So I'm (24F) having a hard time seeing where I went wrong, but me and my husband to be (26M) both struggle with NPD so I figured an outside opinion might be helpful, since neither of us tends to understand when we're wrong right away.
I'm getting married (yay!) in December to the absolute love of my life, and we both want it to be the most spectacular wedding the world has ever seen because we both really love attention. I never used to feel comfortable admitting that, but ever since I've been with him I've been able to really accept that, and it's made my life so much more *fun.*
We decided that instead of having me in a white dress like all the other white dresses, and him in the same tuxedo as every man in attendance, it would look really spectacular if we both dressed head to toe in gold. What we want is for all our guests to wear either black, white, or grey, and for us to be the only ones wearing color.
I figured that not only would I look like a princess, but I'd also be dancing with a prince instead of just some guy, and he's so into the idea that he remembers it as being his. We just love that idea of a sea of monochrome, and then us in the middle of it all.
The only thing is, my sister (26F) has been absolutely furious at us ever since the clothing requirements came out. First, she said this was "proof that I never changed" and I was being controlling again. Basically, that asking guests to wear a specific color was insane.
Then she started making digs about my hair and how I was "just doing this to show off" and asked if I planned to have her dye her hair too (I did not, we're both blonde but mine is a bit more yellow-blonde, and my husband is dying his hair for the wedding).
I admitted to that, but also pointed out that it's my wedding and it's normal. Then she accused me of trying to upstage everyone else's wedding dress, basically implying that I was trying to get everyone to show up in wedding dresses so I could compete with them and make myself look even better by comparison.
This was not ever the plan. When I mentioned what she said to my husband to be, his eyes kind of lit up in this really cute way and he said we should encourage people to actually wear their own wedding clothes, but we decided it would probably be actually terrible of us.
We decided to let our families wear copper if they wanted, so they would stand out as a nice accent to gold, and then my sister would also get to stand out. I was totally willing to pay, and said as much.
That was when she called me a spoiled child, and said she wasn't like me and wasn't in this for herself, and wanted all the guests to be able to wear "normal wedding clothes" and that nobody in their right mind would be comfortable wearing white to a wedding. AITA?
Stoat__King said:
NTA. You are having a hard time seeing where you have gone wrong because you havent gone wrong. And tbh your dress code is hardly a great burden. Men almost always have a black suit or grey suit somewhere - and whilst im no expert I would imagine most women already have some clothes of one of those colors.
Stoat__King said:
It's not like you are demanding the men come in white tie with top hat and the women all come in wedding dresses. There is one thing she is right about - it is generally considered very bad form for women to wear white to a wedding. But not if you have asked them to lol.
Sprinkle-Muffin said:
NTA. Plenty of weddings have dress codes, nothing new. If she doesn’t want to follow the dress code, she doesn’t have to go.
FATKAT- said:
NTA. Nothing your sister said seems reasonable. I don’t know what her (real) problem is. It’s not controlling it’s like a theme party. You pay - you choose the theme. It’s not that big of a deal. Is she jealous?
Isomalt-tits said:
NTA. Your sister seems to be responding to some past traumas with her comments here. The vast majority of wedding have a dress code. Many, many weddings have a specific color-themed dress code. And your guests don’t have to wear white—they can wear grey or black as well. Who doesn’t have a black dress they can wear??
It’s your wedding. It’s all about the two of you. I appreciate the instinct to not have people show up in their wedding attire for the purposes of “upstaging” them, but tbh I cannot imagine someone saying, “I need to wear white to this wedding I GUESS I WILL WEAR MY WEDDING DRESS,” so I’m genuinely unsure what your sis is on about.
Army_unistar said:
NTA it's your wedding. Your special day. Not wanting to wear white ( which is common ) is nothing wrong / crime. Usually guests don't wear white to wedding, bc the bride only wears. ( this is also dress code). These days there are lot of dress code weddings. You're not the only one. Wear colorful and be a princess or queen. Be you. Besides both you and your husband, are okay with it.
