'WIBTA if I cut off my MIL because of her favoritism and for ignoring/insulting my son?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I went/remained low contact with my MIL because of her favoritism, because she ignored my son when he was telling her about his good news, and because she insulted him?"

I’ve (mid-40s) been going back and forth on whether or not to write this, but I think I might be looking for validation or wondering if I’m being too firm in my boundaries. For a bit of context, I’ve dealt with very toxic people in my earlier years, and I sometimes wonder if the boundaries I put up can be a bit on the excessive side at times.

When I realized I didn’t want these kinds of people taking space in my life and mental health, I’ve distanced myself from many of them. I do often wonder, however, if I’ve over-corrected and am quick to push people out when I feel like they have even minimally crossed the line. That being said, something happened over the summer that I’m still reeling from and thinking a lot about.

Backstory: My children, spouse (also mid-40s) and I visit my in-laws for a short time each summer. The kids have always enjoyed it, and my spouse loves the chance to be around their family of origin. This summer, I had a conversation with my spouse because I have not felt like I was in the mental headspace to deal with extended family in general and was debating on not going on the trip this year.

I have had some health issues over the past couple years, and in the midst of that, there were also a couple deaths of people close to me. What I really felt I needed was just some extended quiet time to really process everything that has happened.

My spouse didn’t pressure me, but they said they would really like me to come on the summer trip, so I did end up going, although I did make it very clear that I didn’t have the mental/emotional bandwidth to deal with a lot of extra stress. This becomes very important later in the story because I’m wondering if my reaction to the later issues was over the top.

While my MIL (we’ll call her Shanna) and I have had some minor conflicts in the past, it seemed that for the last couple of years, she and I had been in a pretty good place. This was one of the deciding factors in going, along with the fact that my children also really wanted me to come.

The only real issue I had over the last couple years was when Shanna would call me, I would attempt to talk to her about my children (her grandchildren that she only gets to really see for a week during the summer), and she had a habit of talking about one of her other grandchildren (we’ll call him Thomas) who lives closer to her. Shanna would even interrupt me as I was attempting to tell her things about my children.

It would get to the point that I would stop talking, let her finish, and then try to politely get off the phone. This was my way of trying to keep the peace without having to stay on the phone and listen to her often long monologues about Thomas. This was a consistent thing, and although it was annoying, I dealt with it as gracefully as I could.

To be honest, it’s gotten to the point where she doesn’t know much about my children because I stop talking when she interrupts, and I don’t attempt to say more during that conversation. My mindset is that if I’m trying to say something about my child and she interrupts, she apparently doesn’t want to hear it and feels what she has to say is more important.

If she loses out on hearing information about her grandchildren as a result, then that’s on her. I was just grateful that my children were not aware of those conversations and her seeming disregard of hearing about them.

Currently: This brings us to our visit one evening at my in-laws’ house, where my youngest child (we’ll call him Isaac-11m) was talking to Shanna about his entrance into the gifted program the following school year. He was ecstatic about having made it into that program and making straight A’s the entire previous school year.

Shanna didn’t acknowledge or respond to what my son was saying, and she instead started talking about Thomas. I stopped her saying, “Shanna, maybe you didn’t hear Isaac (she is hard of hearing), but he was telling you that he made straight A’s last year and got into the gifted program.”

I said it loud enough that I know she heard me (as she’d had no issues hearing me minutes before when we were talking about other things). She gave me what I can only describe as a blank stare, then went on to say something else about Thomas. I stopped her a second time and repeated what I said the first time, and she again gave me a blank stare and continued to talk about Thomas.

Within a couple days of that, my daughter and I went a couple towns over to sightsee while my spouse stayed with the other children and Shanna. When we came back later that afternoon, my spouse was outside near the pool, and I walked into the house to hear Shanna speaking sharply to someone.

I walked into the doorway of the room where Isaac was staying during our trip to see that Shanna was talking to (more like loudly chastising) my son. Shanna was standing with her back to me, and my son was facing her while crying. He saw me and cried harder. I saw red.

