"WIBTA if I canceled my husband's birthday party?"
His birthday was last month. His family is obsessed with celebrating birthdays, even though we are all over 30 years old. That’s fine, but you can understand how hard it is to get 10 or more family and friends together for every single birthday when everyone has different work schedules.
When his birthday was approaching, I hadn’t heard anything about plans, but I knew his sister had bought him tons of gifts. So I stepped up and sent out an invite for something my husband actually wanted to do: a barbecue at the beach. It was free, relaxing, and a great chance to enjoy the beautiful weather.
His sister responded, disappointed, and said that she and her family would prefer dinner at a restaurant because they wanted to be indoors with air conditioning. My first thought was that, if you are invited to an event you can’t or don’t want to attend, asking the host to cancel or change the plans entirely is pretty rude.
In an effort to stand our ground, we let them know we were going ahead with the barbecue, but if they wanted to plan a separate birthday dinner, they were welcome to. So, his sister chose this upcoming weekend for a family-style dinner at a nearby restaurant. Great. We adjusted our schedules to accommodate.
As the day approached, my husband reached out to ask what the actual plans were. It turned out she hadn’t done anything. No invites, no reservations, and she hadn’t even looked at the menu to figure out how much it would cost.
The family meals at the restaurant cost $120 each and feed four people. That would cover her family alone. With the rest of us included, we’d need at least two meals to feed everyone. When we talked this over with her, she realized that splitting the cost would still come out to more than $30 per person. That’s when she admitted that they had just paid their bills and couldn’t afford it. No worries. Sorry it didn’t work out.
Except now she’s asking us to plan something else that’s less expensive, because she’s out of ideas. “Can we have the party at your place?” So I get to buy all the food and stress about prepping the apartment to host on short notice? “Wish we could, but our house is a mess while we’re reorganizing.” She’s currently waiting for us to think of another option.
Considering that: We already hosted a birthday party that she didn’t want to go to. Her poor planning would have ended with us footing a $200+ bill. She’s made a series of inconsiderate requests. My husband and I are ready to cancel entirely. Knowing this would break her heart, WIBTA?
People had some suggestions for OP.
Nystagmoid says:
NTA but you don’t need to ‘cancel’ anything because nothing is actually planned. Just let the idea fizzle out.
PAGirl72 says:
Seems strange she wants a party for her brother when he already had one. Seems more about her than him. Tell her “maybe next year” and don’t stress about it. She chose not to come to the beach party, not your problem.
keesouth says:
NTA. You already had his birthday party so there is nothing to cancel. Whatever his sister wants to do is on her. She's somehow made his birthday about her and you don't need to feed into that.
lostalldoubt86 says:
NTA- She had the chance to attend a party and declined. The restaurant was her chance to do her own thing. That was two chances.
NTA The birthday is about what he wants. It would be a little different if there was a medical issue that made her attendance difficult, but that isn't the case. She could just host birthday boy and his household at her place for pizza.
bellabelleell OP responded:
Nobody wants to go to their house for any get-together. Their 3br is home to 10 people, 3 dogs, and 4 cats. It's disgusting.
Problem is: they want to be inside but none of them can drive. So we have to find something indoors that's free and close enough to make transporting 4 extra people convenient. I can't be bothered to accommodate that. Yikes.
I went to your comments to start at the beginning of responses and see that you’re in my hometown. How on earth does her family of four (I assume some of her immediate is children, but also six more people?) live in SD and not drive?!?!
bellabelleell OP responded:
Question of the century! You see, one of them does have a license! But they have a medical condition (undiagnosed) that causes "episodes", which they say prevents them from being able to drive for a period after.
They are able to drive the others around when it's convenient, but inconvenient requests are met with, "sorry, SoNSo had one of their episodes and can't drive today". (99% of the time, I will believe people at their word. But when they give a different excuse to two different family members ["we dont have the gas" and "one of their episodes"], I start asking questions).
Everyone in their family is partially disabled or only partially employed, so they dont leave the house much anyway. They are able to afford a house literally because they are subletting to multiple other people. You bet your ass they're on government assistance, and you'll never guess what color their hats are.
4 days later OP asked if she overreacted by "skipping my husband's 3rd birthday party this year?"
You may recognize this development from my post in AITA.
Recap: His birthday was last month. I hosted a barbecue for him - affordable, casual, and what he wanted. His sister's family didn't want to go because it was outdoors/not in the AC (the party was on a breezy day at the beach with lots of shade), so she planned another party for him that will take place later today at a restaurant.
When we realized how expensive this meal would be, she admitted she couldn't afford it and asked us to help plan something cheaper.
So, we instead planned a potluck in the park, again in the shade and this time in the late afternoon so temperature/sun wasn't an issue. Best part, it was as close to free as possible! Plans were finalized, until she let me know that evening that her boyfriend vetoed it and insisted on going to a different, slightly less expensive restaurant instead.
I decided enough was enough and let her know I wouldn't be attending. She's now devastated that her sister-in-law doesn't want to spend time with her family on such an important day.
My reasons for staying home are numerous.
1. money is tight for ALL of us, so the thought of spending hundreds on a single meal puts a bad taste in my mouth. Even if SIL and her family end up paying for everything, I'm still bitter - we all pitch in to take care of their disabled mother, but they are the only ones who ask the mom to fill their gas tank for trips to the doctor or grocery store.
We'd rather they saved the money and put it toward their essentials so they don't have to rely on mom's disability checks.
2. I'm hurt that I was enlisted to help plan something we were all happy with just to have it changed without my input. It was a waste of my time and energy and just felt rude.
3. I've already attended multiple birthday celebrations for him (ours, a group birthday pool party w/friends, and now this) and I'm burnt out.
4. the restaurant they chose is the restaurant they go to for EVERY CELEBRATION. Birthday, graduation, return from deployment, anniversary, etc. I'm just not interested in eating the same pizza again for the 5th time this year. Everyone else agrees, they just don't want to hurt SILs feelings by saying it.
5. (pettiest reason of all - controversial) politics. My place of employment is suffering substantially from budget cuts caused by this administration. My job is not safe, and my department just laid off ~40% of our staff to counteract loss of funding.
SIL's family are proud supporters of this administration, and it's hard for me to be around them when they excitedly talk about current events. I would not be able to fake my way through an afternoon with them and staying home will be a courtesy for everyone.
All that being said, SIL's family LOVE us. They rarely get to see us because we are so busy, and take things very personally when we can't attend something. Me choosing not to attend is the ultimate slap in the face for them. Are my reasons for skipping good enough? Or is this inherently an overreaction?