'AITA for not welcoming my MIL and 10 other guest unannounced for Thanksgiving?' UPDATED

"AITA for not welcoming my MIL & 10 other guest unannounced?"

Our family was scheduled to travel for Thanksgiving and our plans changed. My MIL decided 4 days before Thanksgiving that we should host at our home. Hosting included my MIL, her husband, my step-daughter, and 6 of his nieces and nephews, my BIL and his new girlfriend.

All of these people coming to my home to stay. My BIL (who has 14 kids by various women) lives about 7 hours north of us, while my MIL lives about 5 hours south. When my husband suggested going to her house, she threw one of her usual tantrums & he gave in and said we would host. The plan was for them to arrive on Wed at 12 and depart on Friday morning.

Wednesday, they show up at our house at 9pm. The BIL, & GF didn’t show until this morning, & they brought her kid. My husband was at work, so I spent the day cleaning & trying to keep the house entertained. It became clear as the day continued that they had no intention of leaving. I contacted my husband & explained what was going on & nothing.

Long story short, they’ve now decided to stay until Sunday. (It’s currently Friday night) They’re going out tomorrow, but will be back tomorrow night. I’m upset bc I feel like my husband should have taken control of the situation. He keeps saying things like “so what if it happens once ever few years”, “at worst it’ll be over on Sunday”, “you’re never happy when they come.”

I’ve tried to express myself, but he just keeps saying “this isn’t worth it to me”, it won’t happen again and gaslighting me I feel like. He says he understands my feelings, but he loses either way in this. As he said, this type of visit is never exciting, but I’m always accommodating enough. I was prepared to host until Friday, not for this to turn into the entire weekend.

I want my space, my peace, & my time before jumping back in to the world next week. He says I’ll have all day Sunday, but that shouldn’t be the case. To put icing on the cake, she brought my step daughter (18) up here with the expectation that she’s moving in with us. She recently completed a certificate program in her hometown and they thought she’d have better opportunities here.

We hadn’t discussed this at all but my MIL informed me that they have been working on setting up interviews for the coming week. I don’t mind her coming, but adding an adult to our household without discussion is unacceptable. My husband tried expressing this, but it fell on deaf ears. AITA for asking him to put down some boundaries and stop being a pushover?

TL;DR: My MIL invited herself and ten people to my house for Thanksgiving. They have unexpectedly extended their stay until Sunday, and my husband sees no issue with this. She also brought my step daughter with her to move in with us with no prior discussion.

Edit for clarification: I thought about a hotel but logistically it’s easier for me to manage the kids plans/activities for the weekend from home. I love hosting usually, but I have made a point to not do anything out of my way esp after they decided to stay. I’ve been trying to handle the situation without getting nasty particularly because it’s my MIL.

I know myself well enough to know that emotion will become the driver and I will say things that can’t be taken back. There are also a lot of kids and my kids in the home and I know from past experience, my MIL is not capable of handling things like adults without making a spectacle. As much as I want to lash out, I don’t want them to have a negative experience.

Same with my step daughter. I know she’s only following the lead of her grandmother. My husband has agreed we need to talk to her alone so we can explain things. I am really trying to respect my husband as the leader in our relationship but he isn’t giving me much of a choice.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Hefty-Discussion-588 said:

Stop being the host if your husband wants to host let him clean let him cater to them. You just find reasons to not be home. Hell go get a hotel.

extinct_diplodocus said:

NTA. On the face of it, you have a MIL problem. You really don't. You have a husband problem. MIL couldn't impose like this if husband didn't allow and maybe even encourage it. "He says he understands my feelings, but he loses either way in this."

Not a good excuse. You're supposed to be a team. If he loses either way, he's supposed to choose the way that doesn't make you the victim. I suggest marriage counseling before this becomes an insurmountable problem that leads to divorce.

ExcaliburZSH said:

NTA for being unhappy about a bunch of people coming and staying at your house. Seems like you have a bigger issue with your husband than MIL. His family seems like losers.

cannycandelabra said:

NTA. But it’s unlikely he will change. Put some money aside and next year book yourself in to a BnB until they are gone.

And Successful-Maybe-252 said:

NTA. He cannot be at work and leave you home with HIS family. Of course he doesn’t care, he’s not doing any of the emotional, logistical, or actual labor of hosting them.

Dave1957a said:

NTA you don’t have a family problem you have a husband problem. If he agreed for all his family to be there, then he should also be there to help, not dump it all on you. You need to speak to him about boundaries. What about your family? Next time book a trip to see your parents or family and leave him to deal with his!good luck

And OP replied:

That’s another piece of the puzzle he doesn’t understand. He keeps saying if this were your family & plans changed I wouldn’t care. I’ve tried explaining, I would never put you in this situation and that’s the difference.

I wouldn’t selfishly have my family overstay their welcome if I knew it would inconvenience him at all. I try to be thoughtful about that kind of stuff b/c I don’t want him to ever feel put out especially in his own home.

She has since shared this update on the situation:

my stepdaughter living with us is not the issue in itself. The problem is the communication and how this came about. My SD got her certificate program in a field localized to where they live. (My SD lives with her mother, not my MIL) My MIL had pushed my husband down that path, he didn’t like it, so she shoved it down my SD’s throat.

Her moving in would not be beneficial bc there are not opportunities in her field here. His mom called everyone she knew when she got here to brag about how instrumental she has been in SD’s journey, and how she’s seeing her “off” to the next chapter in her life. There’s no concern or consideration of my SD here. She’s just following along.

My MIL is unhealthily attached to her bc she can manipulate her as the “favorite” grandchild. Also, I said adult b/c an adult child (barely legal or not) comes along with adult bills as well as guidelines. No one said she couldn’t stay, this just isn’t going to be done on MIL’s terms.

We actually want to make sure this isn’t hurting her. She (SD) also needs to learn the importance of communication. It doesn’t matter who, conversations are the first step in making any type of plan, NOT imposing your will on others.

Thoughts??