Although I don’t remember all the words that were said as she chastised him, she called my son a “slob” and pulled at his arms to get him off of the air mattress he was using as a bed. I finally got over my shock and stepped into the room saying, “Excuse me, ma’am!” Shanna then said something like, “You don’t know what happened, so don’t try to step in.”

I quickly interrupted her and said, “You do NOT get to call my son a slob!” She then told me that my son got in trouble at the pool and had to come inside to get dressed, where he sat in his wet trunks on the air mattress bed. I told her it gave her no right to call my son names. I then went to my son and asked if he was okay, and he said yes.

I told him we would talk in a moment, but that he was damp, so I asked him to get dried, dressed, and we would talk when he got done changing. I then waited for Shanna to leave the room and walked out after her.

She tried to say something in a joking manner, almost like she was trying to gloss over the situation. (To be honest, I don’t remember what she said because I was still seething about what had just occurred.) I said, “Would you have treated Thomas the same way?”

She turned to me and said, “Yes.” I responded with, “Oh really? I would have never guessed that considering every time I try to tell you about any one of my kids, you always have to talk about Thomas.

My son can’t even tell you his good news without having to hear you gloat on and on about Thomas.” By this point, we were about to head outside, and she handed my spouse something she had retrieved from the back room while saying, “I’m going back inside. Your spouse is in the middle of chastising me.”

To be fair, she did come to me and apologized to me later for calling my son a slob, but I’m still feeling angry about it, even though this happened well over a month ago. She never apologized to my son.

She has a small amount of time during the summer to see my children (her grandchildren) that she doesn’t get to see the whole rest of the year, and yet it seems like she is so intent focusing on and talking about Thomas that she can’t seem to hear anything about my children (Isaac especially).

Anyhow, I know this is probably really low on the MIL Richter scale of MILs, but since then, I have avoided talking to her. I have made it very clear to my spouse that if she calls, and if I decide to answer and have to hear a single thing about Thomas, my reaction will probably not be very positive or polite. I don’t want to visit over there anymore for the foreseeable future.

Please know that I have no issues with Thomas himself. He is a wonderful and sweet child. I’m just very uncomfortable and, honestly, upset at the favoritism he is shown by Shanna, especially since it was made blatantly clear right in front of my son.

I guess my question is if I’m being too harsh. While my spouse feels it was wrong for MIL to call our son a slob, my spouse is more of the type to let things roll off their back when it comes to everyone in general, not just Shanna.

It’s further exacerbated by the fact that my spouse has always been of the mind that they are the “black sheep” of the family, so my spouse just kind of accepts that our children won’t be looked on as favorably as the other grandchildren. For clarity, Shanna does not do things for the other grandchildren and leave my children out or anything like that (i.e. treats, outings, etc.)

It’s just the issue of basically ignoring my son when he was trying to tell his grandmother something he was proud about, as well as the way she spoke to him that I have never heard her speak to Thomas (albeit I’m not there the other 51 weeks out of the year, so who knows how she speaks to them when we are not there).

Anyhow, I have blocked Shanna and her family on social media at this point because I’m just trying to get some space and think things through, and I don’t want social media muddying the waters. I have also refrained to speaking to Shanna on the phone or through text because I probably won’t react kindly if she brings up Thomas in our conversation.

I am not planning to go on next year’s trip, but I feel torn because I don’t want Isaac to be put in a position where if Shanna tries that mess again, I’m not there to tell her to back the heck off. I know that my spouse supports whatever decision I make, but when I talk to friends and some of my bio relatives about it, I’m getting the impression that they think I’m cracking down a bit too hard.

(Also, since I wrote this a couple months ago, I should add that Shanna has attempted to call me directly a few times, and I have not answered. She still talks to my spouse, which I have no issue with, as she is my spouse's mother.

The health issues I talked about earlier have gotten more manageable, and I had planned to call and talk to her about what happened last summer, but unfortunately, she now has a family member who is sick and might be taking a bad turn.

