t give either of you a bad commute.

Teenysod wrote:

NTA for not wanting to support her family financially when you are still trying to get back on your own feet, so same goes for moving out, especially given job changes coming up. I think you need to think this one through though: what do you REALLY think will be different after you get married? You might have your own house, the family will still be in your girlfriend's life though. Just going to leave that one there.

ThisWillAgeWell wrote:

As I was reading your post, I was thinking, "Constant friction with her family: good reason to move out...being expected to financially support in-laws who aren't even your in-laws yet: good reason to move out...long commute: good reason to move out..." And then I got to this bit:

When I mentioned the idea of moving out, she said I’m her only ally and she gets her strength from me, and that it would be harder for her if I leave.

EXCELLENT reason to move out! She is trying the emotional blackmail tactic on you, OP.

Now I feel guilty even thinking about moving out.

Oh, god. The emotional blackmail is working. You are NTA, but you will be TA if you stay. Make plans to move out, now.