Bride tells stepdad; 'No, you DON'T have a special role in my wedding.' AITA?

When this bride is annoyed with her stepdad, she asks the internet:

"AITA for telling my current stepdad he doesn't have a special role in my wedding?"

My current stepdad has been in my (27f) life since I was 10. This is when my mom married him. I never knew my bio father. But the man I call my dad was my first stepdad technically.

He actually adopted me when I was 5. We met when I was only 6 months old and he died when I was 8. And to me he has always been my dad. Not the bio who didn't want to raise me and not my current stepdad.

This was always a point of contention with my current stepdad. He wanted me to accept him as the new dad in my life and the fact dad wasn't my bio dad was the biggest reason why he felt like it should be no big deal.

But I was protective of dad's memory and the fact that blood wasn't what made him my dad. So I never liked how my stepdad acted about it. My mom tried to help but she made it worse.

She acted like dad could be replaced because he died and really made me question whether she truly loved him or whether she saw people as only important while they were alive and once they're gone welp, move onto the next one.

I know spouses and parents are different. But my mom spoke like you just discard the dead.

There was a lot of him chasing a relationship with me that was dad and daughter and him getting mad that I was still bringing up my dad and then I didn't want him to even talk to me.

I didn't want to build up a relationship with him and resented the pressure from both to just accept the new dad. It was a very messy time.

My relationship with them now is more civil. But I don't have too much respect for them and still dislike they handled him coming into my life and the relationship they wanted me to have with him as well as the disregard for my dad.

This all boils over now because I'm getting married and I chose, for my own peace of mind, to not have the normal walk down the aisle or father/daughter dance. He was expecting to be offered those things to be asked to fill in as Father of the Bride.

And he approached me about it which is when I told him I wasn't doing either at my wedding. He then started ranting about what his special role is supposed to be then and I said he didn't have a special role and that neither he or my mom had one.

He said my dad gets one. That dad gets a whole as seat for his photo even though he's dead and that I can't even give him (stepdad) a spot in my wedding after 17 years.

Then he asked if it was about money and whether I wanted him to pay for the wedding. I said no. I want my wedding to be my way. He told me he deserves better. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

owlcard writes:

NTA though I am sympathetic to all parties. I think your stepdad and mom have approached this all wrong, and ultimately landed in a place far from where they wanted to in terms of the 'special relationship' they wanted between you and him.

It was certainly AHish for them over time to act like your dad should or could be replaced, and the 'tantrum' of your stepdad criticizing the very lovely gesture of saving a seat for your dad. You all are in need of a reset... they are actively jealous of someone who has been dead since before your stepdad was even in your life.

As I said, I do have sympathy because it sounds like your stepdad has been a steady, solid presence in your life since childhood and has worked hard to build a relationship with you.

If he was attentive and caring, one would think he would get some 'special' role in your wedding. But you aren't an AH if that's just not the state of things between you. It sounds like your SD and mom have actually done such damage over time, you've been forced to keep them at arm's length.

festagh writes:

A step parent has to walk a fine line. They do need some authority (don’t use those scissors to cut a square of leather from the sofa) but, especially in the beginning, they need to be there and supportive but not oppressively so and certainly not pushy in the relationship with demands to call them mom or dad.

It appears that both your stepfather and mother didn’t understand this (I suspect your mother made a few assumptions based on how you related with her second husband, which was pretty seamless) and instead of a gently gently approach they took larger and larger steps to try to force you.

Most parents don’t actually recognise that their children have their own emotions and think because they themselves have accepted the new partner the child will automatically follow. This is rarely the case.

TBH, your reaction was pretty normal and has led to the fractured relationship you now have. Bearing that in mind, it’s interesting that they’re still trying to push the ’we are a happy family unit’ schtick and expect you to view your SF as a close and fatherly figure. It’s delusional.

If he had truly thought of you as his daughter he (and your mother) would have pushed to contribute something to your wedding (without any expectation of a reward) from something as small as the favours, larger being the dress and even more the venue. They made no offers (I suspect you would have said no, anyway) until your SF threw a sh&t fit, yet again.

Taking into consideration your experiences, I think you are wise beyond your years to close down any attempts a bribery as all that would do would be to give them some ammunition for future arguments when your children come along (good luck with that). Definitely NTA.

sliceequivalent writes:

NTA what a drama queen he is, everything revolves around him. I would tell them if that's the way they feel, no need to come to the wedding. You do not need their drama on your big day.