"AITA for wanting to split living costs with my boyfriend?'
Me (51F) and my BF (51M) of 4 yrs are planning to move in together. We are both divorced, and we both own a home. My kids are in college, and his are in high school, so the plan is for me to sell my house and move into his house with him and his boys (16M and 14M) who live approx.
80% of the time with him. We don't plan to get married, and his house will continue to be owned solely by him. Moving into his house (vs. mine) is less disruptive to the boys, and provides a shorter commute for both of us.
I offered to pay half of all living costs (utilities, property tax and insurance), but on his mortgage I suggested only paying half of the amount of the interest payment, and none of the amount attributable to principal. My thinking is that the portion of the mortgage payment that goes to principal increases the equity he owns in the house, and only he benefits from it since my name will not be on title.
He agrees to splitting utilities, but instead of me paying half of other costs, my payment would be based on market rent rates. His mortgage does have a low interest rate, and he feels I should not benefit from him having a low interest rate. I feel like we are moving in as a couple, and even though we are not married, as a couple we should more or less split things.
For additional context, we both earn a good living with 6 figures, with me earning slightly more. He is more frugal overall, and I spend more on other stuff as I am more likely to buy more expensive wine, foodie items, etc. (and that has been the case during our relationship overall).
We both earned significantly more than our ex-spouses did, but he probably has more trauma from alimony etc. payments to his ex from the divorce. Our finances are, and would remain, separate.
I don't feel right about paying more than he does. With his math, I would pay about 55% of living costs (if I agree to pay also half of his principal/equity mortgage payment portion), or about 78% of true living costs (if we exclude his mortgage principal payment). So, AITA for only wanting to pay true half of living costs, without contributing to the equity/principal portion of his mortgage payment?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Unhappy-Prune-9914 said:
I would not sell my house for this guy and I would definitely not move in with him. You'd pay more in living expenses while he and his 2 kids also live there. Also won't you now be taking on more chores since they're with him most of the time? He is already taking advantage of you and I would consider how else he has done this in the past.
ADifficultPurchase said:
NTA. Sell both homes and get a mortgage together. If he refuses - do not sell your home and get a new boyfriend. I can’t tell you how many times I have given up my secure space to move into another guy‘s home and then it didn’t work out and I had nowhere to go. Maintain your independence at all costs.
J-littletree said:
Asking someone sharing a bed with you for the market rate is so messed up to me.
runiechica said:
NTA offer to let him move in with you and give him the same deal he’s offering you. Does he find that fair? You’re making sacrifices to move in with him, in paying half of utilities and living costs you’ll help pay for his kids. What he proposes only benefits him….that’s not a partnership.
Firm-Psychology-2243 said:
You should be paying market rate for a room in the area yes, not a house. That’s because most of the house will be utilized by him and his children, your payment contribution is effectively that of a housemate. NTA.
MorganFreemanCoPilot said:
NTA. The fact that he would even consider charging market rate would completely put me off wanting to move in simply because of how he's viewing me in the relationship and after all, I'm selling my own home. Should anything go awry, I'd be the one to have to leave. Negotiate if you feel compelled to do so but the way I see it, market rate is a hard NO.
EuphoricDatabase961 said:
NTA. "He feels I should not benefit from him having a low interest rate." Does he want a roommate or a partner?