I (40f) dropped my husband (36m) off to go drinking with his work colleague (26m) last night. He said he was going to the bar around the corner and would be home in a couple of hours. We’ve been together 7 years, married for 2 and social time like this after work is not uncommon.
He stopped answering my texts after 5 hours. Ten missed calls (from me) went by for the next 2 hours. After 8 hours he sent me a text saying that he fell asleep at his colleague's and would be home soon. 20 minutes later he came home in an uber, rubbed his eyes and said that he needed “to go back to sleep."
The thing is, he was never asleep. I know this because I had one of my sister's friends follow him last night, and after 2 hours at the nearby bar, he left with his colleague and went into the city.
At the bar he met two (random) women who sat at his table with him for an hour, then he was in the bathroom with the two of them and his colleague for 5 about minutes. He received a text (I assume from me) and he left everyone the table and went home in the uber (at which point he 'fake tired' me).
I’m obviously going to confront him about the lies on lies that he’s told me, but WIBTA if I leave out the part about how I sourced the information? While I do feel validated in my action after what it’s uncovered, I feel conflicted because, unlike him, I value honesty.
FrozenFan123 said:
You wouldn’t be the AH for not revealing how you know people often get fixated on the “snooping” instead of the actual betrayal. The core issue here isn’t your method, it’s that your husband lied to your face multiple times in one night and created an elaborate cover story.
If you tell him your source, you might lose that avenue in the future if things get worse. Confront him with the facts you have, let him know you know exactly what happened, and focus on the trust he’s broken not on defending your right to find out. His reaction to being caught will tell you a lot about where this marriage is headed.
SmokyBlackRoan said:
Your marriage is way way way over if you need to have your husband followed.
mrsmeowgi1 said:
NTA. It doesn’t matter how you found out. I would doubt this is his first time, I think maybe just the first time he was caught. I’m sorry this happened to you.
GoofinOffAtWork said:
Why bother? Seriously there is an obsessive part that kicks in to the victim of an affair. Don't get caught in it. Get a lawyer, go no contact as possible with soon to be ex. Get on with it. NTA regardless what you do.
SlipperSocks24-7 said:
NEVER EVER REVEAL THE SOURCE. You owe him nothing.
Wendigo_33 said:
NTA, Dude played himself and he lost the right to details when he stopped giving them to you. Also don't expose your sources so they don't get dragged in.
Some of you were confused by my timeline and asked me to better explain it: I dropped him off at his colleagues house first and from there he went to the nearby bar. This meant he was out for a total of 8-9 hours for a planned 2 hour catch up. A couple of hours out isn’t uncommon, as I said, sometimes we wind the working week up with a social drink.
I obviously had my suspicions that he’d been up to no good as money has been disappearing from our joint accounts and there’s been some shady behavior with random women on his socials. My sister and I are close so she asked if I wanted a friend to keep eyes on him.
The friend did not avidly “stalk” him the entire time, she just lives close by and was also heading to nearby bar and then into the city as that’s a common thing for everyone to do where we live. Admittedly, she did start stalking and photographing when she caught him up to no good, but given what unfolded I don’t have any regrets about that.
To those of you who said that I suck for calling him incessantly for two hours: my husband has a significant medical condition which caused him to need hospitalization a couple of weeks ago.
The last time he didn’t answer my calls he was unconscious in an ambulance, so yes I panic. We’re also married with children, so being out all night when you’ve told the other parent that you’d be home after a drink or two isn’t normal behavior for either of us, ever.
To those of you interested in the outcome: I confronted him and he point blank lied to my face, repeatedly, about every single thing. He told me that he stayed at nearby bar then went to a friend’s place where he accidentally fell asleep on the couch. I asked him if he went into the city at any point and he said no. I asked him if he went to (city bar name) and he said no.
I asked him if he spoke to women at any point of the night and he said no. At this point he doubled down on me and insisted that his medical condition had made him “so tired that he passed out asleep at a friend’s house and didn’t realize until he suddenly woke up and knew he needed to come home ASAP."
It was at this point I asked him if he would like to see a photograph of himself and his work colleague going into a city toilet to (assumedly) do substances with two blondes...the blood drained from his entire face, his jaw dropped and his eyes went wide...he knew the jig was up.
He switched gears and pleaded that he hadn’t been unfaithful or cheated, just did substances in a toilet and talked with the women. He’s now begging to keep our marriage. While I do believe him when he says that he hasn’t cheated (ie kissing etc) I do not want to stay married to someone that engages with women on that sort of level and then lies to my face about it, so I’ll be filing for divorce.
An extra/bonus storyline: the work colleague in question has a long term overseas partner who is meant to be coming to our country in a few weeks to see if she wants to move here to live with him.
I’ve told my husband to that work colleague has an opportunity to be honest with her about his crap behavior over this weekend, otherwise I’ll be reaching out and sending her the evidence too. She deserves to know the truth before uprooting her entire life to be with that man.