'WIBTA if I cut my parents out of my life?' 'I didn't grieve my brother the same way they did.'

"WIBTA if I cut my parents out of my life because they hold it against me that I didn't grieve my brother the same way they did?"

I (18m) was born an identical twin and when me and my brother Cam were 4 he was diagnosed with cancer. Our parents for the next three and a half years devoted their lives to saving Cam. They were told after a year his diagnosis was terminal and there was nothing that would ever cure him, but they never gave up.

They put him into a bunch of clinical trials and got second, third, fourth and even fifth opinions. They borrowed money off everyone they could and took out loans to afford different doctors.

In those years everything was centered around what he wanted and what would make him happy. Including our shared bedroom. We were given a double bunkbed where he got the double bed and I got the single top bunk. Our room was decorated with all his favorite cartoon characters.

Our parents dressed us identically again in his choice of clothes when we had been allowed to pick our own clothes. Our birthdays were his birthdays only and even though Cam tried to include me in the last two he wasn't able to because our parents were determined to make the most of him.

It was rough and to be honest it was lonely back then. I loved my brother and he loved me. I never hated him. But our parents would be in and out of our room all night checking on him and ignoring me. They'd wake me up when they had to give Cam meds or wanted to monitor his blood pressure or temp.

And if I stirred or asked what was going on they ignored it. There were days I went to school exhausted and I used to fall asleep in school. And then Cam died the one night we shared the bottom bunk with each other.

My parents were so mad that I didn't get them when Cam wanted me during the night. They were furious with me. They accused me several times of robbing them of his final moments.

After Cam died, our room became a shrine to him. It wasn't supposed to be touched or changed at all. I was kept in the single bunk and his double part was kept in the same bed clothes as the night he died.

Whenever I even looked at it too much they would get mad at me. They'd say it was HIS bunk, not mine. Even 10 years after that they would say how awful I was to want to steal Cam's bed from him.

The one and only time I asked if the room could be redecorated because I was older and wanted a more grown up room they almost killed me, I swear. I don't know why they didn't attack me but they moved like they would and looked like they would. They did yell a lot and they made several accusations like I never loved Cam, I was trying to erase him, I hated them and stomped all over their grief.

It was intense. They told me I knew I liked the room being as it always was so I was selfish for asking to take that away from them. When I asked to move out of the room it was another thing they held against me and hated me for. That room being my bedroom still felt SO wrong.

I was surrounded by Cam and suffocated by his memory and they just saw it as me hating him. They said I needed to be in Cam's room because I was always in there and it couldn't change.

I preferred to remember him on our birthday. My parents completely ignored our birthday (and me that day) and only wanted to remember his anniversary and they got so upset when it wasn't my focus.

This stuff and way more was thrown in my face all the time while I still lived there. I tried talking to others about it, who talked to my parents and it just never changed anything. They didn't want help. They didn't want to accept that I could grieve differently than them.

I went to stay with a friends family the day before my birthday and I haven't gone back since. I didn't block my parents either and whenever I see them I don't ignore they're there.

But I kinda wonder if I need to. I don't think they're good for me. And they accused me of abandoning them one of the times I saw them. I guess in a way I have because I feel like I need to. But WIBTA if I cut them out of my life because of everything?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

RestlessLegacy said:

NTA. They were awful to you and continue to be awful to you. You can’t get a good childhood back, but may the rest of your life be filled with people who love and treasure you.

paganliam said:

NTA. Block them and live your finally live your life. Your parents are the ones who neglected and abandoned you. And because of that, they lost both of their sons.

Lizardgirl25 said:

NTA they abandoned you and punished you for living and Cam dying. Cam would be horrified I am betting.

CaliPirate said:

Bro, you are NTA for taking care of yourself, whatever that may be. Your parents keep re-traumatizing you for something you could not control. You have been traumatized both by your brother's death (which is understandable), but also your parents' favoritism (which is not).

You need to prioritize yourself, get therapy and move on from your trauma, including cutting contact with your parents if need be. Your life is out there and you need to go find it.

Emergency_Exit_4714 said:

Your parents chose to lose both children by focusing solely on your brother and alienating/neglecting you. NTA - cut contact, they abandoned you first. Wishing you distance and healing.

stiggley said:

NTA Remember that your brother saw what they were doing and tried to include you, despite everything he was going through. He stood up for you. You were the one he wanted, not your parents.

Your parents abandoned you and focused everything on your brother. Remember him foldly and with love. Just because you don't wail and cry and create shrines, it doesn't mean you don't grieve. Step back from your parents - they lost you years ago. It's only just catching up to them now.