Father-in-law calls son 'shameful' for not honoring his late stepbrother; 'no one deserves this over a baby name.' AITA?
AITA for warning my FIL he'll lose his son and never see his grandkids if he bullies his own son over the names we chose for our children?
My husband and I (both late 20s) became the parents of twin boys a few weeks ago. We live over 20 hours from his family and with the boys delivery being difficult we asked for them to wait to visit. Once his dad and dad's wife saw the names they started acting crazy.
We named one of our boys after my husband's late brother, who died age 9. My husband adored his little brother and wanted to honor him. We both loved his brother's name so it was a very easy choice for us.
But his brother wasn't the only one to pass in the accident. His stepbrother also passed away in the same accident. And my husband's dad and his wife are pissed that we honored his brother, but not the stepbrother.
It started with my husband being asked by his dad why we chose his brother's name only and why both boys names didn't honor their late uncles. From there it has grown increasingly clear that FIL isn't going to let it go.
FILs wife is also chiming in but significantly less than FIL. She tried to start a group chat to discuss it and said that we had broken the hearts of the whole family with our choice and she wanted us to explain. But we both simply left that attempted group chat.
FIL has called my husband names, has told him he's ashamed and tried to pressure him to change our other son's name to honor his late stepson. My husband told him to stop. He has stopped answering the calls and texts but FIL bullies him.
That's really what it comes down to. He's trying to pressure him and he acts like this is a decision everyone should get a say in and not just the two of us. Because of this we have decided not to set a date for them to visit.
FIL called me to discuss what was going on and I ignored him at first but then I was so angry because he told my husband that he ruined his brother's memory and had become a son nobody could be proud of. It got to my husband a bit and he broke down.
He had a good relationship with his dad so the words stung and we talked about how we might need to not have him in our lives. So I answered the second call and FIL tried telling me I should have kept my husband in line and made him see why we were wrong.
I told FIL to stop and I warned him he'll lose his son and never meet his grandkids if he doesn't stop bullying my husband. I told him I will not let my kids be around this and I told him nobody should be pressured to honor the dead when they name their child and nobody should be told how to name their child. I said as the parents it's up to us, not him as the grandfather.
He started calling me names and that made me end the call. I had to block his number because he was calling me heartless. My husband was angry his dad turned on me.
He also appreciated that I spoke up and said he'd consider blocking his dad if nothing changes/calms down and we don't get an apology. We both think it's unlikely. FIL's wife did text my husband saying I had no business calling FIL a bully and threatening him like I did. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Definitely NTA. Congratulations on the arrival of your twins. In what should be such a joyous time you are being forced to deal with some atrocious behavior. Your FIL is an asshole. He may still be grieving, but that does not give him permission to be an asshole and to treat people.poorly. He needs to seek therapy, and if he has already had therapy, he needs more!!!
NTA. OP's FIL is way out of line. Naming their children is a personal decision, and no one has the right to bully OP or her husband over it. She made a meaningful choice that honors someone deeply important to her husband, and it’s unfair for OP'S FIL to try to hijack that for his own preferences.
Time to go NC for at least a while.
A day wouldn't go by that I wasn't thankful those in-laws lived 20 hours away.
INFO: Why would you be an asshole to try to protect your husband?
BreakOk5778 (OP)
Well, I know it could be argued that I should have left my husband to handle his dad. And that I might have gone too far. My husband doesn't believe so, which is good. But I feel like I still could have overstepped.
NTA. Your FIL is being controlling and manipulative, and you’re absolutely right to protect your husband and kids from his toxic behavior. You and your husband made a deeply personal choice in naming your children, and it’s none of your FIL’s business to approve or dictate how you honor anyone.
You didn’t “threaten” him; you set a boundary and warned him of the natural consequences of his actions. If he continues to bully and emotionally abuse your husband, it’s only logical that he won’t get to play the role of doting grandfather.
The fact that FIL is resorting to name-calling and dragging his wife into the mix shows he’s not interested in understanding your perspective, only in controlling the narrative. You’re doing the right thing by standing firm and prioritizing your family’s well-being over his demands. Let him stew in his anger while you enjoy your precious time with your twins.