'AITA for wanting my husband to take care of the kids on his day off?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting my husband to take care of the kids on his day off even though we already pay the babysitter anyway?"

So this just occurred this morning. My husband has the day off work, I didn't realize this until I was about to leave and he was still sleeping so I woke him up to ask age he said he was staying home.

I told him that he still needed to get up because our 4 mo old son was awake so he needed to care for him (baby was already ready for the day because I get him all ready either way every single day- changed, fed, new diaper, lotioned up due to his bad eczema issue).

But he told me to just take him to his babysitter (we have a live-in nanny who we pay with a car to use, insurance on the car, a phone, of course the room to stay in, and a bit of cash as well). I told him that if he didn't have work that he could get up and care for the baby, he refused and said he was going back to sleep and that he'll get up when the other kids get up (4 year old son and 3 year old daughter).

I told him that was ridiculous and that he's still the baby's father so he should get up and care for him- he responded by saying that he was just going to give the baby right to the babysitter as soon as I leave anyway and if we're paying the babysitter anyway that she should just do her job (we pay her the same every week no matter what-

Even when I was on maternity leave and doing most/all the childcare but I figured that we were her only source of income so she needs a steady income coming in). I ended up just leaving so I wasn't late to work anyway but anyway I just want to see your views on the situation.

So AITA for wanting my husband to take care of all the children if he's not going to work and having the babysitter care for them since we are paying her either way?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Ingwall-Koldun said:

YTA. You didn't know your husband had a day off, so presumably you were planning to have the nanny take care of the baby. You wanted to change the plans because you decided your husband had too much idle time? That's not very nice.

howardcoombs said:

YTA - you have a helper to take care of the little ones. He is off work and wants to chill & relax. But you want him to get up and do work instead, all the while you've paid someone else to take care of things.

I'm having a very difficult time seeing your point of view and how this would make any sense at all. Leave the man in peace. He'll get up when he feels like it and take care of the kids or play with the kids when he wants.

OP responded:

I guess it’s mostly just the point of it for me. Like if I ever have a day off I love spending the time with my children and take it as my responsibility to do so. He doesn’t spend much time with the kids as it is as he works the same hours I do but instead of coming home and caring for them like I do, he likes to go out with buddies or go out riding or go shoot guns- stuff like that.

OrindaSarnia said:

YTA for not paying your nanny a living wage, and not having clearly set work hours for her. She isn't just on call whenever because she lives in your house. She should have a work schedule that is established ahead of time. If this morning was during her established work hours than you should have taken the baby to her.

Your husband is also the AH for not paying the nanny a living wage and having an established schedule... he's not the AH for wanting an extra hour of sleep on a dat he doesn't work. You're both the AH to each other that you apparently didn't know he had the day off until the morning... try talking to your partner! This whole family dynamic is a disaster.

No_Earth_9391 said:

YTA. Your husband has a day off, you’ve already paid the nanny, let him have the day off. If the roles were reversed, and you had the day off, I’m sure you would want to take it too

OP responded:

I see your point. No I wouldn’t though, any free time I get I love spending it with my children- but like others have said I can see that I shouldn’t expect my husband to feel the same.

She later shared this update:

I can see a lot of the viewpoints people are saying. Yes I should respect that my husband is his own person and shouldn't have to want to take responsibility for his children if we already pay someone else- if it were my day I had off work I would take on the responsibility because I genuinely want to.

He's not the most active father but we're working on it and we do love each other a lot, he has at needs to work on his communication skills A LOT. He didn't tell me he had the day off, and I normally have to wake him up anyway in the mornings so I didn't know until I asked a few times.

My babysitter gets paid about the same as it would cost for the children to be in daycare altogether plus she has other perks like cooked meals everyday, food and drinks in the house are all paid for so she doesn't need to pay for anything like that.

Of course she also gets the internet, she also has three cats she brought with her that I pay the food and litter for on top of medications (flea and tick meds) and any vet visits they might need.

I clean the litter boxes daily as I also have one cat. She doesn't clean- that's all me. And as for my husband, I know it's my fault for putting up with it- I've asked many times that he may try therapy as he doesn't communicate and such. He doesn't do much childcare all unfortunately, he will play with the older kids sometimes and will sometimes put them to bed if I ask.

He doesn't do any baby care as he says "babies just don't like me" he can't handle them getting upset easily. So I do all the baby care day/night when I'm home which I have no issue with- I love my babies and love doing everything they need. I'm partially breastfeeding too a little so it's a little easier for me to calm him down

(he wants me to quit breastfeeding altogether so I can drink again and do my hormones aren't crazy and I'll be more interested in physical intimacy but that's a whole different issue)