'AITA for wanting a small wedding even though our parents gave us a $10k 'wedding gift'?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting a small wedding after being given a 10 grand 'wedding gift'?"

More are we the arseholes as my fiance and I are in agreement, but I'm the one getting sh!t for it. I've been engaged about 2 months. We told our parents about 2 weeks after the proposal, so 6ish weeks ago. During the conversation where we told them we were engaged, they asked what we were thinking of doing for the wedding.

We hadn't had any heavily detailed talks but we had talked about it vaguely before this, and we'd always said a handful of witnesses for a non-religious certificate signing, wearing smart clothes but not full on wedding clothes, and then going to a nice restaurant for a meal with everyone.

Our parents, on hearing our plans, immediately complained, saying that as I'm my parents' only daughter, and my fiance is his mother's only child, they wanted us to have a big white wedding. My fiance and I said that it's just not something we want.

They asked if it was a money thing, and we said no, we have the money, we're just putting the money towards buying a place to live and having kids in future, so even if we did want a day like that, we still wouldn't want to blow a chunk of change on one day. Our mothers seemed to accept that and our fathers said that was a smart move, and it wasn't brought up again.

A week or so after that talk I saw there was an extra 10 grand in our joint savings account. Half of it had come from my mother, and half from his. The reference on both was "wedding gift" so we called them and said we can't accept this much money, and they responded that of course we can because "you only get married once" and said they wanted us to have "the best possible start to married life".

We thanked them profusely and the money hasn't been brought up since, until today. I called my mum and she asked how wedding planning was going. I said we hadn't started as our plan doesn't require much planning.

Mum then asked what that meant, and after a few more questions I realised she thought that when giving us that money, we'd put it towards a larger wedding closer to what she wanted. I got my fiance to call his mum, who said the same thing.

We got all 4 parents on a videocall together and said we appreciated the gifts but we would be sticking with our first plan, so if the money was meant for the wedding itself, then we'd send it back.

This led to all 4 parents (even the dads, who were on our side previously) arguing back, saying they're paying for it so why not just go for it, take our time with planning, and do the big white wedding, and they'd give us more money if needed.

We said that wasn't what we wanted and they got upset, and after hanging up I also had both brothers (one married w big white wedding, one previously engaged, now single) call me asking why I was being difficult as they were footing the bill and feel we should just go with it if our parents are paying. Are we TA for not wanting the big white wedding?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Moggetti said:

NTA. Your parents are acting like this wedding is all about them. What lunatics. I’d return the money though, because it sounds like they are going to keep trying to hang it over your head.

allieastrozombie said:

Wow. Just wow. You are NTAs at all in this situation, but all of your parents definitely are. You were as clear as day with them about the fact that you did NOT WANT a big wedding and that it had NOTHING to do with money! They're actions were an attempt to force you into doing something you dont want to. I would give it all back and leave it at that.

Foootballdave said:

You don't need us to tell you NTA, because how could you be. For god's sake what's wrong with these people.

Here's my advice. Lay down some ultimatums. Tell them if they don't quit their whining about YOUR day, they won't be invited. Period. Tell them if they shut their effing gobs for five minutes you can give the money back (If they want you to) and they will be more than welcome to come to your wedding.

Don't mince your words, make sure to let them know you absolutely will do that if necessary. And back it up if you have to. Spoilt brats the lot of them. In fact tell them not only will they not be invited, you'll be donating the 10k to charity. Try and make it one they would be against. And tell them.

Oh and if any other family members don't agree with what you're doing, ping! They're immediately uninvited as well. Spend the day with people who support you and your decisions. These are your friends, these are your family. Congratulations and good luck.

And wolfcaroling said:

NTA. Obviously they want a party though so why not suggest they throw a “congratulations” bash for you guys where they can invite their friends and parade you around.

Meanwhile you can still have your wedding your way a week or more before.

She later shared this update:

Sent the money back, to much debate. Mum has sent it back already, so I had to send it back again, and it's led to a load more arguing. Also she's found out my wedding dress is blue so she's sent an additional 5 grand for a "real" dress.

Info: a few people pointed out 10k isn't a lot and you're right, absolute minimum for the wedding they described would be 25k or higher, and when I pointed that out to them they said they'd be willing to pitch in more. My married brother had the same arrangement with our parents and his ended up being 40k (20k from mum and dad, 10k from his wife's parents, 10k from their own money)

Edit: to everyone suggesting we do something smaller, like letting them throw a reception - that's still something we really don't want, and it kind of defeats the purpose of having a small wedding.

I get migraines from bright lights and loud noises, so parties of any size tend to be risky at best for me, and we just don't like parties in general. I get suggesting a compromise, but a compromise involving a party isn't really something we can agree to.