'WIBTA for asking my girlfriend to sign a prenup?' + UPDATE
"WIBTA for asking my girlfriend to sign a prenup?"
Wonderful_Class4280
Hey, so I (26m) have been dating my gf (25f) for a little over a year, and this is something my mom and some friends have mentioned to me. I have a great job and make about $95,000 a year, have a comfortable savings of a few thousand, I own my house and 2 cars (2012 Acura MDX and 2015 cadillac ats).
I also make $1,200 a month in rent. She currently works part-time at a bar. She has mentioned before about me adding her to the title of my house, to which I told her I would not as she doesn't contribute anything to it.
I purchased my second car two months ago as the first one was paid off, i told her she could drive my old car, but she wanted me to sell it and use the money to help her buy a car for her.
I also declined this request but instead offered to help her buy a cheaper car off buy and sell as I'm not sure how my new car would fair in the winter. She's gotten really upset about those two instances.
She also asks for designer handbags often ($3000), to which I say no, as I feel like it's a waste of money. It's not that I have a problem spending money on her as smaller gifts that are more reasonable, I have no issue with. I don't plan on marrying her anytime soon, but would I be an AH for asking her to sign one if we ever got married?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
SLCPDLeBaronDivison
All that after a year? She's a gold digger. You're young. Dump her.
NTA.
whowhatwhere420
This is the right answer. Also op coming from someone who makes about 100k a year and about your age. Don't tell someone what you make early in the relationship. I've been with my fiance about 4 years engaged for 1. It wasn't until she moved in with me last year that I told her how much money I make.
Although i live a lot more frugally than you do. I own my own home but drive a much older car as I don't feel like having a nice car is super important. But it's easier to hide still. I wish you the best luck man.
If you really do decide to pursue this relationship a prenub is a must if she doesn't want to sign it she's not the one. She'll say you're just planning for failure, so is she by not signing it.
Wonderful_Class4280 (OP)
I do live incredibly frugal aside from my cars, I actually bought the second one because she needed a way to get to, and from work, she didn't like my offer of assistance in buying a cheap car from buy and sell that's when I found out she has practically no savings.
Far-Season-695
Buddy how much longer can you go with this relationship? She sees you as a meal ticket not a partner. NTA but I wouldn’t bother with a prenup as I don’t think you should even think about proposing to her.
Over-Marionberry-686
All of this would make me very uncomfortable. NTA and why didn’t you have a “finance” talk earlier?
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
Wonderful_Class4280
Hey so I was planning on doing this conversation with my girlfriend on Saturday, when neither of us need to worry about work. This is gonna be a bit longer than my original as well.
Also to the people who were saying that I'm not as rich as I think I am, I know damn well I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination. The things I listed were to give an example as to how far out some of her requests have been.
I got home at around midnight and she got home around 3:30am after her shift at the bar. She wasn't in the best of moods and started to say how things aren't like they were before.
I agreed with her and then asked her how long she was planning on staying at the bar and if she was going to look for a more full-time or reliable job. She told me she wants to be a realtor in a year or two and I asked her when she decided that, she told me about a week ago.
I wasn't trying to pressure her but I asked her what steps she needed to take in order to make it happen, she didn't give me a full answer and just mentioned that she was talking to a lady who worked as a realtor who was at the bar a few weeks ago. I told her I was happy she had a goal that she was aiming for.
She then said she wanted to buy an apartment herself next year, as she wants to "live by herself for a bit" I asked her how she was going to manage getting it and she asked if I'd help her.
I asked her just as an estimate if I was to help what percentage I would be contributing and she said about 80. This is where things started to take a turn. I said I don't think that would be fair, as I'd she decided to sell it the money would go 50/50. She didn't have anything to say to that.
So I asked her, If you went out on your own and purchased that apartment used all the money you worked for, and then I came in married you and left, how comfortable would you be selling it? She said she wouldn't be comfortable with it. I tried to explain that's how I felt with some of the things she's mentioned to me.
She told me the guy is supposed to provide, and while I don't disagree with the statement, I thought back to a lot of comments on my last post of some ladies who were saying they make more than their husband, and they were for the idea of the prenup, not because he couldnt provide but as asset protection.
I also told her that some of her previous comments such as being on the deed to my house, and me selling my car to buy her one made me uneasy. She told me I was lying about the car, because she corrected me and said she asked my to trade it in for a new car for her.
This is where I asked her, what do you think of a prenup agreement for IF we get married? She started crying, saying I didn't trust her and that I was already planning on leaving her if that's what I had in mind.
I told her that's not the case, we can both have one I used a lot of examples people mentioned to me recently, such as her winning the lottery, getting a great job, or receiving an inheritance. It is protection for both of us. She didn't say anything to what I said, instead just looked away and said "I'm all by myself again".
She was still crying, she asked if I would have asked someone who made more money than her to sign one as well. I told her I don't think I'd get married without one at this point.
I brought up how the number one reason for divorce is rooted to finances and we don't see eye to eye on anything in that field. She asked what I meant, I asked her how much she's seen me spend on myself in the last year and after a minute of thinking she said almost nothing.
I asked her if she has a closet and drawers filled to the point they don't close or open right of clothes why she kept wanting new ones, she told me it's for her mental health, then asked me if I even cared about her mental health. I told her I did immensely as I hate seeing her sad but also told her that spending money to try and make yourself happy is a temporary fix and it will be a repeating cycle.
This was close to 6:30am and she told me that I should get some rest before work, as I leave at 1 to drive to work. So the conversation ended there and we both tried to sleep. (I left out one topic from our conversation that was prevalent in my previous post about intimacy we did discuss it though) We talked more after I woke up around 9.
Saturday I'll bring grabbing my stuff from her place and we'll be going our separate ways. Thanks to everyone's opinion who commented on my previous post, I know I might not have handled the situation perfectly but this conversation with her was probably the hardest talk I've ever had to have. I hope this is easier to read opposed to the wall of text I had earlier sorry to the people who comment on the last one.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
BagelwithQueefcheese
“i’ll be alone again”
Absolutely manipulative. Glad you’re getting out.
Wonderful_Class4280 (OP)
That actually made me feel weird when she said it. I knew what she was doing when she said that.
peter095837
“i’ll be alone again”
That there is perfect manipulation tactic for delusional and insane people. OP handled this whole situation perfectly.
Shiny_Luv3
OP's girlfriend crying over the prenup talk is kind of a red flag. Like, if she thinks asking for a prenup means he’s planning to leave, maybe she’s not ready for the commitment either.
CaptDeliciousPants
Bullet dodged. She knew she what she was doing. She was just upset her attempts to manipulate him didn’t work out.