'AITA for thinking my boyfriend is lying about having a wife?' UPDATED
"AITA for thinking my boyfriend is lying about having a wife?"
I (28f) went on a date with a guy (30m). We met up, ate breakfast and hit the road because it’s a long drive. Everything was going good, we were listening to music and just vibing and then he gets a phone call.
He was driving so his phone was connected to the Bluetooth and I can see who was calling. The caller id said “My Wife” and my stomach dropped. We have been dating/talking for 7 months and nothing he did gave any signs of him being married. He didn’t pick up and let it go to voicemail.
My mood instantly shifts and he asks what’s wrong. I told him I saw who called and that he needed to call back them back right now.
He was going on about how it was his brother and I said that’s BS because I saw clear as day that it said “my wife”. He goes on his phone and shows me his recent calls and it says “Big Bro” at the time the call came through.
The thing is is that when the call came through initially and he let it go to voicemail, I was staring at it in disbelief and then I looked away because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It’s possible that he changed the contact name really quick.
I told him again to call the number and he doesn’t show me but he does call someone and I can hear a male voice on the line and we start arguing. He insists he doesn’t have a wife and he doesn’t know how that happened etc.
We get to the spot and I try to put it past me but I can’t let it go. If he had refused to show me his phone at all I would’ve Uber’d home. We end up leaving earlier than planned and he keeps trying to explain himself.
But, honestly, I can’t forget the image of “my wife” calling. I told him I needed some space to think about what had just happened. AITA? Or is this a messed-up prank?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
Why and how would it be a prank? Have you been to his house? Out with his friends? Some people do put sarcastic or nick names for certain people in their contacts, but him switching up the contact name would have most likely taken some effort that you would have noticed if you were still sitting next to him. You were right to take some time to yourself. Trust your gut.
Could it be that he had a missed call from “big bro” just before he picked you up and he erased that call from the log?
I will add to this, as a married man, I have never saved my wife’s contact as “my wife”. My married friends don’t either, it’s either her name or a pet name. I’m not saying it’s not possible, just very odd.
Trust your gut OP. It’s rarely wrong. Of all the phone calls he would ignore it had to be the one for “my wife“. Why didn’t he answer it? If it doesn’t feel right, then do what you need to do that is right for you. Are there other red flags? Have you been to his house? Have you met his friends or family? Do you have information on his socials? Does he have you on his socials?'
If you're 100% confident that you aren't hallucinating and definitely saw "My Wife" then I would go with your gut. If you are pretty sure he had enough time to change the contact to "Big Bro", go with your gut.
Any further proof try to find him on facebook. No luck on facebook? Maybe you know him by a fake name? Search up his phone number and checkout background check websites and see if his name pops up or if you find wife information or anything? I mean the first part is really all you need to know I feel, but if you want to try to get to the bottom of it a little investigating won't hurt.
A month and a half later, the OP returned with an update.
After my post, I listened to my gut and took a step back. I told my ex (?) that I couldn’t look at him the same after that trip and needed space. He kept reaching out with long messages declaring his love but never actually explained how My Wife happened.
I took Reddit’s advice and did some digging. He’s not on social media, but I found him on TruePeopleSearch—turns out he really isn’t married, which I already suspected. I’ve dated enough to know when someone’s hiding something big, and this didn’t feel like that.
So, I called and asked for the truth. He put “Big Bro” on the phone, who tried to claim the car had somehow saved his contacts and that’s why I saw “My Wife” calling. Total BS. When I called it out, BB left the call, and I got into another argument with my ex. I told him I was done and thought that was it. Wrong.
He kept sending long messages, asking to see me, and would keep calling, which I ignored—until he finally said he’d tell me the truth. At that point, that’s all I wanted because I knew what I saw and felt like I was being gaslit. So, I called.
Y’all, it was a test.
There’s no wife. No girlfriend. No significant other.
He admitted to making it up because I had already been pulling away before all this, and he wanted to see if I really cared. He was crying, saying he didn’t mean for it to go this far.
Honestly, I this point felt relieved—I had started to doubt myself, and I was right to trust my instincts. But that didn’t change anything. I ended things again. And, of course, he went right back to the long-winded messages so I blocked him. It’s over. I’m done. Moral of the story: always trust your gut.
To answer some questions:
No, I’ve never been to his house because I only do that if I see something going somewhere.
Make of that what you will. This isn’t the first time he’s “tested” me, so I already had doubts. Yes, I’ve met BB before but we weren’t close. Turns out he was in on it the whole time No, this isn’t fake.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
So his end goal was what? If you stayed even though he had a wife, you were the one? WTF?
Different_Throat_225 (OP)
I honestly don’t know, like who would stay in that situation lol. Maybe he had a girlfriend and got caught, maybe he was priming me for cheating, or maybe he just wanted to get rid of me. No clue. He said it was to see if I cared, as if my reaction would somehow ‘prove’ my feelings for him? It doesn’t make any sense, but it’s giving manipulative and toxic, and I’m over it.
Relationship tests rightfully destroy trust, often irrevocably.
It seems many have not realized this yet.
He relationship tested his way out of OP's life and he only has himself to blame for destroying all of the trust plus any benefit of doubts due to those tests towards OP.
What kind of test was that? That's all kids of messed up. 'I care so much about you, I'm ignoring the fact you have a wife and lied to me?'
'No babe, it was just a test, I lied to you to get a reaction.'
FFS, why are some people so stupid?
There's no way that test wasn't going to backfire on him.