'AITA if we don’t pay for my sons rehearsal dinner because I can’t stand his fiancée?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA if we don’t pay for my son's rehearsal dinner because I can’t stand his fiancée?"

Just for background, my husband and I have three sons - Luis (32), Cyril (27), and Jaime (22). Cyril has been with his girlfriend Rosa (27) for 5 years and Jaime has been with his now wife Lucy (20) for a bit longer.

We are all very close since it was just this year that my oldest two boys moved out, Jaime and Lucy (and their 2y/o daughter Lettie) will be living with us for a few more years since Lucy is still in school. We are absolutely fine with this, they are both helpful, sweet, and wonderful parents despite everything. Plus they’re not taking my grandbaby anywhere as long as I can help it lol!

Luis started dating Jessa (36f) about a year ago and got engaged a few weeks ago. To be perfectly honest I’m not totally sure about her but he seems happy and has been through a lot. I don’t want to be some evil mother in law and have really tried getting to know her, but I think we’re just very different.

She’s kind of conservative politically and my husband is a US citizen but was born in Mexico so as you can imagine I do not support and did not vote for the current administration. Rosa, Lucy, and I have bonded in the past by going to rallies, protests etc and this all came up when I tried including Jessa and invited her - she declined and sent me a long text.

Nothing crazy Q*non but like we’d call them Reagan republicans in my day not that it’s the same these days at all! It was still so awkward, but I’ve continued trying to invite her to non political things but I think that one invitation soured things.

Other than politics, I have also found Jessa’s attitude towards Jaime and especially Lucy gross. I’m not stupid, I don’t think that two people with such a big age gap would become bffs but jessa seems to go out of her way to make snide comments about Lucy when she’s not there.

I haven’t said anything bc it’s her wedding and 100% her choice, but also think it’s odd that she asked Rosa to be a bridesmaid but was even saying she didn’t know if they’d be inviting Lucy to the reception (she thinks she should stay home watching Lettie because she won’t have fun since she won’t let her drink - the venue does allow people under 21 and one of her sisters is 19 and invited).

Also showing Lucy pictures of her sister that Jaime would walk down the aisle (???). Rosa and Lucy have both acknowledged it but haven’t seemed too upset, it’s still gross. Anyways Jessa texted is earlier asking about the budget for the rehearsal dinner and I just feel like I don’t want to spend any more money on this than I have to.

My husband thinks it’s best to just leave it, but it feels like the principle of the matter. Plus they’re not even having a rehearsal or anything? They just want to have a dinner. My husband’s stance is that it’s true we help Jaime and Lucy a bit more than our other sons currently but we paid for Cyril’s college and more expensively Luis’ rehab (7 years sober we are all so proud!).

He said not to let politics get in between family but even if she was a true blue liberal I wouldn’t like the way she has been treating Jaime and Lucy. Ultimately, I want to continue having a close relationship with my children and their partners, but I also don’t want to be walked all over, and I don’t want to seem like I’m condoning bullying.

Lucy’s family completely abandoned her so we’re all she has left, I don’t want her to feel like we don’t care about her. At the same time, I know I’m biased towards them since Jaime is my baby and I’ve known Lucy for so long that she’s like the daughter I never had. So would I be TA if we don’t pay for their rehearsal dinner?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Exotic-Rooster4427 wrote:

I think snide comments need to be addressed. 'Sorry whar exactly do you mean by that?' 'I didn't think an age gap meant we had to be rude to people. Should I be mean to you because we also have an age gap?' 'Dont you roll your eyes at me. In this family we don't have a free pass to be mean to other members of it.'

I think you have to be fair and contribute an equal amount to your children. She will be the mother of your grandchildren after all. I'd just say budget we are contributing for meal is $750 and we'd like all three of our children and partners invited.

OP responded:

I have addressed snide comments. I mentioned the dress shopping one, but there have been other times when I’ve stuck up for them and she’s just blown off what I’ve said.

NoZookeepergame9552 wrote:

Lucy is the only female actually legally married to one of your sons, to not invite her and expect her husband to be a groomsman is out of line.

But it is your sons you should be talking to - Jamie about standing up for his wife and Luis that you can’t financially support an event that excludes a member of the family without a valid reason. Clearly she judges Lucy for being a teen mom, and may be jealous bc at 36 she isn’t sure she will get a chance to have a kid.

