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'AITA for not attending the wedding of my cousin and my ex-boyfriend?' + Update

'AITA for not attending the wedding of my cousin and my ex-boyfriend?' + Update


"AITA for not attending the wedding of my cousin and my ex-boyfriend?"


I (32F) was engaged to marry “Travis” (33M). But a couple of weeks before the wedding was supposed to take place, he said that he didn’t want to get married. I asked him if he was cheating and he said no.

He told me that most of his friends were already marrying or starting families, so he thought it was time to settle down, but he had just realized that he didn’t want to do it. Suffice to say, the wedding was cancelled and that was the end of our relationship.

It's been about a year since that happened. Things haven’t been exactly great, but I’ve managed. Well, some days ago, I received an invitation to the wedding of my cousin “Taylor” (26F).

Imagine my surprise when I read it and saw that my ex-fiance was the groom. I had only seen them barely interact during family meetings. I hadn’t noticed any clue that pointed to anything happening between the two of them all this time. Some info about my cousin. She’s what some people would call a “free spirit”. She doesn’t have a conventional job, she works as an artist.

She dyes her hair in unusual colors (sometimes blue, sometimes green, for example) and dresses extravagantly (once she wore a white robe, another time she wore a black leather jacket and spiked boots). She says that she doesn’t like following society’s rules, and that she only follows her own code.

Immediately, I called my parents.

I asked them if they had known something about Taylor’s relationship with Travis.

To summarize, yes, they did, they hadn’t intended on telling me because they figured out there would be no positive outcome to it, but they also made it clear that they expected me to come to the wedding anyway in order to show support to my family.

At this point I lost it, and shouted that they were delusional if they believed that I would go to the wedding of my cheating liar ex and his manic pixie dream girl. They said that I can’t keep holding on to my hatred and resentment forever, and that I need to let go, but I hang up.

My extended family has been blowing up my phone since then, saying that I’m a bad person if I don’t attend. Right now I feel so confused, betrayed and disappointed. I’m no longer sure if I’m being irrational or not. So I think it might be best to ask for an outside point of view. AITA?


To clear up some questions, the main reason I doubted was because my family is tight-knit and traditional, and my parents raised me to believe that family comes before everything else. But y'all helped me realize that my feelings are valid. Thank you, everyone!

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:


NTA your family is being ridiculous. They should have told you that your ex-fiance was involved with your cousin, especially when they got engaged, and they're out of line expecting you to show up and smile because "family". Family goes both ways - you're family too, and they should have told you what was happening.

I would make it clear that you are not holding onto "anger and resentment", you have moved on, and wouldn't have wanted to be married to a guy who would do that anyway (whether you feel that way or not, or are still angry or not, don't let them paint you that way). But you won't be attending the wedding, and it's inappropriate for anyone to ask you to do so.


NTA. Tell your family that maybe if they'd been honest with you, you could have processed this and gotten over it. But since they withheld this information from you and it got sprung on you like this, you feel perfectly entitled to take the time you deserve.

Time to process and get over the shock and horror of not only being lied to by your ex, but also being treated this way by your less-than-supportive family. But do it calmly.


NTA. I don't understand why your family would expect you to be fine with this - they've all had however many months to get used to the idea, but you find out this way and are expected to suddenly accept it. Obviously this is going to sting; they should have been honest with you earlier so that you would be able process the situation.

No one is entitled to your time, or your presence at their events. That said, I think you should have a conversation with your cousin to better understand the details of the situation, as you are getting your info second-hand.

Don't blow up at her or blame her - set aside your assumptions, steel yourself, listen to her perspective, and then decide how your relationship with her will need to change based on a more complete understanding and not your own biases/assumptions about their relationship.

Also, don't be surprised if she's pregnant - the timeline of their relationship is short, and it's entirely possibly your family is trying to fast-track your acceptance because there's a baby on the way.


