"AITA for wanting to go out to a buffet with my friend?"
I (33F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 7 years. We have 4 kids (6M, 4F, 3M, 5 month old). He’s a great dad and husband overall. We’re introverted homebodies, spend most time in with the kids, gaming, movies, etc.
We rarely argue, and when we do it gets resolved quickly. My only real complaint is that he has never taken me out on a date in our entire marriage. I’ve never asked for anything fancy...just a simple meal out would be nice, but it never happens.
My husband recently lost his job due to “frustration of contract,” and he’s been depressed and stressed.
I’ve been handling everything on the home front: all the cleaning, cooking, school runs, dishes, laundry, groceries, bedtime, etc.
I’ve also been doing all of his unemployment paperwork, helped rebuild his résumé, and send him job links daily. Meanwhile, he spends hours playing COD and leaves messes around the house that I end up cleaning. I haven’t complained because I know he’s struggling mentally.
I recently became friends with my next-door neighbor “Tina.” She also has 4 kids, and once or twice a week we step outside for about an hour to smoke and talk. We both make sure our kids are fed, the house is set, and everything is safe before we step out.
Since my husband has been home, I haven’t made my kids come outside unless they want to, because an adult is in the house now. My husband told me he doesn’t like that I go out for that hour, saying my friend “asks too much of me,” even though she doesn’t ask anything.. I enjoy the break and human connection.
Today Tina says we should make a plan soon to go to a Chinese buffet 10 minutes away. We’d smoke, eat, and come home. Just a couple hours. I never go out. I’ve never had alone time since my first kid was born. I was excited because I’m extremely overstimulated lately and feel like I’m in nonstop mom mode. When I mentioned it to my husband, he blew up.
He said I’m “selfish” for wanting to leave him with the kids while I “go fill my belly,” that I “need a reality check,” that I “signed up for kids,” and that I shouldn’t need any peace because he doesn’t get any. I told him I’d cook dinner before I left and make sure everything was set. I also told him I’d be happy if he ever had a friend invite him somewhere because he never goes out to have fun. I wouldn’t stop him.
He kept insisting I was selfish no matter what I said. Eventually I just stopped arguing because I was exhausted and hurt. I feel guilty now, but also angry, because I genuinely don’t think wanting a couple hours with a friend is wrong after everything I’ve been doing for the family. AITA for wanting one small break and going to a buffet with a friend?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Wonderful_Two_6710 wrote:
NTA.That is incredibly controlling behavior.
OP responded:
I had to constantly nag him for days to sit behind me at my computer while we did the application. It was exhausting mentally. And then on top of that, I'm trying to get him to call unemployment since we haven't heard from them all week. I try to be strong for all of us but sometimes I feel like I'm losing it, so when the suggestion came up for a buffet, I was hype.
Hermit-Cooki0923 wrote:
It gets worse: she mentioned in another comment she doesn't have legal residency in her husband's country so she can't work...dude is a major AH.
OP responded:
Nasty things were said on both sides and I mentioned how controlling he's being, he doesn't see it that way at all. All of my feelings and reasons are always just garbage to him when he believes he's in the right, and then denies hurtful things he's said to me. I firmly believe he's a narcissist. I had parents who were, and a Grandmother that was who raised me as well. I know a narcissist when I see one.
ispywithmybougieeye wrote:
You lost me at he's unemployed yet playing COD all day with all them kids yall got. HARD PASS, cause no way am I paying all the bills AND BEING TOLD HOW TO SPEND MY FREE TIME.
I desperately need a little bit of time. Two hours isn't asking for much. I'm definitely going to the buffet with her even more, now that he blew up on me like this though. Things are going to be changing around here.
OP responded:
He's the one that holds all the funds and earns it all. I'm a stay at home Mom :/
Regardless, I feel like I deserve that little bit of time but to him it's like I'm asking for a whole weekend away...
ImpossibleReason2204 wrote:
You hardly ever argue, but when you say you're going out for your first meal out in 7 years, to a buffet, he blows up? Are you...are you smoking weed with four kids in the home? You need time away. Everyone needs time away. Going out for a meal is not selfish, it's self care, and you need it. NTA, but this whole thing makes me sad.
Only-Breadfruit6108 wrote:
Just because he says it’s selfish down mean he’s right. But let’s for a moment assume that he is. And then what? Okay, so you’re being selfish, for the first time in 7 years. And? Why is that a problem?
Is it selfish to utilize your resources and go out when he’s secure at home? He’s not a babysitter, he’s a parent. All he has to do is feed the kids a ready cooked meal and put them to bed. If he can’t handle that, you’ve all got bigger problems than you realize! NTA. Enjoy your Chinese buffet and your new friend.
ReadMeDrMemory wrote:
NTA. "I’ve been handling everything on the home front: all the cleaning, cooking, school runs, dishes, laundry, groceries, bedtime, etc. I’ve also been doing all of his unemployment paperwork, helped rebuild his résumé, and send him job links daily. Meanwhile, he spends hours playing COD and leaves messes around the house that I end up cleaning.…when I mentioned it to my husband, he blew up.
He said I’m “selfish” for wanting to leave him with the kids while I “go fill my belly,” that I “need a reality check,” that I “signed up for kids,” and that I shouldn’t need any peace because he doesn’t get any." He could be right about your needing a reality check if you believe this is how "a great dad and husband" acts. Stress or no stress, this is not the behavior of a good person.
OP jumped on with a small update after receiving lots of feedback.
Update Thanks for the replies everyone. I know I wasn't in the wrong from the beginning, I just really needed to hear it from other people. And my eyes have been open to other things I need to discuss with him from the replies. It helps a lot when others put things into a different perspective for me and we're definitely going to be having a long discussion tonight when the kids are in bed.