For this reason, I have decided to wait until after the holidays to even consider talking to her about this. My decision and the timing will also greatly depend on her family member's situation, as I don't want to make an already difficult time even more so.)

So am I being too harsh here? WIBTA if I went/remained low contact with my MIL because of her favoritism, because she ignored my son when he was telling her about his good news, and because she insulted him?

EDIT: I did talk to Isaac about Shanna again recently, keeping the conversation about him and what he feels. We have talked about it before, but this time, there was something different about the conversation.

I asked if he would like to go to the next summer trip, and he told me that he enjoyed all the things we do over there as a group (I don't want to get too specific about the activities for privacy reasons and because I am still wary of causing family drama by putting this out there on a public forum). He said he still wanted very much to go, and then added some information I was not aware of.

Apparently, later on in the visit, Shanna did apologize to Isaac about what she said. I asked why he hadn't said anything to me about it before, but he basically said he didn't seem to see it as something he needed to talk about.

Even though I thought I had asked him before if she apologized to him about it, I can definitely understand the thought process from an 11-year-old's point of view that an apology conversation would not be something he may not have seen as important to relay to his parents.

Either way, I'm glad she did go to him on her own (according to Isaac, on the same day the issue happened) to apologize, but I still feel like (as one commenter brought up) there are other issues at play.

For instance, with her pulling at his arms, with her thinking she had the right to speak to him the way she did, with her attempting to tell me to stay out of it, and the fact that she seems to dismiss his achievements to me and, especially, to him.

A commenter basically said that I seemed more upset about the wrong thing, which was Shanna's favoritism, especially when she was pulling at my son's arms. Please know that all of it upset and hurt me for my son. One of those things on its own would have upset me, but all of them together was almost overwhelming, which was a big reason why I posted.

As I stated in my original post, not only have I had so much on my plate health-wise and dealing with grief from losing loved ones, I seem to get excessive about boundaries due to extreme past experiences.

I wasn't sure if I was doing the same thing in this case. I'm trying to be much more careful about my need to feel like I should construct a figurative 20-foot-high steel-wall boundary when perhaps only a 5-foot boundary is needed.

I am currently working on a letter to send to Shanna, as her habit of talking over others makes having a verbal conversation with her very challenging. I will be showing it to my spouse to make sure they are fully aware of what Shanna will be receiving.

Since this probably won't be an issue until next summer, I'm going to wait for a bit to send it until the situation with Shanna's ill family member has sorted itself out. Once I do send it, her response will greatly determine any next steps.

What do you think? WIBTA? This is what commenters had to say:

Cuddle_RedBlue0923 said:

No, I don't think you'd be the AH to stay LC or NC with MIL, after the blatant favoritism she has shown to her other grandchildren. Your son will remember this, and not want to have a relationship with her either. Regardless of your heads pace or health issues, your priorities should be your peace, and your children. Good luck.

Moemoe5 said:

No child of mine would be visiting her anymore. Let your husband go and enjoy himself. How is he allowing his children to be treated so poorly? Keep them blocked and move on.

perfectly_peculiar said:

You would not be the AH and you’re not overreacting or being too firm with boundaries. Your child is old enough to recognize, understand, and remember that she ignored him and went in about Thomas; and she SNATCHED him!!!

No, your children do not need to be around that. Ask your husband if he wants his kids feeling like the ‘black sheep’ or ‘less than’; he should want better for them. He should only want them surrounded by family that is going to treat them as equals and love them UNCONDITIONALLY.

And TeachPotential9523 said:

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't let my kids go why put them through that can't you guys go on a vacation that doesn't involve your mother-in-law and if you don't think your kids don't notice the favoritism you're wrong they do

Ten months later, OP shared this update:

To make everything a bit easier to explain, I’m going to section it out.

Overall: At this point, it's safe to say that I'm feeling like I'm moving into a-hole territory.

