Postpartum boundaries spark war as MIL mocks mother’s near-death birth experience. AITA?
"What to do about MIL?"
My partner and I had a baby almost 6 months ago. It’s been an incredible experience but our relationship with my in laws has completely soured. When the baby was first born, we didn’t allow any visitors for six to eight weeks (eight for visitors who didn’t want to get TDAP) so we could bond and I could heal in peace.
That decision basically started a war with my in laws. If you want more detail on that, there’s a post on my profile. Fast forward to present day, my MIL has yet to meet our child because of her insane reaction post birth.
However, we did extend an invitation to meet baby in January AS LONG AS she was willing to sit for a conversation with my partner and I in order to make amends. Simply put, I was looking for an apology — in a way she ruined my postpartum experience and said a ton of nasty things about me.
She has been declining to meet because she feels uncomfortable by me. That is till last Sunday. She finally came around and said she was ready to talk and ohhh boy was it rough.
To sum up some things that were said:
Asked me if it would be best to kill herself and get out of our lives, called me a manipulative abuser and told me I was brainwashing her son.
She belittled my birth experience (I almost died as I ruptured an artery during childbirth and had to have an intensive surgery) by telling me all women have hard labors.
She said “too bad” when my partner said I would be in his life for a long time. She told me that my father “wasn’t around to raise me” after I told her my dad also had to wait the eight weeks to meet the baby (she is convinced that our no visitor rule only applied to my partner’s family).
That’s basically the gist. I held my tongue for a while but the comment about my dad pissed me off and I lost it. I admit I told her to eff off and called her crazy and uneducated after that.
She quickly got up and left once I snapped back. My partner did try to get his mom and I to calm down but he didn’t say anything to defend me from her attacks, which really bothers me. I’ve already told him I’m done dealing with his mother. I have no desire to see or communicate with her ever again. He’s supports my decision.
Here’s my problem. My partner still wants to spend time with his mom and they just hang out like nothing happened. He doesn’t bring up any of the things she said about me, and it was like pulling teeth to convince him to stand up for me when she was texting him crazy stuff when the baby was born.
He just goes to see her and they literally hang out like normal (playing chess, drinking coffee etc). Granted, he’s only seen her two or three times since baby was born and he claims that it’s awkward.
I’d never tell him to not go see his mom but it bothers me that he doesn’t defend me and is okay carrying on with her like normal. Is this a me problem?? Am I crazy for feeling upset?
He says that he won’t be able to mend his relationship with her by not seeing her and has to fix the relationship by being in her presence as well, which I do understand. However it’s weird to me to just sit there and not talk about the fat elephant in the room. Thanks for any advice.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Wow. What a b-word. Okay so you flared this post as “give it to me straight” so I’m going to. If my husband would have sat there and let his mother speak to me the way your mother-in-law spoke to you, especially within six months of a traumatic birth experience where you could have died, I would have divorced him.
I’m not suggesting you to divorce your husband because it does seem like he has your back at times, but I do suggest you sit his ass down and explain to him that he must have your back unconditionally or there are going to be problems.
His mommy‘s fee fees are not more important than your mental physical and emotional well-being. Also, her saying that’s too bad when he told her you would be in his life means that she actively wants him to divorce you.
I’m so sorry. Your husband made his choice, OP. And, sadly, he took his mother’s side. If he’s hanging out with her acting as if all is well, your MIL is getting exactly what she wants: her son’s undivided attention.
So, regardless of what your husband SAYS, his ACTIONS prove that he’s put his relationship with his mother ahead of the family he created. Did he try to calm his mother down after she called you crazy? Or after you told her to eff off?
ThrowRAbiblebaby (OP)
He let her leave. He and I did agree before the conversation that he’d start the conversation with this speech he prepared but he got maybe 30 seconds in before MIL interrupted him, and I interrupted him by responding to her. I apologized to him for that. He really didn’t say much, just gave me a “hey hey” when I called his mother uneducated ?
The truth is, your husband's avoidant style of handling conflict only makes situations worse. But you continue to follow his lead in this. If you want something else, you're going to have to make those strides yourself. Which you now say you want no part of. So, it is left to your husband. Who will deal with it.... by not dealing with it.
ThrowRAbiblebaby (OP)
Thanks for the advice. I dunno, in a way MIL makes me feel extremely unsafe. She literally encouraged my partner to take my 1 week old infant away from me and bring her to see MIL. That definitely hit different one week postpartum.
I agree that my partner is the avoidant type. Obviously hard to predict but I don’t think the fallout would have been any better even if he gave them a heads up, his parents are definitely entitled people. HOWEVER, at least we wouldn’t have had to deal with all of the fallout while tending to a brand new baby.