NTA. Obviously you don’t have to go to your ex’s wedding to a family member and your parents and everyone else suck not only for expecting you to, but also for hiding their relationship. Your reaction to that was very appropriate. The way you describe your cousin though drips with elitist resentment. Like you’re describing what would have been a fairly tame alt-fashion style 20 years ago.

When you talk about her in public do you glance around before whispering to your friends that she “dyes her hair unnatural colors” to make sure no one hears you, lest it cause a scandal? Did you put your hand to your forehead and faint when you saw her leather jacket and spiked boots?


NTA - Your family is whack. Sending you an invite is a slap in the face. A year ago you were steps away from marrying this guy. Then in a fingersnap you found out that he was cheating on you....with your cousin....and he's marrying her.

You are not hateful and your parents are AH's are for supporting the cousin over their daughter and putting "appearances" over your heartbreak and betrayal. I'm so sorry, OP. I hope you don't go and instead take time to heal and process this. Hugs.

Six days later, the OP returned with an update.

"UPDATE: AITA for not attending the wedding of my cousin and my ex-boyfriend?"


Hi, it’s me again. Thanks to everyone who commented in my first post. Some people asked for an update, and here you have it. I’ve read all of your comments. And I’ve got to say, the ones who gave me tips on how to be petty made me laugh.

But after thinking about it I decided to simply not attend the wedding. I’ll also be distancing myself from my parents and extended family, at least for a while for the former, indefinitely for the latter.

I also told my friends about the whole situation. And they were even more pissed off than some of you! I told them about the suggestion that some commenters made about going on vacation during the week of the wedding, and we’ve already started making plans.

Something else happened in the last few days. I received a call from Travis. He asked me if we could meet and talk. I know it was probably stupid of me, but I accepted. We met in a public place, and I told him I wanted to know exactly what was going on between him and Taylor. This is what he told me:

First, he made sure to emphasize that he had never cheated on me. Not sure if I believe him, but I let him talk. He told me that he too felt bad about our relationship’s end, that on a night out he just happened to end up in the same place as my cousin.

They started talking, one thing led to another and he proceeded to have a middle age crisis with her. The only reason he’s getting married to her is because she’s pregnant, and he was afraid that she would just run away and he’d never get to meet his child.

After that talk, we went our separate ways. He wished me good luck, and I said the same.

As soon as I came back home, I blocked his number.

So at the end of the day, I’m left with more questions than answers. But whatevs, that’s no longer my problem. Anyway, this is it. I don’t think I’ll be posting in this account again. Once again, thank you for your support when I needed it.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:


Still NTA...and good for you for taking the classy but dignified route. I also would suspect he cheated. The fact that he'd you tell it's a midlife crisis thing and he's only marrying her because she's pregnant makes him seem even more unsavoury. Bullet dodged. Best wishes.


A middle age crisis at 33? That led him to get a 26 year old pregnant? And all the family including your parents, knew they were having some sort of relationship? OP, congratulations on having that guy out of your life and your future.


"They said that I can’t keep holding on to my hatred and resentment forever, and that I need to let go, but I hang up."

Maybe OP can’t hold onto it forever, but she learned about it that day. For fuck’s sake, let her be mad for a minute.


No kidding right? She can’t pine away for her ex forever. Grief technically has no timeline but there is a point where it can become inappropriate. Which I do get. But this is a brand new grief to a whole new situation.

I can’t believe how insensitive her parents and the rest of family are being. Does the cousin even care? Why does OP need to be there? Even if the cousin supposedly cares, why do the cousin’s feelings supersede OP’s?!

On top of that, I would be furious that the entire family knew - including my parents - and NO ONE TOLD ME. A little warning might be nice. If everyone “knew” nothing good would come of me knowing about this, then why let me find out like this, AND demand I attend? Their logic makes zero sense.


Who are these people that blow up phones. I’m genuinely sure it does happen but if someone told me “Sally won’t go to Susan’s wedding because Susan’s marrying Sally’s ex” I’m not gonna blow up her phone. I’ll reach out the normal amount I already did or just say “hey heard you ain’t goin to the wedding, makes sense why. Hope you’re doing well” who are these crazies??

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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