But that can’t be a reason to exclude her, anymore than her being homos*xual or of a different culture would be. Not only is it not something Lucy has done to Jess or defines who Lucy is - but Jamie was also a teen parent and just as responsible. Plus Luis had to go to rehab for addiction, so he should understand forgiving past mistakes.

And Luis has known Lucy since she was a young teen, lived with her until recently and knows she was abandoned by her family, so I’d be concerned Luis isn’t more empathetic about excluding her now. I guess I’m not sure why Jess is giving Jamie a pass if teen pregnancy is the issue, and I’m not sure why you are giving Luis a pass for excluding Lucy from his wedding. Why is this all on the women?

OP responded:

I’m not giving them a pass for excluding Lucy. It’s a point of contention and if she isnt explicitly invited Jaime has said he won’t go and neither will his daughter.

This was after a weird comment Jessa made about Lucy’s body (basically something like well that’s one good thing about getting pregnant as a teenager at least you’re not completely ruined) and it’s caused a rift between Jaime and Luis because Jessa thinks she didn’t do anything g wrong and it was a compliment?

miserable-drive-7896 wrote:

You are being very soft on your daughter-in-law and your son; you should cut her comments and disrespect at once and make it clear to her that such attitudes will not be allowed. I understand if she doesn't want to be friends with Lucy, but she doesn't have to disrespect her or treat her badly every chance she gets.

And if I were you, I wouldn't pay for any of this wedding, because I don't think your son deserves it if he's letting his fiancée treat others like that. I'm sorry, I know it's probably going to hurt, but you have to realize that if your son is allowing these attitudes even when everyone has already talked to him, then maybe he's not a good person.

OP responded:

This is how I feel. I want to support my son and it’s not just the politics, but also the bullying. Basically Jessa has told people she doesn’t want it to look like she’s condoning Jaime and Lucy’s choices but it just seems so hypocritical!

1. They didn’t get an abortion 2. They are married 3. They’re not on any government assistance (if they needed it I would 100% support them but outside of getting free rent from us they are able to support their family financially). So what aren’t you condoning?

teresajs wrote:

It's somewhat inappropriate for Jessa to be asking you about money, especially just a few weeks after the engagement. Talk to your son, not his fiancee about any funds you're going to offer.

A couple in their 30s should be prepared to pay for most of the wedding expenses themselves. You don't have any obligation to host a rehearsal dinner, but if you do, as host, you get to choose the location, menu and other plans for the gathering.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Thanks for all of your advice on my last post. As I mentioned.. I want to be a good MIL. I remember when my boys were young and we'd watch Everybody Loves Raymond and saying I would never be a Marie.

I mentioned our political differences to be upfront, I know it's a bias but it's not the main reason I dislike Jessa, just one of them. I get that I would be the asshole do not pay for their rehearsal dinner. A few of you gave me the advice to just let my kids work it out, and some of you said to talk to Luis one on one, so I invited him to lunch yesterday.

Before that I had texted the two of them back saying that we'd love to plan them a rehearsal dinner and to let us know if they had any ideas, and Jessa sent us a contract for a place with an $11k minimum. We have about $10k saved up for each of our kids for their weddings/ first homes/ honeymoons.

Before you ask, we spent about $750 on Lucy and Jaime's entire wedding (much cheaper when all their friends don't drink!). And I didn't want him to feel like I was only taking him to lunch to talk about the wedding so we did talk about quite a few other things before I asked him how the wedding planning was going. He kind of shrugged like 'you know how it is' so i asked if i could help in any way.

He declined, and thanked me for helping with the rehearsal dinner. I told him the cost was more than we were planning but we are happy to do so for family. (Edit: sorry to spell it out he acknowledged that Lucy would be invited to all wedding festivities) He got kind of flustered ant that and just started laying into me about how angry he was at Jaime.

I told some of you but originally Jaime was supposed to be best man. He and Luis were always so close, when Jaime had first moved out of our house a few years ago he would call Luis every single day and they’d talk forever, same thing when Luis moved out last year. I knew after a blow up Jaime stepped down as best man but I did not realize they were this angry with each other.

I have never heard Luis talk about anyone much less Jaime this way, he called him an asshole (!) and was like he needs to grow up, stop being so controlling and get over himself, and said that Jaime just didn’t want to see him happy. There were other insinuations that I feel were incredibly unfair and untrue, but I let him get out his issues.

