'AITA for wanting to end my friendship with my best friend over a dress?' UPDATED
"AITA for wanting to end my friendship with my best friend over a dress?"
I lent my friend a dress back in mid June because she had a last minute event and didn’t have time to buy something new. She promised she would dry clean it and return it as soon as possible.
Since then, I have only seen her a few times because I study abroad, and every time I did see her she told me she still had not gotten the dress dry cleaned. I did not make an issue out of it because I thought she might feel embarrassed returning it without cleaning it properly.
About a week ago, I told her I needed the dress back because I am flying out on the 13th and I have a ball coming up. Since then, her replies have been very vague, usually just “okay” or no response at all. When she does reply, it is often late at night when she knows I am asleep, which avoids actually resolving the situation.
Two days ago, she called me in the morning asking if I wanted to go to the salon with her to get our nails and hair done. I agreed, but I reminded her clearly to please bring the dress with her, and she assured me she would.
When she called me to come downstairs, she told me she had forgotten the dress and asked me not to get mad. Once I got in the car, she explained that she forgot it because she was on the phone with her ex, which honestly upset me even more.
She then said she would send the dress with her brother once she got home because she was too tired, and I agreed. I reminded her again when she dropped me off, and she said okay. She never sent it.
She fell asleep, woke up around 11 pm, and only sent a voice note apologizing. It has now been two days, and she is not answering my calls even though she is active on Snapchat, which makes it feel like she is deliberately avoiding me.
One of my other friends thinks I am overreacting and that this is not that big of a deal, saying it is just a dress and not worth ending an entire friendship over. I understand that perspective, but this is not the first time she has done things like this.
I am exhausted by a friendship where I feel like I am always the one being patient and accommodating while not receiving the same respect or consideration in return. To me, this is not just about a dress. It is about boundaries, reliability, and feeling taken seriously.
A few hours later, the OP returned with updates.
So I got her mom’s number and messaged her asking if she could tell her daughter to send me my dress. I was very polite. Her mom replied within one minute. Around 2 to 4 minutes later, my friend then replied to me and responded to my messages.
She said she had been asleep and said she hadn’t put me in a difficult position. She also said that if she really didn’t want to return the dress, she would have just ignored me.
I explained to her that she had not been responding, that I am traveling tomorrow, and that the lack of communication was giving me anxiety. She then became upset because her mom believed she had taken my dress and was not returning it, and her mom confronted her about it.
Before dropping off the dress, she sent me a long message saying that what I did was messed up, that I should have known better, and that I put her in a very awful situation with her mom because her mom thought she took my dress and chewed her out.
She said that she had genuinely been asleep and that her phone died because I was calling so much. She also said that instead of her taking my dress, I was the one taking a dress from her. She ended the message by saying, “the dress is on the way to you, enjoy it!” (When she sent this, she was still believing I did all that for her dress.)
When the dress arrived, it turned out to be her dress (the one she showed me when I was at her house a while ago), not mine. I told her that I want my dress. She then got angry and asked if I was messing with her, saying I should have said I wanted my dress and not “the dress.”
I told her that I had already said this on Snapchat before she picked me up to go to the salon, and that I would not be calling, messaging, and going to this length just to get her dress.
She responded by saying that she does not check Snapchat and that I knew that. She then tried to blame me for the situation. When I told her that I would not go to all of this effort for a dress that is not even mine, she did not respond and instead asked if anyone could come pick up my dress.
I tried to shorten everything as much as possible, but that is the short version of what happened. Of course, I also got yelled at by her before the dress got to me about how crazy I am and how messed up it is, and this was before her long paragraph.
Thank god I already have an at home massage scheduled, because after this, I genuinely need it. Hopefully the dress saga is over and I can enjoy my dress at the ball!😭
The OP then returned with their final update.
Omg the dress is finally back. I got it in a Crocs bag, not folded or anything, just thrown in. When I gave her the dress, it was hung up and in a protective baggie that the laundromat puts them in. The dress was NOT clean. It smells like she just sprayed perfume on it, it’s very overpowering, there’s glitter on it, and there are stains that look like either food or makeup.
Thankfully there’s a laundromat a 5 minute walk from my house, so it will be done by tomorrow morning at the latest. Thank you to everyone who has helped me through this dress saga!
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
She’s obviously ruined the dress and was trying not to tell you.
NOR. The dress is no more. It's shuffled off its mortal coil. She snuffed it! She probably spilled something on it, or got it caught in something and damaged it. Or...lent it to someone else who has yet to return it. Either way, I very much doubt you'll see your dress ever again.
NTA She either ruined the dress or wants it for herself. You are ending the connection because she is lying by omission. You aren’t friends with liars.
She is being so inconsiderate, and this would make me wonder if she had ruined the dress and is just hiding it from you.
I don't understand why you say, in your title, "ending your friendship over a dress" when it's not really over a dress. Apparently she has done this several times. So I think you're doing yourself a disservice by saying "over a dress" when there's a lot more to your story. Why not have a title that days "end a friendship over being disrespected repeatedly by my chronically unreliable friend."
"if you don't have possession of the dress or it's damaged, just be honest with me so we can get off this merry go around" sounds like the way to go. Then idk, reimburse you for the dress? It seems like she may choose the dress/money over your friendship. June is a long time to keep up this game since.
anonaz4 (OP)
I actually did say that to her when she picked me up. I asked her directly if she still had the dress or if something had happened to it, and she told me she has it and that it is fine. She said the only reason she did not bring it was because she was on the phone with her ex and forgot.
She also texted me when she left her house, and her house is only about a five to seven minute drive from mine, which makes it even harder to understand why it could not have been brought with her. That is part of what makes this so frustrating, because I gave her multiple chances to be honest and return it.