'AITA for wanting to go to college even though my siblings need me?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting to go to college even though my siblings need me?"

Hey, I’ll get straight to it. I(17f) am the oldest of 9(15m, 13m, 13f, 12m, 10f, 7m, 5f, 2m) My mother is a single mother who works hard to supply for us but relies mostly off child support(as my most of my siblings and I have different fathers). Though I’m only a half sister to most of my siblings, I still love them all very much and try my very best treat them as equal.

I got a job at 14 to help make extra cash and my days normally consist of getting up early to help get all the kiddos to school(or getting online for virtual school) and then going to my classes of the day(I’m a junior in high school) before going to work right when school ends and getting home a little before midnight.

During the day while I’m in class, I’m still watching my 2 year old brother and making sure all the other kids are still in class/paying attention. My mom works at a small restaurant nearby from around 7am-3pm, but when she’s home mostly just sleeps because she’s tired from her long shifts.

Now for the actual AITA. Recently I’ve been looking at and getting ready to apply to colleges but haven’t told my mother. She went through my laptop the other day and found out what I was looking up financial aid and looking at some state schools a bit farther away(600-700 miles) and got really upset.

She started crying saying she couldn’t afford to send me to school and that she couldn’t continue to care for my siblings without me. I felt really bad and apologized and we just sorta dropped it, but I didn’t plan on stopping searching. I mentioned the other day I was really interested in a nearby state school(one state over) that offered my major and was cheaper than in state tuition at my state school.

I was super excited and told my mom. She completely blew up at me. She kept telling me how selfish I was to abandon our family and that if I left I’d be setting my family up to fail. She started yelling and crying and soon my siblings got upset and also started crying too. It was a mess that left me really conflicted.

On one hand, I don’t want to be selfish and prioritize my future over my siblings but on the other hand, I’m just exhausted. I’m so so tired on running on 4 hours of sleep and then just spending all day either working, babysitting, or doing school. I understand that’s how life is and that it’s just hard and I have to learn to deal but at the same time it all feels so frustrating.

I see all these other kids my age going out and having fun and doing teen things and it makes me sad that I have to miss that. But I know it’s my responsibility to take care of my siblings. I’m at a loss and at this point just need to know if I’d really be an @$$hole if I decided to go to college.

I’d still send money home as often as possible and I’d get financial aid and take out a loan to spend as little money as possible but I feel terrible for wanting to be selfish and leave my family.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

memx12 said:

NTA. At all. Your siblings are NOT your responsibility- they are your mothers. She needs to stop relying on you. She works 8 hrs a day. That’s pretty normal. She shouldn’t spend the rest of the time sleeping. She needs to be a parent. She chose to have all these kids and she needs to take care of them.

Parentification is abuse. You have every right to live your own life. Go to college. You need to think of your own future and how you will support yourself.

thebetteroffdead said:

NTA, I agree with what people are saying about your mom being abusive, so I want to talk about another aspect of your situation. Do NOT take out loans for her. Don't ruin your credit and finances for her mistakes. No matter what she says, her children are her responsibility.

Don't let her pressure you into taking out loans to benefit her. You may need to take out loans for school, but they have counselors to help you understand it. If you take out a loan, those funds should be for you.

If you end up being pressured into this, contact ANYONE at the bank and tell them you're being coerced and need help. I'm a former bank employee and if we find out someone is being coerced, they will help you.

Raising your siblings isn't your responsibility, you deserve a chance at a better life. As your siblings get older, let them follow your example. I wish you all the luck in the world, do what you need to do for you.

And joanclaytonesq said:

Oh darling, this breaks my heart. You are NTA at all. You aren't responsible for raising your siblings. Your mother chose to have kids, you didn't. Her choices should not infringe on your life and your future. The fact that she thinks you should sacrifice your future to help raise her children is terrible-- she is failing in her duty as a parent.

You are a child and I am so sorry that you have had this responsibility foisted on you at a time when you should be free to be a kid and plan your future. You are not the parent her and you shouldn't be expected to take on parental responsibilities. You definitely shouldn't feel bad about looking for ways to get out of this situation and build a life of your own.

Continue your college search, talk to your guidance counselor about scholarships and other aid that you might be eligible for and move forward with your own life. Don't let your mother guilt you into sacrificing your future for the choices that she has made. Good luck!

OP later shared this edit in response to the comments:

I had no idea I’d get this much response and to each and every single person I am so, so grateful. Addressing some common questions and points:

-“Why don’t the other kids have jobs? Specifically the older boys?” I understand they’re the same age as when I got a job but I can’t ask them of that. I want them to be able to study and have fun and be teens. Unless they want to get a job, I don’t plan on asking them or forcing them to get a job.

Though, now that I’m sure I’d like to go to college (thank you for helping me decide!) I might sit down with them and talk about getting a job, something that brings more cash but won’t prevent them from having their childhood taken over.

- “Parentification” I originally had never heard of this but I read about it and now realize that this is in fact incredibly accurate to my situation unfortunately. I’m still a bit confused about why it’s considered abuse, but I know it’s a type of emotional manipulation

-“Where’s the dad(s)?” We only know the father of me(also my 15yo brothers dad), the 13 year olds(twins) and the 7yo. My mother had too many “dates” when the others were conceived to know who the fathers were for sure. The fathers we do know pay child support but my mother got full custody of all of us anyways.

Thank you all again so so so much. I’m going to be applying to colleges with low tuition when the time comes and won’t tell my mom until the day I move out. I also plan to talk to my siblings about what this means. I’m considering trying to find a situation where I may also bring along the 2yo and maybe the 5yo. Much love to all of you and thanks for the kind awards.

She later shared this update:

Hey. I wasn’t sure where to post an update and wasn’t even sure if I wanted to, but you deserve one. First off, thank you all so much for your kind words, resources, offers of help, etc. I’m still sifting through much of it and trying to reply where I can. Now, for the actual update portion. I am NOT going into intricate details about this so please do not send messages asking for more info.

A close friend recognized the story and brought to the attention of a guidance counselor at our school, who confronted me about it. I denied it as I didn’t want anyone to find out it was me(I was mostly jsut embarrassed.) My friend called CPS after that. I was pissed, and didn’t talk to her for a few days. CPS came but I’m not going into details.

My siblings and I will be separated a bit. I’m still pretty broken up about this as I really don’t want to be separated from them but I know it’s likely the best. Thank you all again for the massive support I received. Sorry if this sounds sloppy or lazy but I’m still processing a lot of emotions right now.

<3