I know you all think I’m so overbearing but I had NOT realized their relationship had gotten so bad. I listened to his airing of grievances for a while and honestly I didn’t push back much it was so shocking. And later when I told Jaime I had gotten lunch with Luis he was just like oh cool like nothing was going on.

We’re just not a family that has these kind of dramas. I told my husband I just thought I should let the boys work it out among themselves, he said we’ll see. So not a great update, I have no idea how this is supposed to play out or what I should do if anything. The wedding is in October since they got a good deal on a cancellation.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Ok_Distribution_2603 wrote:

Regardless of the issues we had in the previous post, $11K (assuming we’re talking US Dollars) for a rehearsal dinner is an outrageous request. I hope everyone can work out their differences, of course, but I think wherever you are you’d hear my laughter if someone asked me to pay $11,000 for a rehearsal dinner.

I’d be at maybe $3K and that’s still over the average cost of a rehearsal dinner. It doesn’t matter the politics or whether you like them, someone with the gall to ask for an $11,000 rehearsal dinner gets a quick “hell no, try again.”

ProfessorDistinct835 wrote:

I'm still stuck on the fact that Jessa said that the wedding wouldn't be fun for Lucy because she couldn't drink like everyone else when her soon-to-be husband had to go to rehab and is 9 years sober. I'd be more worried about that than any of the other nonsense.

OP responded:

I think we aren’t as concerned about that because we all saw it as an excuse and not a real reason tbh.

Useful-Commision76 wrote:

Does son know (and by extension his fiancée) that 10K is the total amount you have to offer for wedding/honeymoon/house down payment and there will be no more money coming to them from you after that is all gone.

Some families continue to contribute to fund home renovations and private school tuition and ballet lessons or sports camps for the offspring of this union. Son’s fiancee needs to know that you are not that kind of wealthy family.

OP responded:

I mean that was just the amount we came up with years ago. We have more than that. But we won’t be paying towards private schools. We do pay for letties swim lessons though. I don’t know. We like helping our kids.

mpurdey12 wrote:

So, did Jaime and Luis fight over the fact that Jessa doesn't want to invite Jaime's wife to their reception?

If Luis did, in fact, ask Jaime to be his best man, then I think it's kinda weird that he wouldn't insist that Lucy be invited to the reception.

OP responded:

I don’t know exactly what the fight was that made him step down. They’ve had a few arguments but I thought they were mostly work s out. Lucy is invited to all wedding festivities at this point.

ILovePo1 wrote:

I think your desire to not be a Monster-in-Law is making you kind of a doormat here. $11k for a rehearsal dinner is ridiculous. And is Luis even okay with the apparently open bar that’s going to be at the wedding? The guests would understand if it has to be dry. It seems majorly inconsiderate to have a full blown alcohol wedding when the groom is in recovery.

Since no one else will, I’ll say it. Jessa sounds like a spoiled and hateful loser, and I wouldn’t want anything to do with her. If you’re insistent on giving Luis money and keeping the distribution equal, write him a check for $10k on the dot, nothing more. Then it’s their problem to budget it.

One week later, OP shared another update.

Please be kind to me, I know that I have not been a perfect mother or mother-in-law and I know these issues aren't mine to fight, but my family is falling apart. Last weekend my son Jaime and his wife Lucy went out of town for a concert. My husband and I stayed home and had Lettie and we had a great time (although they probably facetimed us every two hours all day Saturday!).

Saturday evening Luis and Jessa invited us out to dinner, we told them we could go somewhere but would need to be home by 8 for Lettie to go to bed or they could come to our place and we could get take out and hang out here!

I assumed they wanted to talk about the rehearsal dinner. They didn't respond until after I got home from church and my son just texted me and said "we were thinking somewhere nicer, never mind." Kind of odd, but whatever.

Everyone got home safety but Jessa and Luis skipped our Sunday dinner the next day. Then a few days ago, I was home with Lucy and Lettie, and Luis came over with Jessa to pick up the ring. Luis has this thing with Lettie where he'll walk in and say "ring ring!" and she'll yell "hello!" and then he picks her up and gives her hugs and kisses.