My own mother may have raised me better, but I've shown way more grace toward Shanna (MIL) over the years than I ever wanted to. Well, to be bluntly honest, I guess you could say that I did my best to be patient in front of her (sometimes I was successful, and sometimes not so much), but I definitely expressed frustration to my husband after various issues would happen over the years.

What has happened since last summer's visit: Since last summer's visit, I had made social media contact with MIL minimal, and I had not spoken to her on the phone since then. I did send her a lengthy text a month before the ILs were due to visit for my older child’s graduation.

My message basically let her know (in so many respectful words) that the way she treated my son last year was unacceptable, and I was trying to let it go, but I would not be able to do so if the behavior continued. She sent me the following text: “I apologize for my actions. Look forward to seeing everyone next month. Love you.”

It felt a little dry and off for some reason, but I decided to take it at face value and let her actions on her next visit prove any changed (or unchanged) behavior.

Plus, at this point, after many years of feeling like I’ve been chipped away at by her with things she has said to me or interrupting me on a consistent basis, plus other things we’ve had to resolve in the past that made me feel completely disrespected (or rather, I stood my ground until she backed off),

I understand that almost anything she could do might be misconstrued by me as anything other than respectful. That is definitely something I’m speaking with my own counselor about.

The only other time we really communicated was through text message before last Christmas, and that was mostly when she was asking what the kids wanted for Christmas. Now this is probably going to come across as juvenile, but she never asked me what I wanted for Christmas, even though at my urging, my husband asked her and her husband what they wanted.

I wasn’t really worried about it at the time, but when we opened gifts on Christmas morning, I noticed that she'd sent (through the mail) all of my children very personalized and loving gifts, and she did the same with my husband. She sent me paper napkins, a napkin holder, and a small compact mirror.

I have never used a compact mirror in front of her (because I don’t use one), and the paper napkins (although they were decorative holiday napkins of various types) felt a bit like a slap in the face. They didn't feel personal, they seemed more like a "household" gift than something bought with me in mind, and it seemed as though I was an afterthought (which, to be fair, I am minimal contact with her, so…).

I really don’t care about getting gifts for Christmas from her, but in comparison with what she would usually send, there was a very noticeable difference, which felt very much like she was trying to say something to me without actually saying it. As I told my husband later, I personally would’ve preferred if she hadn’t sent me a single thing. I'm not what people would refer to as materialistic.

What she sent, however, just felt like she was sending me a message, or like she was attempting to "punish" me for lowering my contact with her. That said, I have every intent on letting her know not to get me a single thing this coming Christmas when she sends the inevitable text asking what people want.

That may be petty and juvenile on my part, but at this point, I’m done trying to understand or guess if she genuinely doesn’t get what she’s doing or if she’s actively trying to be petty.

The graduation: My ILs (including SIL and her children) came for my older son's graduation a few months ago. My MIL and FIL came a week early and stayed in an RV park and would visit when my husband was home from work, then go back to their RV in the evenings to sleep.

I kept a very close eye on MIL when she was around Isaac. However, there were a few times when I had to leave the area (tending to guests during the graduation party or something of that nature), but Isaac said that MIL treated him well and was very kind and nice to him the entire time. So for me, that was a win. Then again, we were in my home.

Ironically, I have never really had to worry about MIL completely misbehaving when she visits us. She might say some questionable/irritating things to me at times and consistently interrupt people in general, but at least in my house, she’s never been disrespectful to my children.

Now that I think about it, any disrespect has only ever really been directed at me. She does interrupt my husband a lot, but he basically has a "that's just how she is" type of mentality about it. I’m not trying to defend her, but she did treat my son with the utmost respect overall, unlike the year before when we were at her house.

However, some people on my side of the family were also here for my older son's graduation, and many of what others consider her “normal behaviors” (i.e. interrupting others, making every conversation about herself or SIL's husband/children) were definitely frustrating.

Plus, I found out after the fact that she also made some rather insulting comments to one of my bio family members (not my children), which really angered me, but it also allowed me to feel some validation that I was not imagining the under-the-radar rude comments she's made to me over the years.

