'AITA for wanting to spend Christmas with my parents instead of my wife and kids?'

"AITA for wanting to spend Christmas with my parents instead of my wife and kids?"

My wife and I have been together for almost 15 years now. We live in the state where I grew up, and where my family lives. Every Christmas, we go to stay with my wife's family for the holidays. We usually fly out Christmas Eve and come home around New Years.

This Christmas will be our 14th one together, and the 12th where we have gone to her family's house. The only two times we haven't gone are when she was too pregnant to fly, and when weather canceled all the flights and we couldn't get out there in time. That particular year, I drove our family to another state to catch a plane, but we still couldn't get there for the actual day.

I've expressed my frustration that we always go to her family's for Christmas before, but I've gone along with it, since we're so much closer to my family for the rest of the year. We still see her parents about 4 times a year with them coming out to stay with us, or us flying out there. Also, my family is really boring for Christmas.

It's just my parents and my two siblings, and my dad will fall asleep after presents and a big meal. Her family has basically a full reunion every year. Her mom's side does a big party on Christmas Day, and her dad's side does one a couple days later. It is the only time of the year where my wife gets to see everyone, so I know it's special.

I should note that we will usually do a small Christmas get together with my family where we have dinner and exchange gifts before we fly out to my in-laws. We're going out there this year (2025). Two nights ago, though, I told my wife that next year (2026) I would like to spend Christmas with my family, and then fly out the next day to spend the remainder of the trip with her family.

My wife then lost it. We have three kids, and she couldn't believe I would choose to be with my parents over our children for Christmas. I told her that I knew I couldn't ask her to miss her family's Christmas to be with mine, because she is miserable when we do so.

I know Christmas would be ruined if I took the kids with me, so that was out of the question. I also said I couldn't believe she's asked me to miss every Christmas with my family, and that I just wanted to spend one with them.

It's not like I don't want to miss Christmas with my wife and kids, but I know she would hate missing her Christmas, and I know my kids would enjoy going to my in-laws more. I just feel like I want to have that day with my family. Especially since my youngest sibling, who is in recovery, has just started wanting to come back to the family and be a bigger part of our lives.

I know we technically do our own Christmas with my family, but it's just not the same. I still miss out on our traditions, and it hurts my parents that we are never there on Christmas Day.

My wife didn't talk to me at all yesterday, and said she thought I was trying to get prepared for divorce by saying that. I told her that's not it at all, but that I just want to spend a Christmas with my parents and siblings.

She thinks I'm intentionally trying to hurt her or her family. I feel like I'm going crazy, because I don't think it's that big of a deal, but she and I are not on the same page at all about this. So, am I the ahole for wanting to do a Christmas with my parents instead of my wife and kids?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Fair_Theme_9388 said:

NTA, your wife is massively overreacting by accusing you of preparing for divorce because you want to spend the holidays with your own family for the first time in 12 years. There is nothing wrong with you suggesting you spend Christmas with your family and then fly out to be with your wife’s family a few days later.

truth_fairy78 said:

Not to downplay Christmas, but do you spend every other holiday with your family? If so, you’re kinda taking away her only tradition.

AsethDearnight said:

NTA, that's a very reasonable and understandable request of yours.

dstanleyx said:

NTA for wanting to spend Christmas with your parents and siblings but it is an unfortunate title. You’re not trying to spend it with them “instead” because you would love for your family to be there, you just haven’t asked them.

I think you should try asking your kids and wife to be there with you and emphasize how important it is for you. Who cares if they’re bored for one year? Maybe they’ll find they enjoy a quieter time some years.

GMaryK said:

You all should alternate. One loud boisterous Christmas, followed by a quiet one. Let the kids see there is more than one way to do the holidays, and wife needs to learn to compromise. For now, NTA.

elusivemoniker said:

YTA. I think a lot of people are overlooking the fact that you want to leave your wife alone to travel with the kids during one of the busiest travel times of the year and miss your children on Christmas day to spend a quiet day with your mommy and daddy whom you see regularly throughout the year. This sounds like avoidance that you've wrapped in an argument about fairness.

procrastinator_71 said:

So let me cut this straight. You live near your family. You spend every other holiday with them except Christmas. She never gets to see her extended family outside of this annual tradition. Did I get all that right? In that case, yes, you are the AH.