But he came in and was just ignoring her so she ran up with her arms out and yelled "HELLO!" and he just walked past her! He got what he needed and they left but I was appalled! I asked Lucy if we should tell Jaime and she just said that we probably shouldn't - but how are you going to be rude to your niece (she's also his GODDAUGHTER) just because you're mad at her dad?

But that brings us to yesterday. I was out grocery shopping. Apparently keep in mind I was not there Luis came over to bring something to my husband, who was outside/ in the garage with Jaime and Lettie. Luis and Jaime got into an altercation that became physical. My husband says that Luis instigated the physical fight, but he's not sure of the rest since his only goal was to get Lettie inside.

When he got back outside it seemed over and nobody was hurt but they were still yelling at one another. My husband told Luis to leave and when he did had Jaime go downstairs to cool down. I asked him what even started the fight?! He said he isn't even sure, everything escalated so quickly and I have never seen him so shaken in so long!

We don't know how we're going forward, but I finally agree with you all. This is Jaime and Luis' issue to work out, I can't blame myself and I certainly can't fix it myself. My husband and I told Luis he was no longer welcome at our home, and he lashed out at us, telling us we were taking his side and I told him listen, he attacked his brother in front of his child, they both deserve to live somewhere they feel safe!

The other thing is that Luis works for my husband, and he's well within his rights to make him do a dr*g test. As for the wedding, I have no idea what to do. My husband says we should just give them the money we promised them and be done with it. That breaks my heart but it might be the only way.

Jaime just has told me a few times we just need to get through the wedding and maybe things will work themselves out. I don't know if he means that to be honest. I'm just so sick, I wish there was something I can do. I am trying to set up some time to spend with my middle son, Cyril, I feel bad that he's in the middle of all of this too and don't want him to think I've forgotten about him.

The internet did not hold back.

twilightswimmer wrote:

I don’t get why OP is being so passive. Go out with Luis and ask him what the hell is going on. Ask the youngest. Everyone probably has a valid gripe and everyone has acted an ass. Jesus don’t just wrong your hands and say my family is falling apart. Do something. Show Luis some one on one time. Talk to your kids. Maybe it can be worked out.

OP responded:

I went out with Luis over a week ago and he didn’t expand on anything.

its_a_mad_world wrote:

Jess obviously has a problem with one of them (Jaime or Lucy, or both). She has complained enough that Luis is on her side, and my bet is that Jaime stood up for Lucy. Given the brief political synopsis, I’d start there.

Regardless, 8 days later, a physical confrontation at your home between two of your sons, in front of your grandchild, Jamie and his family live with you; and you haven’t demanded to know what’s going on? YTA the minute they fought in front of your grandchild, and your only action was to ban Luis.

OP responded:

We did ban him from our home.

WelshWickedWitch wrote:

Quite honesty, if I had this happen in and around my home, even if it involved my adult kids?! I would be having a fit and demanding to know what happened and what was going on. Time to go strict, nuclear parent on them. After all one lives under your roof, the other wants ££ off you for their wedding.

Leverage it if necessary, because things are escalating and while I want to ensure a safe environment for my minor grandchild I wouldn't be necessarily banning one of my sons without understanding why he is being argumentative, aggressive along with ignoring his niece.

That is something I would be communicating clearly to both. "Son I need to understand what x has done. It is unlike you to be violent, so I know you are upset and I want to see if it's possible I can help to fix things. Or I can listen. It would be helpful for me to understand because it's important to me to support you where possible."

unepetitveggie wrote:

Look, the fact you've not sat your sons down and asked them to explain the fights does make you the AH. None of us can advise, or help, until you understand what is happening. Two kids fighting is normal, two adult men fighting in front of a child is ab#se.

Forget the wedding, forget the fiance, focus on the fact your mid 30s son feels comfortable ATTACKING another person. That isn't okay or normal and in case you're wondering, no, you shouldn't give him 10k after he attacks your younger son in front of a minor.

He has forfeit his right to any help with his wedding.

Edit to add: What do you want to each Lettie about this incident? What do you want your sons to learn? That you accept and allow physical violence?

OP responded:

We have banned Luis from our home. I can’t force either of them to tell me what their fight is about, and Jaime has been mostly in his room or not very talkative since the fight. My husband is seriously considering sending Luis for a drug test first thing Monday morning. It’s breaking our hearts.