'AITA for not wanting my husband to be in the room when I give birth?' 'He says I'm trying to punish him.'
"AITA for not wanting my husband to be in the room when I give birth?"
I (25f) and my husband (34M) have been together for 5 years and married for 3. We have a 13 month old child together and I'm currently 6 months pregnant with our second child. For the most part, our relationship is really great. He's typically loving, kind, respectful, and caring but when I gave birth to our first child I saw a different side of him. He was just mean and unsupportive.
Before we even went to the hospital, he kept telling me that he felt like I was overreacting to the contractions. I wasn't loud or screaming or anything but they did bring tears to my eyes.
Once we were at the hospital, he sat in a corner of the room away from me making comments like that until the doctor said it was time for me to push. At that point, he came closer to me and let me hold his hand and stroked my head.
From that moment on he was back to being his amazing self. When we talked about it after, he said he was just stressed and that he didn't mean to make me feel that way.
The problem is now that I'm pregnant again I don't want him in the delivery room. I just want him to come in after. I don't think I can handle that pain along side feeling so neglected again. He says I'm just trying to punish him for last time. So... AITA?
Later, OP edited the post to include:
I have two things to say for the people asking if I've talked to him about it. Yes. I have talked to him about it several times since the first birth. Up until about a month ago he seemed to understand my choice and said he be there as soon as our baby was born. His opinion changed to he needs to be in the room about a month ago.
My current plan is to tell him that he can be in the room, but if he acts like he did last time he will be told to leave. I think that's fair to both of us. My aunt who is also a Doula will be in the room the whole time.
People keep on asking why I stayed the first time. For me, one day of ahole behavior when it was a new situation for both of us and he didn't know how to respond to it, isn't worth ending an otherwise great marriage.
I know his actions were wrong but I didn't and still don't want to throw away a great marriage for one day. If this next labor and delivery goes this way, I will likely be seeking divorce.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
FrannyFray said:
NTA. But now that you have told him how you feel, set boundaries. Since your aunt will be in the room, she can advocate for you and tell him to leave if he acts like an a#s.
This might be an opportunity to create a better memory for the both of you. Just be clear that you want nothing but positivity during the birth. Now that he was gone through it already, he might feel less anxious.
Icy-Doctor23 said:
NTA but it’s time to have a conversation with him about your feelings and your desire for the birth plan. Do you have a plan for someone else to be with you and be supportive if he isnt there during labor and delivery?
Have you considered having him take you to the hospital, have your birth coach be with you during labor and then bring him to your bedside at delivery? Order a contraction belt and let him try it out.
bubs623 said:
NTA. Talk to your labor nurses. If you can’t seem to get them alone, mouth that you need to talk to them without husband or pre-write a note etc. Tell them what’s going on and if you get to the point where you want him to leave, tell the nurses and they will remove him from the room.
YOU are the patient and the nurses don’t give a hot damn about anyone else or their feelings. Let them ‘be the bad guys’. If he gets mad or pouts, tell him to grow up. Seriously- you need support, love and concern.
It’s not about him at all. Maybe that’s his kid, but he contribution is way over and didn’t cause any pain. This is your body and you make the decisions. You deserve to be stress free and supported. Also, please consider pain relief options and don’t be a "hero." Good luck.
epc-_-1039 said:
NTA. My wife and I have 4 children. The comfort of absolutely ONE person matters during birth - the delivering mother. Thankfully we are (mostly) past the culture of women "giving babies" to their husbands. If there is anyone or anything in that room working against her comfort, they should be removed. If for some reason my wife had asked me to not be in the room during a birth I wouldn't be.
Yes, it's a beautiful moment. Yes, it would be sad. But the last thing I need to be doing is being the source of any discomfort for her. I agree with your current plan. It's entirely possible that this man being around a birth for the first time was too stressed and was VERY poorly expressing that.
But let your doula (and midwife / nurse / whoever) know ahead of time that you may ask for him to be removed. You will obviously be in no state to force him out yourself - they need to be prepared for such.
throwRA_Bottle_343 said:
NTA. He’s stressed. Meanwhile you’re about to push a whole baby out. I can’t even deal with that. No way would I want anybody who said things like that to be there. How the hell would you say that to someone you love about something that he will never experience. I’m angry for you!
Karma_1969 said:
Pfff. NTA. This one is easy: "I'm not punishing you. You had one job last time, and you failed at it. You won't fail at it this time." End of discussion, and let him be mad. Through all of this, he hasn't cared about you at all, he's cared about himself.
He was stressed so he acted a certain way to make himself feel better, not you. And now he's feeling left out, and again it's not about you and what you want, but what he wants. So don't feel bad about simply bringing down the hammer.