"AITA for what I said about the girl my brother’s seeing?"
I went out for drinks and dinner with my brother (I’m 42m, he’s 34m) who was in town for a few days. While we were catching up, he mentioned he’d met a girl at a bar, hooked up with her, and that they’d been texting for about a week getting to know each other. I told him that was great, wished him luck, said i’m here if he ever wants advice, and we moved on.
Later in the night, after a few drinks, he randomly asked “out of curiosity” how young of a girl I’d ever date or hook up with. I thought it was kind of a weird question out of nowhere, but we were a little drunk so I didn’t think much of it. I said I hadn’t really thought about it before, but I probably wouldn’t date anyone more than 9 or 10 years younger than me.
He pushed a bit and said something like “come on, so you wouldn’t hook up with or date a 21-year-old if you had a ton in common and hit it off?” I kind of laughed and said “hell nah, what would I even have to talk about with someone still in college? 21 is like a kid to me.”
He got weirdly defensive after that. I tried to move on, but he kept pressing the point and it started feeling tense. I finally said it wasn’t that deep and there’s no reason to argue about it. Turns out, the girl he’d mentioned earlier was 21, which explains the question.
He ended the night soon after saying he needed to get some sleep. I texted him the next morning and never got a reply. He went home without calling or texting again before he left town. I didn’t mean to sound harsh or judgmental. If I'd known why he was asking, I probably would’ve handled it differently. But I also stand by what I said, because I was just being honest about my own perspective.
I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. now i’m wondering if I should apologize again or just let it go. Part of me feels like if he got that defensive, it’s because he already kind of knows deep down it’s not a great look. But I don’t want to ruin our relationship over something small either. it’s really not that serious to me, but I’m at a loss about what to do. AITA here??
Here's what people had to say to OP:
SoulSiren_22 wrote:
NTA. He might hit it off with a 21 year old - he seems about as mature as that age if he can't handle someone answering a question he asked without giving context.
OP responded:
His response threw me off because he’s usually a super level headed and chill guy, even when we were younger. I think he knows deep down that he’s wrong for it.
[deleted] wrote:
I would definitely say NTA since you couldn’t have known, but also I agree 21 is young for his age…my parents are 10 years apart but met later on in life so it made more sense where they had matured and had life experience but 21 and in college is super young. Do you know how they met??
OP responded:
He said they met at a restaurant bar he while she was celebrating a friend’s birthday and she ended up going home with him and they exchanged info.
Sneaky_Clepshydra wrote:
NTA. He’s feeling guilty or conflicted and wanted someone to back him up. Now he is redirecting his anger at you when it should be all for him. 21 is half your age. Of course being with someone who has half your life experience isn’t something you would want to do. Give him some time to figure out where he stands in all of this. He’s thinking with his libido right now and the rest of him needs to catch up.
Let him approach you when he is ready. This absolutely shouldn’t ruin your relationship, but you can’t control his choices. If he chooses to continue pursuing this woman, then you guys can have a sober conversation as brothers, but he’s in his feels and pouting that the world is not just cheerfully assisting him in his horny delusions.
EndiexLenon wrote:
NTA. You told him that 21 would be too young for you, and that someone aged 21 is like a kid to you. Which...let's face it, at 42 is dead on. You literally could be that person's parent without having been a teenage parent. Now then...is 21 too young for your brother? Internet rule of thumb (which IMO works fairly well) is to take your age, divide by two, and then add 7.
Anything less than that starts to get into "ick" territory. By that rule of thumb anyone under 28 would be too young for you and anyone under 24 would be too young for your brother. I'd say she's still to young for your brother, but that doesn't change the fact that you weren't talking about your brother at the time.
BothTreacle7534 wrote:
NTA. I think he knows how society sees that kind of age difference, he might have tried to lie to himself, might have hoped you are one of the ones people see as a not good one too, so now he has to really rethink his GF ideas, or put his head into the sand
I think there is nothing you can do for now but give it a bit of time. Maybe go to a family meeting he usually also goes to later on, in case he never reacts, let him know people can have different POVs and still love each other
Try not to involve parents/relatives/…too many of them might be try to be helpful and end to do the opposite, but if your brother tends to run to e.g. ‘mommy’, than maybe do tell it before he spins it, usually the one who tells first gets the support.