In the case of my family member, the comment was not under the radar, but pretty blunt. During the visit, even before I found out what she said to my family member, I found myself just getting that much more ticked off at her constant interruptions.

At one point during the week, when everyone else had left the house and I was left alone with MIL (something I should know NOT to allow by now), we started talking (or rather, she did most of the talking and cut me off consistently).

After a little bit of general/superficial (mostly one-sided) conversation, she looks up at some of my decorative art (a painting), which I had picked out for personal reasons, and told me she didn’t like it. I hadn't asked for her opinion about it, nor had I mentioned it while we were talking.

(I have found that she will have under-the-radar-type insults about the things I do or feel accomplished at, or she will downright act dismissive over anything having to do with my successes--or health issues, or anything really--so I don't bother volunteering that type of information anymore).

To be honest, with all the health issues I had been through (which included emergency surgery about five months before), the wall art lifted my heart and gave me hope. I had picked it out on purpose because it made me feel happy to see it. I (foolishly) attempted to tell her some of the health issues I was having and got a bit emotional.

As usual, before I could really even finish my sentence, she spoke over me as she normally does, then began talking about her husband’s health issues, and not acknowledging a single thing I had said.

So then I was left listening to and consoling her after again feeling completely shut down, dismissed, and unheard. And when it came to me or any of my biological family members who were also visiting for my older son's graduation, she always found a way to interrupt and twist every conversation around to talk about herself, her experiences, her husband, or her other grandchildren.

So no, she did not do anything directly disrespectfully toward my son during this recent visit, but I had a very clear picture of the fact that she has definite tunnel vision when it comes to the people she clearly feels are more important.

And honestly, after many years of dealing with this, I feel like I am looking for any reason to completely dislike MIL (which really does make me feel like the a-hole here), so I decided it was in my best interest to go back to extreme low contact until such time that I have to be around her (ie: future graduations, etc.).

After the visit and reflections: After the ILs left, I thought about it a bit, and I concluded that if MIL respects my family so little that she can't even allow us to say a single sentence without cutting us off and putting herself on center stage, then she won't get information about us at any other time either.

Seeing as my social media is really her only way to get pictures and updates on my children (her grandchildren), and since my husband doesn't share a lot of personal things (like pictures) on his, I cut her off from seeing my social media, making it much harder for her to stay updated. When she sent a request to reconnect upon noticing my absence, I simply ignored it.

I know I have my faults too. I own the fact that in conversations, I might get excited about something and say something in my excitement (or in fear that I might forget it in the next moment--thank you ADHD brain), but I will backtrack, acknowledge that I interrupted, and ask them to continue what they were saying.

I understand that when two (or more) people are talking, listening to others is a massive and integral part of any conversation. From MIL, there is none of that. She cuts people off and does not acknowledge, validate, or comprehend that words were coming from anyone else's mouth while she monologues like she's the only one who has the right to speak.

As soon as she pauses and someone opens their mouth to speak, they're lucky to get half a sentence out of their mouth before she cuts them off and does it all over again. It's like no one else's words matter. (Sorry for going on about this, but it is so frustrating.)

Also, to be fair to my husband (as I understand you are only getting one perspective on this), over the past decade, I've been much faster to boot people from my life who I feel are toxic (i.e. manipulative, emotionally hurtful, exploitative, etc.), and I know that I'm faster to pick up on what I feel are red flags and confront the problem/person head on.

It's just taken me longer to finally push back with MIL because I wanted to believe that the things she did weren't intentional or that she doesn't understand that her behaviors are causing conflict. However, after seeing her behavior toward my son when she thought no one was watching, that was the very last straw for me, even though she did apologize for it after.

I guess I feel like there's so much more she hasn't apologized for. But over the last decade or so, husband has watched my circle of trusted people get much smaller because after dropping the most destructive toxic person out of my life, I keep my guard up and am hyper vigilant about red flags.

