'AITA for wearing my MIL’s old wedding dress instead of my own mother's?'
"AITA for wearing my MIL’s old wedding dress instead of my own mother's?"
I (28F), am getting married to my fiancé (29M), in March. When we first got engaged, my fiancé and I decided that we would pay for the wedding completely.
Since I wanted to save some money, I decided to wear a second hand wedding dress. I was having a lot of trouble finding a wedding dress that I wanted to wear in my price range, so I decided to wear my mother's old wedding dress. On a phone call, my fiancé mentioned to his mother that I had struggled to find a dress, she suggested that I take a look at her old one.
I didn't take the suggestion seriously at first but decided that I should take a look anyways. The dress was absolutely gorgeous. My fiancés family has a significant amount of money, and the dress perfectly fits the whole "old money wedding" aesthetic, it's also excellent quality and was probably very expensive to buy.
My future MIL insisted I take the dress for free since she's never going to use it again. I was ecstatic and immediately called my mom to share the good news. I expected her to be happy that I had found a beautiful dress while also saving money.
Instead, she was furious. She feels insulted that I chose my future MIL’s dress over hers and accused me of using her dress as a “backup” until I found something better. She’s upset that I would allow my MIL to provide such a sentimental and important item, rather than having it come from her.
It was never my intention to offend my mother in any way I simply fell in love with my future MIL’s dress. My dad thinks it would make everyone's lives easier if I simply apologize to my mom and wear her dress. I'm also now worried that my mother may try to retaliate in some way, and I certainly don't want to ruin the friendship that she has with my future MIL. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
89Rae wrote:
So I decided to wear my mother's old wedding dress. My fiancés family has a significant amount of money, and the dress perfectly fits the whole "old money wedding" aesthetic, it's also excellent quality and was probably very expensive to buy..."
"I was ecstatic and immediately called my mom to share the good news..."
You might not have intended to be an AH but you show 0 emotional intelligence. Calling her ecstatic that you are discarding wearing her dress in favor of your wealthy MIL's dress. YTA.
scrollgirl24 wrote:
Oof, that's a rough one. NAH. MIL is allowed to offer, you're allowed to accept, your mom's feelings are allowed to be hurt. Keep in mind that wearing your mom's wedding dress is often more about honoring her than liking the look of the dress.
I don't blame you for picking the pretty one at all! But try to understand why your mom's feeling slighted. Is there another way you could honor her? Wearing her veil, having her do a reading at the ceremony, something like that?
Pristine-Rhubarb7294 wrote:
NAH, you can wear what you want to your wedding but you shouldn’t have told your mom you were going to wear her dress if you weren’t committed, which was likely an emotional moment for her.
Changing your mind probably hurt her feelings, especially if you framed it the way you do in this post “I don’t want your dress anymore mom, I found a beautiful, gorgeous, more expensive one from MIL instead.”
BalloonHero492 wrote:
NTA but maybe you didn’t handle situation in the most sensitive way. Your mom was probably thrilled that you wanted to wear her dress, and then when you chose someone else’s over hers, that probably felt like a major rejection to her. Even if that’s not how you meant to make her feel.
04243G wrote:
At the end of the day you should wear the dress you want to wear but I find your behavior to be pretty tactless and kind of tacky. I get your rich MIL has a dress you like more but your mom thought she was having a beautiful moment with you.
She was sharing something sentimental with you and probably thought this was a real bonding moment and you kind of spit on it…basically showed her with your actions that her dress wasn’t good enough for you. It probably makes her concerned for how often uh the future you’ll favor whatever your rich mother in law can provide rather than what she can do for you.
ItsAWitchThing1 wrote:
NAH. At the end of the day it’s your wedding and you should wear the dress you want to wear and you feel prettiest in.
But I also see your mums POV where it could be hurtful to not wear her dress, like your turning your back on your family in favour of your fiancé’s, or that you think your MIL is better than your mum. Not saying you do think that, but I can see how your mum might have taken it that way. Wearing an heirloom dress means something.
hadMcDofordinner wrote:
YTA. You were insensitive. If you had already told your mother that her old dress was the one, you should have been aware that now changing your mind, especially for your MIL's dress, would/could cause her a bit of hurt.
It's as if you had no concept that there was any sentiment attached to your mother's dress, her WEDDING dress. :0 What's done is done. Either simply explain to your MIL that you appreciate her offer but your mother's dress will be the one or wear MIL's dress and see how that goes. LOL.
witx wrote:
NTA. I can understand your mom’s feelings being hurt. Every bride saves their dress with the thought of a future daughter wearing it one day. You decided to wear it which made her happy then it got bumped for the MIL’s dress. That would’ve made me feel disappointed too. But not mad and not retaliatory. Does your mom commonly retaliate? That’s kind of an alarming trait.