'AITA if I book my wedding venue despite my brother claiming the same date for his wedding?'

"WIBTA if I booked my wedding venue despite my brother claiming the same date?"

Yes, I know, the title sounds awful but it's a long story so please read all the context. I (25F) recently got engaged to my partner of six years, and we’re planning a wedding for next fall. I’m a bit of a goth and have always wanted a celestial, spooky October vibe for my big day, and this felt perfect. However, my brother (26M) is making things difficult.

For background, my brother has a history of addiction, legal trouble, and financial instability. He’s also been the center of attention in my family for as long as I can remember, due to these issues, and often overshadows my milestones/problems.

A couple of examples include: he crashed his car when I graduated from my postgrad, revealed a debt of 10k at my master’s grad, and went missing for two weeks when I was hospitalised for my mental health (drug bender). I love him, but his behavior has always been hard to deal with, and I’m tired of making excuses for him.

My brother is currently dating a significantly older woman (43F) with three kids (the oldest of whom is 21). They’ve been together five months, and while I’ve been supportive, the relationship is unstable, and his complaints about her and her kids are constant.

About a month ago, my brother asked when my wedding would be. When I mentioned next fall, he claimed that he and his girlfriend were planning to get married then too and even gave me a specific date. I was shocked since they aren’t even engaged.

When I asked if they could hold off a bit, he insulted my relationship (saying it doesn't take him six years to know he wants to marry someone), called me insecure, and told me to “get over myself.” I’ve not spoken to him since. My dad tried to mediate and told him to apologize and sort things out with me, but it’s been almost a month, and I’ve heard nothing.

I’ve since found the perfect venue that fits my wedding vision, but I’m hesitant to book it. My brother’s relationship is unstable, and it’s unlikely they’ll even make it to next year, let alone actually get married.

She’s also still married and needs a divorce before they could wed. I'm sick of having to live my life by his rules. Still, I don’t want to cause more drama. Would I be the a$$hole if I booked the venue for that month without consulting him first?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

pottersquash said:

NTA. First one to actually book something, actually put a deposit down, actually send out a save the date owns the date. Not the month, not the season, the year, just that date. One of you would be AH to book same date after recieving confirmation of something more than an idea y'all just going back and forth for.

Y'all should be able to have a convo about possible events years in future without having it go to insults and needing a mediator, but clearly y'all can not so its a lost to me why y'all are even having these convos with each other. Its like your giving him pre-notice on when to ruin things. First one to do a save the date which shouldn't happen till someone puts deposit down on a venue.

OP responded:

Yep, I think I have a history of backing down from conflict with my brother and I'm sick of doing that so I think it's best if I just keep doing what I'm doing and he can deal with it. My friends have encouraged me not to tell him any details about it until completely necessary so, as you pointed out, I'm not giving him pre-notice to ruin anything for me.

MurnSwag2 said:

NTA - Nobody gets to claim a date almost 2 years out when they're not even engaged. Book the venue, don't invite brother to the wedding. Solved.

MeInSC40 said:

You said he gave you a specific date. Was it YOUR date?

OP responded:

I didn't have a date, but when he asked I said that I wanted to get married next October. He said I couldn't do it then because he was getting married on * insert specific date * in that month. As of right now, he has not booked anything.

Pair_of_Pearls said:

NTA. Lock it down!! Don't tell him until he gets a save the date like every one else. That is IF you invite him at all.

OP responded:

Very doubtful atm! I think this situation has made me realise a lot about him and my life with him.

PdxPhoenixActual said:

Why would you need to consult him? You aren't marrying him... I wouldn't think of him again. Live your life as you want, do the things you want when you want. Let whatever drama he chooses to live with him ... & those who chose to involve themselves with it... just make it known "MY wedding or HIS drama" people cannot do both.

OP responded:

I love that expression. Will definitely be borrowing that, thank you.

DanaMarie75038 said:

NTA. Why does your brother have so much hold on you? Live your life and make decisions based on your needs and wants. If there’s anyone who has a say on wedding or your life, that would be your fiancé not your brother.

And OP responded:

I know, thank you. His hold on me is something I've been exploring in therapy recently. He is a very unstable and self-destructive person and I think I just worry about him a lot. But then I moved to the other side of the country to get away from him and his toxic behaviour. There's a lot of confusion and guilt there. Apparently it's manifesting through this!

In the comments, she added:

My fiancé is also hurt by the situation, particularly the insults my brother said about our relationship. Furthermore, and in my opinion, the straw that broke fiancé's back, is that my brother also ruined our engagement gift from my dad.

He had bought some tickets for us to see a band we like which apparently were quite expensive and were supposed to be a surprise. My brother told me and played innocent "Oooops!! That was supposed to be an engagement present! Oh well."

My fiancé is a very chill person - I mean, he'd have to be to keep up with my family drama and still want to marry into it! He'd usually vote to keep the peace but he's over it now too. He's always been very kind to my brother but brother turned it round and made a mockery of fiancé and our engagement. He's in the same frame of mind as me, thankfully.

Thoughts?