'WIBTA if I don’t tell my spouse the latest information I received about his biological parents?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I don’t tell my spouse the latest information I received about his biological parents?"

My (34F) husband (40M) was adopted as an infant. It was an international adoption with limited information regarding the circumstances of his adoption and his birth parents. His mom (adoptive mother) tragically passed away years ago and he does not have a relationship with his adoptive father.

When we met, he had no interest in reaching out to his biological parents. He expressed disdain for his birth mother “abandoning,” him and was quite angry. After his adoptive mom passed away he started to toy with the idea of reaching out to the adoption agency. For years he mulled over the idea.

He then expressed fear of rejection and stopped talking about it again. He went back and forth on the subject for a few more years. Each time he showed interest, I began learning more about how we could get information if he did decide he wanted to move forward. Late last year he finally decided he was ready.

I submitted the necessary documentation for him at his request. The agency informed us that due to changes in adoption processes in his birth country, they may not be able to process his request and we might have to wait until September of this year to request directly from the government in his home country.

We were pretty disappointed, but decided to proceed and see what happened. In April they reached out again and said they could not fulfill our request. He was upset and a few days later he said he didn’t want to even bother trying to search again in September.

Today I received an unexpected email from the agency. They HAD been able to move forward. His birth mother returned the first letter to sender, a family member received the second letter and the third letter was hand delivered to his birth mother in May and she never reached out.

We can assume she does not want to contact him at this point. His birth father (not married to the birth mother and living in a different city) did initially seem open to contact. He exchanged a few text messages with the agency social worker. Unfortunately he decided that he “felt bad but did not wish to continue communication.”

I know this will hurt him to know. At this moment in time, he believes we gave up on contact. WIBTA if I just don’t tell him? I am torn. I feel he has the right to know, but I fear what the rejection will do to him. I am so disappointed and upset. I knew this was a possibility, but I had hoped they’d at least be willing to exchange a letter or two.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

No_Jaguar67 said:

It’s not your story. He deserves answers even if they are crappy. YTA.

MammaMako said:

YWBTA. I think it would be even more upsetting if he found out that information later down the line for some reason, and find out that you knew. I'd probably ask him something like "we've received an email from the agency. Do you want to know?"

WittyResource2329 said:

While the information will hurt, he already feels rejected by his parents. It will hurt him far worse to feel he can't trust his wife if the information does somehow come out.

Careless_Welder_4048 said:

Girl tell him. The truth always comes out sooner or later. You know him best would he feel betrayed by you for keeping this secret?

medievalqueer said:

Yes, YTA. (Or would be.) He deserves to know, and if you kept a secret like this, it will always find a way to come out at some point down the line. It is far kinder to tell him now so that he can process those emotions currently than decades later when he will feel much worse that you kept it from him all that time. Just tell him. Be there for him. Hiding it is not the act of a trustworthy partner.

MizAnthropy_ said:

Kindly, YWBTA. You’re trying to protect his feelings, I get it, but just be honest with him. What if he somehow finds out down the line that you knew?

UPDATE:

I told him last night and all is well. I let him know there was an update and that he could decide if he wanted the information or not. He ultimately chose to read the email. He was understandably disappointed and hurt by the information. I told him that I had struggled with whether or not I should tell him.

I asked him if he would’ve felt better if I hadn’t told him and he said he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t angry with me for considering withholding the information and he wasn’t upset that I told him either. He said he could see why I struggled.

I am glad I left it up to him because I don’t think I could or would have been able to keep it from him anyway. For those of you saying I withheld this from him by coming here first - he was literally informed 10 minutes after returning home from work. I told him as soon as he was available.