"AITA for wanting to leave my fiancé over sleepwalking?"
This probably sounds really, really strange and I don't know what to do anymore. Me (F23) and my fiancé Jake (M25) have been together for 4 years. We talk about marriage and kids. Two years ago his dad passed away, so about a year ago we into his dad’s house.
Now comes the weird part… a little over a month ago we went to bed like normal. I woke up in the middle of the night, because Jake got up. I think for moment he was just standing there with his back to the bed, then it looked like his legs just gave out.
That woke me up completely. Of course I was really worried and asked him if he was okay but he didn’t answer. Instead he crawled around to the foot of the bed on my side, knelt down with his arms on the bed and his face buried in them, and then he started crying. I was worried but I also heard you aren‘t supposed to wake up a sleepwalker, so I didnt know what to do.
At first his crying was really quiet, with only his body shaking visibally, then it got more until he was full-on wailing. I have never seen him like that. Honestly I’ve never seen anyone like that.
He said some stuff but the only thing I really understood was him saying he was sorry. The weirdest thing was that his voice sounded nothing like him. I don't know how to describe it, but it was like something from a ghost movie. It felt like a nightmare. I just froze.
After a while his crying slowed down, then he looked up. He looked right at me but not at me, like a distant look. He stayed like that for what felt like forever. It was already getting light out when he finally got up and went back to bed. After that I just sat in the kitchen because there was no way I was going back to sleep.
When he woke up he didn’t remember anything. He just joked that it felt like someone drove over his legs during the night. He was really sweet when he saw how shaken I was.
He’s never sleepwalked before, at least not that we know of. He didn’t have a fever or anything like that, and I know it wasn’t just a dream, because his legs had actual bruises.
Here’s maybe where I’m the AH: the next night, I couldn’t fall asleep next to him. And it was the same the night after. After two nights with literally no sleep, I moved to the couch.
I finally slept but it was super light, like I woke up at every little sound. After a week I was completely miserable and irritable. Jake tried to be patient but he also started to get impatient, which I can’t even blame him for.
After two weeks I couldn’t handle it anymore. I took sick days from work and went to my mom’s. I slept almost 24 hours straight there. After a few days, I went back and the sleeplessness started all over again.
I’m just exhausted. It’s taking such a toll on me, on Jake, and on our relationship. I got problems at work too, I cant concentrate anymore.. I don’t know what to do. Jake doesn’t get why my reaction is so extreme to “a little sleepwalking.” He even showed me videos of a woman who sleepwalks regularly, but that’s not really the issue, I can't control my sleeping.
Last week we fought a lot, mostly about stupid little things. I seriously think about leaving him. I told my mom and she got mad, she said it would be stupid to throw everything away over something like this.
But I just don’t know. I love him a lot, he’s such a sweet and loving person, but this isn’t healthy for either of us and I can’t keep living like this. So would I really be the AH if I left him over this?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You both need to see doctors. Him a sleep specialist, and you a therapist.
Agreed. This sounds traumatic to you, and you need to talk to someone.
Correct-Morning-7054 (OP)
I went to a doctor when I visited my mom and got physically checked out but everything is fine.., we don't live in a city so going to a therapist might not really be an option but I am thinking about looking into apps.
But I am a bit worried my family and Jake agreed once they "don't believe in bringing family problems to strangers" and I feel already judged for being overdramatic...I asked Jake to go to a doctor. I am a bit worried that it could be something serious...but he thinks it isn't necessary because it was a one time thing.
I think you need to get over yourself. Imagine claiming to love someone and then acting like you're traumatized over them being traumatized… in their sleep. Seriously, get a therapist if you’re genuinely that fragile.
I can’t even imagine making such a pathetic stink if this were my partner... probably because the love I have for my partner is real, not performative. So sorry he gave you the ick. Grow up. “He just joked that it felt like someone drove over his legs during the night.” He’s funny; you’re exhausting.
So he had a nightmare where he happened to sleep walk - once in the 4 years you've been together - and now you want to dump him because you can't get over it. You don't love him.
You definitely can't make it through better and worse and sickness and health so it's better you leave before something actually bad happens since he clearly won't be able to rely on you in tough times.
YTA. If someone sleepwalking 1 time is so traumatizing to you that you can't sleep or concentrate on work then move home, get MAJOR therapy and grow up. Imagine if your fiance reacted like this to you giving birth, which is gruesome and bloody and can be traumatizing?
How would you feel if the love of your life couldn't handle any problems that happened during life? If he gets cancer and has diarrhea and vomiting will you have to leave then too?
He literally lost his father, had a nightmare and you are treating it like he was beating you. Or was it the fact that whatever old school, patriarchal "don't tell personal problems to strangers" backwater you were raised in doesn't let men express their emotions and seeing him cry has just blown your mind? There is a reason young people shouldn't get married.