My people-pleasing nature has pretty much been tossed away, and I am now quick to drop other people from my life as soon as I see any kind of warning signs. So I can see how my husband might think I'm extremely sensitized to questionable behaviors from others and am ready to push people away when even a slightly pink flag pops into sight.

When it comes to my husband, past experiences in his life (particularly dealing with loss and regret at a young age) will simply not allow him to stand up to MIL (for himself or anyone); however, he has said that he won’t stop me from standing up to her, and he accepts my extremely low contact with her. I have made it very clear at this point that I want very minimal contact.

When it comes to any future family visits and going out of town to see them, all of my children will be at an age where they can decide for themselves if they want to go (or stay behind with me). Isaac, my son, has come into his own, and he has become very loud in his opinions.

He’s certainly not afraid to make very clear what he likes and does not like, so I have no qualms about my husband taking my children on those trips if that’s what they choose.

My husband and I did talk about all of this quite a bit after the original summer trip, and I remember that in one slightly heated conversation, he said something to the effect of, "We can't keep our children away from everyone in life who will say something to hurt or disappoint them." I responded with, "Yeah, but MIL should be one of the people in his life loving and building Isaac up, not tearing him down."

The conversation didn't go much further after that, but I do remember one other comment I made, which was something to the effect of, "Well, if MIL wants to make herself the bad guy in her grandson's story, I guess that's on her, and I won't be protecting her image to him because she's 'family.'"

In a more recent conversation, I very bluntly told my husband that I trust him in all ways but one, and that is him having my back when it comes to his mother. He has stood by my side for decades, through all of the health issues I've had, and has been a loving partner in every other way. We don't live near his family, as his job kept us from being in close physical proximity to any of our relatives, and that's what I prefer.

However, in the short visits we have had with her over the years, I don’t trust that he will stand up for me to her. Because of that, I will no longer be putting him in the position of having to protect me from MIL, as I will be severely reducing contact with her and grey-rocking the heck out of her in the small amounts of time when I have to be around her. He did seem upset by what I told him, but it is what it is.

After talking to my counselor, we have figured together that my MIL probably won’t want to take the risk of doing anything else to test the waters of my patience when it comes to my kids (whether I’m there or not, as my kids will say something if she does), as she knows my history with cutting people off if necessary.

I have talked with Isaac, many times, about all of this (without my husband or anyone else present), and I did my best not to lead his answers. As of now, Isaac still very much wants to go see MIL, FIL, and the rest of the family next summer. Surprisingly, he was disappointed we didn't go there this year (he did mention MIL’s pool, and it seems that’s a huge perk, but he does get pool time here as well).

Future plans: As of recently, husband mentioned that he would like to go back to see the ILs, and I stated that he is more than welcome to take himself and the children, and I could take the kids to do something I want to do later that summer. He wasn't a big fan of that (as he can only take one trip during the summer due to work), but I left that to him to figure out.

I don't think he truly realized how serious I was about not going back to visit the ILs anymore until that conversation. He mentioned a future graduation for one of SIL's kids, and I said that more than likely when that happens (within the next few years), I would go for one night (taking my own vehicle), book a hotel room for that night, greyrock the heck out of MIL, then make the drive home.

Then he and the kids can stay however long they want. At this point, after all these years of dealing with MIL's overall chipping away at me, I have finally had enough. However, I still want to show SIL the courtesy of going to her kids’ future graduations because she has done the same for my children.

I have nothing against SIL or Thomas (just MIL’s incessant need to bring his name into every conversation and overshadow my children with her obsession with her favorite grandchild). Overall, I have made it clear to husband that when it comes to this or any other thing like it, I'm matching energy.

I'm done dealing with MIL's under-the-radar comments, constant interruptions and refusal to let anyone else actually talk, and the blatant disrespect for my son last year just tipped the scale out of her favor, so I have most definitely become more of an a-hole as a result when it comes to this situation. I'm just done and ready to dish out the same energy to certain people that they give me.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I would prefer not to get really specific, as I would still like to stay anonymous so as to avoid any potential drama. :-)

Much love to everyone out there, and if you got this far, thanks for reading!