'AITA if I went to a hotel with my kids because of my MIL's behavior with my daughter?'
"AITA if I went to a hotel with my kids because of my MIL's behavior with my daughter?"
I hope this is the right place to post. I apologize for asking on a short timeline. My husband and I are currently at my in-laws in Houston for the holidays, we live in Atlanta but are here for the holidays to see them. Just a bit of context so my reaction doesn't seem over the top.
My MIL always wanted a grandson, she used to say she was praying for one early in my pregnancy with my daughter (my husband and I didn't care, we just wanted our baby to be happy and healthy). After we had her, she kept pushing for us to have another. My son is 4 months old and my 2-year-old daughter is such a loving big sister to him. My MIL's behavior to them is definitely partial.
From the amount of Christmas presents she gave to the amount of time and love she gives. Now all these things are things that are her effort to distribute as she wishes so I didn't say anything. But today me and her were with my son, while my husband was cuddling with my daughter (they have a really close bond and she's a real daddy's girl).
My MIL snapped at him and said to forget her for a bit and give his attention to my son who needs it. She said it in front of my daughter who suddenly went quite and looked confused and hurt.
My son had two adults with him, he didn't need my husband to turn his attention from my daughter at that time. I said as much, and she said we're spoiling her to the detriment of our son, and that he needs it more and we need to impress on my daughter boundaries. Again all in front of her. I lost it, took my son, and my daughter and went to my husband's room (where we're staying).
A few minutes later, my husband came up, apologized for his mom, hugged our daughter and said granny was having a bad day but she loves you so much don't take it to heart blah blah. I told him I'm seriously considering just booking a hotel for the rest of the time we're here (till Saturday). He told me that would make things worse, that he'll talk to her and fix this, so he went downstairs again.
But I'm still considering just going. Would that be an impulsive thing and AHish thing to do? Thanks.
Adding this now: he told me he impressed upon her that what she said and did would distance us from her and that things will go smoother. He said that me leaving with the kids would make our daughter feel like she caused it which wouldn't be right. I asked him what exactly she said. He said she understood what he was saying but I asked him exactly what SHE said, and he just seemed evasive.
Honestly I'd much rather go back to Atlanta than stay in Houston at a hotel, I'll have to check how that could be done. He was asking me to bring us all back down, I said I wasn't ready but he has taken our daughter out with him to make her feel better.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Mrsflyingpanda wrote:
NTA. What if you were not there to witness. What will your husband do? Also, I feel like this kind of treatment will just get worse as your kids gets older (unless MIl will change). Your son will end up getting treated like a golden child by your MIL.
OP responded:
I hadn't thought of what my daughter might have heard from her in my absence. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. We live far away that there's not that much interaction, but there definitely have been times when I'm not there and its just the two of them. It made me sick to think of.
SpillThatTea2Me wrote:
Absolutely not. He has already started sweeping it under the rug. He told your daughter that his mother didn’t mean it. She absolutely meant it. She has no shame about what she just did. The only way she might stop is if there are consequences right now. Go get that hotel and maybe you can salvage a relationship with her. Maybe.
OP responded:
This is going to sound like weaponized incompetence because I'm a grown woman with kids but I don't want to have to stay in a hotel in Houston for days without him. If I go, I'm going to need him to come with us.
EfficientSociety73 wrote:
Granny wasn’t having a bad day. Granny is an AH. Let’s call a spade a spade here. She doesn’t care about your daughter. She wanted a grandson and now she has one so in her mind, the rest of you are useless extra weight. Do not take those children to see her again. And tell your husband he can either set her straight, or she can be cut off. Period.
She was unnecessarily cruel to your daughter because she’s a boy mom of the worst kind. Granny sucks. She’s a miserable unhappy woman who doesn’t have her baby boy anymore so she’s determined to take over raising yours. This needs to stop NOW. Get those kids out of there asap and again do not go back. Ever.
Snoo-18951 wrote:
NTA. Your husband’s "granny is just having a bad day" comment is a bit of a red flag. It’s a "peace-keeping" move that minimizes your daughter's feelings to avoid a fight with his mother. He needs to realize that by "not making things worse" with his mom, he is making things worse for his daughter.
Alarming_Paper_8357 wrote:
You MIL is a piece of work. Sometimes a direct, "What a crazy thing to say -- they BOTH need love and attention, and that's exactly what they are getting." The spoiling bit -- imagine how frosted she would have been if you had turned to your daughter and said, laughing, "I don't think you're spoiled -- do YOU think you're spoiled, sweetie?
No!! I think Grandma is being silly, don't you?" What your husband said to your daughter was age appropriate, and I'd give him a chance to fix it with your mom, and hopefully drive the point home that he will not tolerate favoritism between the children.
Her actions are unacceptable, and one more comment along those lines means you start packing for the hotel. I don't see how removing yourself and the kids from the situation would make it "worse" -- sounds pretty stressful, already.
Quiet-Application374 wrote:
Get a hotel and next year...stay home.
Mammoth-Suit9357 wrote:
Please keep your babies away from this woman. It will only get worse and it could affect the relationship between the siblings. The sibling relationship is the more important one. It will last long after the grand and parents are gone. Your MIL will destroy their relationship by favoring one and teaching your son he is somehow more important than your daughter.