My husband and I just recently celebrated our first anniversary, and I was thinking about all the dress code drama when I remembered this account and thought it would be fun to give y'all a little one-year update!
After I made my original post, my husband and I decided to contact my sister and parents and have a sit-down discussion about the situation. He offered to take everyone out to eat, and we had this really long discussion about my sister and my relationship.
My sister said she made a promise to herself never to let that happen again, and that if I wanted her in my life, I needed to be a normal person. My husband told her that if she was going to keep humiliating me for something I did as a child, then she wasn't a normal person either. It became a bit chaotic.
My dad took our side, and said my sister's taking things too far. My mom took my sister's side, and said that, since I have NPD, I'm not capable of real change and if they ever give in at all they'll be hurting my sister. It ended with my sister calling my father an enabler and threatening to cut him of. It wasn't a great dinner overall.
What surprised me is my sister's husband. She called me the next day at his recommendation, and we talked for a long time. She told me that she doesn't want to feel like "a side character in the (my name) show," and that was how it was for all our childhoods.
I told her that I feel like I'm not allowed to have meaningful relationships with any of our family, since she restricts what I say and do and wear around them. I pointed out that she controls my clothes for like every family event, and this is my wedding, and she admitted that was a good point. Eventually, she agreed to attend the wedding in a really cute black and white checkerboard dress and leave if it became too much.
The wedding itself was incredible. It was the second-best day of my life so far and my sister said she was genuinely happy for me. I felt like a princess in a fairytale the whole day, and my husband was the handsomest prince in the universe.
The whole thing was under the stars, it was perfect. I could talk about it forever, but character limits. As a wedding gift, my sister told me that she was going to start letting me wear what I liked at family gatherings, and talk about my accomplishments...
AND talk about myself when it's just me and her a little. And she has, and it's been great. The only better gift I got that night was my husband himself. This past year has been the best of my life, and I genuinely feel so much better about life and family these days. I'm a girlmom now, and I'm so glad my daughter gets to know her aunt and cousins too. I'm even allowed to babysit for my sister sometimes!
sootfire said:
Whatever you did as a child, your sister controlling your outfits around family is wildly out of line and arguably abusive. It sounds like you messed up and she took it as an opportunity to exploit you. The fact that she had the power to "let" you pick your own clothes and talk about yourself is ridiculous. I hope you know that. I'm glad your wedding went well, and I wish you many years of happiness!
Ravenmn said:
NTA. Thanks for the update. It sounds like a wonderful wedding. Happy New Year!
SuitableLeather said:
Oh boy. This is relatively complex. It sounds like your behavior affected your family for a while, mainly your sister. It’s uncommon for women to get diagnosed NPD especially so young, but hopefully the early diagnosis and what looks like your openness to treatment will allow you to repair those relationships.
Of course we don’t have your sisters perspective and there could be actions that you may be leaving out, but it sounds like she is triggered just from talking to and being around you, even if you are displaying relatively normal behavior. This is pretty common from people who were abused for long periods of time when they are re-exposed to their abuser.
It sounds like your sister needs a break from you and needs her own therapist to help her figure out how to have a healthy relationship with you, if she even wants one at all. That time away + figuring out her own things with her therapist will do both of you some good. Right now it isn’t fair for her to constantly be exposed to her abuser but it also isn’t fair to you if you are being unfairly punished.
k23_k23 said:
"As a wedding gift, my sister told me that she was going to start letting me wear what I liked at family gatherings"...this is ridiculous. "I told her that I feel like I'm not allowed to have meaningful relationships with any of our family, since she restricts what I say and do and wear around them.
I pointed out that she controls my clothes for like every family event"... you can not blame your sister for that. Your fault that you carter to her that way. Sounds like a codependency - get some therapy instead of blaming just your sister. ESH.
Worldly_Instance_730 said:
Your sister and mom sound like they really don't like you at all. YTA for letting them treat you like this for so long. I don't care what official diagnosis you have, that doesn't give your sister the right to control your life! Your dad is the only one who is sensible here.