'AITA for wanting to step back from financially helping my parents?'

"AITA for wanting to step back from financially helping my parents?"

My parents are not financially secure, no retirement. Classic immigrant story - they worked HARD but mostly low paying jobs, sacrificed everything to get us out of poverty, and prepared us for college. Fortunately, my brother (34M) and I(36F) ended up OK, high earning professionals.

I've been helping my parents financially ever since I started working. My partner (also from an immigrant background) and I have a similar mindset so we just both work our butts off working weekends, juggling two jobs so we can afford to send 6k month to support both sets of parents (his and mine) - 3k to my parents, 3k to in-laws + we cover food, trips, shopping, etc.

We just accepted the fact we can't prioritize mortgage and student loans like other people and we'll never live luxuriously but we are thankful that our parents are healthy and comfortable and that was enough for us.

At one point, we tried to encourage the parents to work since they are all healthy in their 60's. But every time we tried to have the convo, my brother always made me the bad guy who's trying to make our older parents work and he told me to "suck it up" for a little bit until his salary hits over 100k (he said it nicer than that but that was the message).

My brother always said when he's stable, he can take over supporting for our parents. He was always saying how he's gonna buy a house for them and they'll never have to worry about anything.

Fast forward to today, he now makes 500k a year, so I was excited! But when I brought up this talk, now, he's saying:

-It's not fair that he's expected to help when he just started making good money.

-He wants to pay off his student loans in full (instead of being stupid like me and paying over years).

-He's saving to visit his gf who's jobless and he'll probably have to support her family too.

-He's saving for FIRE since he doesn't want to work beyond 40

After a few confrontations, now my parents are taking his side. They are telling me I shouldn't pressure him and that we should "respect his lifestyle," not fight over money. That I shouldn't care how my brother spends his money.

Also, that they have enough money and they don't NEED money from him. I told them this is more about him being selfish and not keeping his promise. I told my parents, until my brother realizes the reality that we unfortunately have parents with no retirement and he also needs to help, I'm taking a break from giving them money.

I also added, this is NOT because I don’t want to give them money OR because I don’t appreciate all they’ve done for us. But if they are going to side with my brother and let him build his future, I deserve to do the same. My dad gets it but my mom flipped. She's now guilt tripping me saying she doesn't deserve kids like us and she wants to move away.

I love my family and I'm grateful for my parents' sacrifices and proud of us for working hard to get to where we are now. I also don't like discussing money so that's why I've put everyone else first! AITA for wanting to step back from financially supporting my parents until my brother contributes too?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

smellmajestic7355 wrote:

NTA !!! 6k?!?! Please stick with your plan. This was me (43f) and my baby sister for more than a decade. We sent 1k/month (she often spent more, renovating our mom's home and other stuff). And my brother (45m) never paid anything. Never held a job even. Lived in the home we paid for. After my sister and I paid off the mortgage, we stopped sending the money.

My mom asked for the SAME amount and was offended when we stopped. My sister didn’t wake up until she had a baby and my mom didn't care what it meant. It took a couple years after I stopped, but eventually my brother stepped up. Now my mom is dying, and I still visit call, provided care in some cases, but i am standing my ground and doing it in a way that minimizes my harm.

Hold your boundaries now, so it's not impossible later. Tbh, if we were white, I bet I would go NC. But I know that my mom's traumas are behind this, and that attitudes from the motherland mean the mistreatment of women travels. She suffered it too. I am breaking the cycle. It's hard, but you can too.

OP responded:

3k to my parents 3k to in laws cash, then we also cover food, travels, shopping so way more than that. I don't know how we managed. I'm just grateful my partner and I have jobs that we enjoy. It's hard to finally stand up! Holding my ground but praying that we don't end up in a place where everyone just lives selfishly.

wesmorgan1 wrote:

"After a few confrontations, now my parents are taking his side. They are telling me I shouldn't pressure him and that we should 'respect his lifestyle,"'not fight over money."

"That I shouldn't care how my brother spends his money. Also, that they have enough money and they don't NEED money from him."

...to which one proper response would be, "Oh, then you don't need money from me?"

OP responded:

Yes, that came out. that was how this whole "I'm not paying you no more" started.

Onitshanambra wrote:

NTA. And I would consider that in immigrant families where the children are expected to support their parents, that often these families come from places where the son will inherit everything. And especially with a salary of $500,000 a year, I would expect the brother to pay his fair share, or all of it.

SmellMajestic7355 wrote:

Oh yeah, my mom tried to pull this, saying religiously, he gets 2/3 of her money and my sister and I split the remaining 1/3. It never came to that, because we had to sell her home (that my sister and I paid like half of) for her medical bills and it wasnt sage for her anymore.

So there's no money to split. It's so offensive. The reason the men are supposed to get the money is to take care of the womenfolk but the brother here, and mine, take care of no one.

OP responded:

That's crazy.

rialtolido wrote:

NTA - You shouldn’t be pressured to work two jobs to support them when they won’t even work 1 job. They’re 60, not 80. Come up with a budget that includes savings for your future. In that budget, decide how much (if anything) you are comfortable giving your parents, and that’s that.

They can take it or leave it. The number may be to match whatever your brother gives. It could be more. It could be less. It could be zero. You would not be an AH in any case.

feminist1946 wrote:

Is it that your brother is a golden child or are you female. Time to turn off the tap. If they think your brother needs to take care of business with his own finances then you need to take care of your business with your finances

You have done your duty now it's your brother who makes $500,000 a year to step up to the plate. That's your mother doesn't understand is OK. Pay off your student loans. Get yourself out of debt. stop working yourself to the bone. Have a good life.

Jovon35 wrote:

NTA. I understand the mindset completely. But at the end of the day, us parents are not supposed to use our children as a retirement fund. The fact that you have generously supported them this long speaks a lot to your character.

The guilt tripping manipulation tactic should be an eye-opening experience and is a sign that you've made the right decision. Let the other adults in this situation take some accountability and figure out how they're going to move forward and you focus on you and your future for a while. Good luck!