'AITA for warning my sister I would leave her off the wedding guest list if she doesn't stop?'

"AITA for warning my sister I would leave her off the wedding guest list if she doesn't stop pushing me to ask mom's husband to walk me down the aisle?"

My sister (22f) and I (29f) share the same biological parents. I was 9 and she was 2 when our dad died and I was 11 and she was 4 when our mom remarried. For lots of reasons we don't have the same relationship with mom's second husband.

To my sister he's dad, he's the best guy in the world and she will scream from the rooftops to defend him. A few years ago she went no contact with our dad's parents and siblings because she took offense to them calling us his little girls in a card they left on his grave. She told them she was our stepfather's little girl.

She actually said we both were. And that dad didn't raise us like he did. This was the first time we ever had a real fight between us, though we had bickered and disagreed on this topic before, because I told her he was not and would never be my dad.

She accused our grandparents, aunts and uncles of disrespecting our stepfather and of turning me against my family and she told them she hoped they'd join dad like they wanted to so bad since they wouldn't come to terms with who our real dad is now.

The fight between us continued beyond my sister cutting dad's family out of her life. She told me she had no idea I would be so set in my ways still and that she thought I'd have seen things clearer being older. I told her it's because I'm older that I don't see it the same. I told her nobody replaced my dad.

She told me it wasn't normal to have someone else raise you and to feel like they weren't your real parent. I reminded her I was 11 when he married mom so he didn't even raise me as long as dad did. Then she said I had known him longer though and parenting doesn't end at 18. I pointed out I no longer lived with them at 18 and I never went to him for parenting or for support.

She argued he loved me as much as her and he didn't deserve to be the guy mom married. This fight lasted close to 5 weeks and I had to take some time from her before it turned into something physical. She got so worked up I expected it to become that.

We did make up, kinda, but were still very much not on the same page about mom's husband. We also had a smaller fight over this topic around Father's Day because it was the 20th one without dad and she didn't like my post to dad and felt it invalidated mom's husband.

And maybe it did in her eyes because he became our dad when he married mom to her. But the reality is he only became her dad and never mine. And I'm not even close to him, or to mom anymore, because they could never wrap their heads around me not accepting him as my dad or my parent.

Now the fight has turned to my wedding and the fact mom's second husband will not be father of the bride, will not walk me down the aisle, get a dance or have a standout place at the wedding. He's mom's plus one and that's it for me. He'll be acknowledged in a toast with her but that's it.

My sister doesn't like it, and has made it her mission to force my hand into asking him. She even went behind my back and told him I was going to ask and had finally come around and started a whole shitshow between me and mom over it. Mom's husband was too busy sulking over not being asked to fight it out with me. And that's a whole other thing. I won't get into it here.

I confronted my sister over what she did, she said she was trying to get me to do the right thing. We argued and it turned into another fight. This is when I told her I would leave her off the guest list if she doesn't stop pushing. My sister told me I have always hated her for loving mom's husband, for not wanting dad to be her dad but to have him as her dad because he's alive.

She told me she never understood picking some dead guy over someone still alive who wanted to be our dad. She said I ruined our family. I told her I couldn't take my love away from dad and give it to somebody else and I couldn't love somebody who tried to make me love them and tried to take a spot claimed by another.

My sister got incredibly frustrated and started cussing me out. But then she told me I was being an ahole and threatening to keep her away from my wedding was to punish her when she didn't deserve it and that I was asking for too much.

I told her I was serious and I walked away from the fight and I have refused to engage since. She has tried and she has told me I can't keep her away from my wedding, I'm not being fair and she loves me and doesn't want to miss her only sister getting married. But I'm seriously thinking I might need to keep her away. AITA?

Note: When I talked about what mom's husband would not be at my wedding, I should have said that was the plan before things kicked off. Now neither mom or her husband are invited because of the argument that happened after my sister lied.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

SkyWing937 said:

This is a simple case really. Just ask her this. “If stepdad died, and mom found and married another guy, would you see new stepdad as your dad since both dad and old stepdad are both dead? Or would old stepdad still be dad for you?

If so then you’re no different then me since I still see dad as my only dad.” If she feels that strong about stepdad, it would put y’all in the exact same position in the given situation. And if she can’t wrap her head around that then she’s a lost cause.

stuckinnowhereville said:

NTA- disinvite her. If mom doesn’t come oh well.

Commercial-Mark-6596 said:

No your family just doesn’t have boundaries. No one should have forced you to call your step father “dad” and he should’ve been content being an extra support rather than the only father you knew.

Your sister is weird for projecting the love she feels for him onto you. Like it doesn’t lessen her love, it’s just different for you and that’s ok. Your mom also needs to get a grip and stop trying to force your love for your step parent, it should always be a child’s choice.

Visual-Lobster6625 said:

NTA - your sister can have him walk HER down the aisle when SHE gets married. Your wedding, your way.

MistySky1999 said:

Your sister can do what she pleases-- at her own wedding. You do what you please at yours. If she doesn't understand this, she wasn't very well brought up, ironically. Either she respects your choices, or she chooses not to be invited. Simple. Get security for your wedding. Nta.

highoncatnipbrownies said:

NTA. Your sister is obsessed. Why is this such an issue for her? She needs to mind her own business. She sounds borderline manic…I think she needs grief therapy and is in denial. Make sure you have security because they’re going to have to carry her out kicking and screaming literally.

Also you mention your step father being too sad (pouty?) to argue with you. That’s absolutely relevant here. Is he working your sister up? What’s your mom’s two cents here? She really should have stepped in a while ago and told her to knock it off.