'AITA for wanting my fiancé to confront his ex about what she told their daughter about me?'
"AITA for wanting my fiancé to confront his ex about what she's telling their daughter about me?"
I've been with Derek (31M) for almost 3 years now, engaged for about 6 months. I'm 29F. He has a daughter Isla (6F) from his previous marriage to Monica (30F). They divorced before I came into the picture, I wasn't the reason they split, just want to make that clear.
I love Isla. She's such a sweet kid and we've built a really good relationship. I'm a landscape architect so I work from home a lot and I've been able to spend quality time with her during Derek's custody weeks. She calls me by my first name which I'm totally fine with. I never pushed for anything else.
Here's the problem. Monica has been saying things. It started maybe 6 months ago. Isla came home from her mum's and told me "mummy says I don't have to listen to you because you're not my real family." I was hurt but I let it go. Kids say things. Then it was "mummy says you're just daddy's girlfriend and girlfriends don't stay forever."
Then last month. "Mummy says daddy is going to come back to her one day and we'll be a real family again."
That one broke me. Because Isla looked at me when she said it with this confused look like she didn't know what to believe.
I told Derek we need to address this. He needs to talk to Monica about what she's saying because it's confusing Isla and it's hurtful to me and frankly it's delusional - they've been divorced for 4 years and he's engaged to someone else.
His response? "I can't control what Monica says in her own home."
I said no but you can tell her it's inappropriate and that it's affecting your daughter.
He said he "doesn't want to start drama" and that Isla will "figure out the truth when she's older."
SHE'S SIX. She shouldn't have to figure out anything. She shouldn't be caught in the middle of her mum's fantasy that her parents are getting back together.
I told Derek if he won't address this I don't know how I'm supposed to marry into this situation. He said I was "overreacting" and that Monica is "just having a hard time" and I should "be the bigger person." Be the bigger person while his ex tells their child I don't matter and won't be around long?
I don't know what to do. I love him. I love Isla. But I can't spend the rest of my life being undermined and having Derek shrug it off.
Am I expecting too much?
This is what people had to say to OP:
Fubar_As_Usual said:
Poor little man would rather avoid all the messy emotions rather than help and protect his child's emotional well-being. Who gaf if his ex is having a tough time? That is not his problem, but his daughter is definitely his responsibility and he owes it to you to prevent his ex from poisoning your and Isla's relationship.
Is this the kind of man you want to spend your life with?
Still-Wafer-3185 said:
So this started right after you became engaged. Got it.
This is parental alienation. Monica figured you were just a temporary thing that would blow over. Now that you are marrying her childs father, you are going to be a permanent figure and will drive Monica further away from Derek.
She is using her daughter, your future stepdaughter, as a weapon to try to drive a wedge, presumably to start this argument. Derek obviously wont marry you if he thinks it will make his daughter unhappy, right?
Derek needs to correct this now because in the end, Isla WILL suffer for it. Either she resents you or she resents her mother. Do not go forward with the wedding until he does.
Decent_Front4647 said:
NTA but it sounds like she’s very high conflict and it probably would backfire. What your bf can say, though, is very gentle correct his daughter without alluding to her mother. The daughter is also looking for reassurance that you are not temporary.
And ObligationNo2288 said:
Love isn’t everything. There has to be respect and accountability. He has none for you. Are you sure this is what you want? He will never stick up for you. Ever.