'WIBTA for divorcing my wife for accusing me of cheating on her?' + UPDATED 2X
"WIBTA for divorcing my wife for accusing me of cheating on her?"
Ok_Cartoonist5220
Quick backstory: Me (44m), my wife Grace (42f). Married for 13 years, together for 16. I met Grace about the time I got out of the military. It was a medical discharge, I met her while I was at the hospital for surgery.
She was a nurse on the floor I was staying on, single mom, divorced for a couple of years. I left the military, went back to school, and now I work from home as a software engineer, more or less. We started dating, took it slow the first couple of years because of her daughter, Maya, who was 5 at the time. Grace is still a nurse and Maya goes to college.
I would have said, until last month, that our marriage was pretty solid. We've had arguments, I admit I was kind of shit at housekeeping when we first moved in together because I was not used to how much kids tear things up around the house.
But other than that it was good. No "step-parent" issues, I had an active role in Maya's life because her own father lives overseas for work. We went on dates. Intimacy has always been great. We wanted kids but it wasn't in the cards for us. Honestly, I'm a bit blindsided.
I've had friends who were "blindsided" by divorce but I never understood how. Usually there were problems that they glossed over and then suddenly their wives would leave them and they just didn't see it coming. But the rest of us could see it coming from a mile away. So here I am saying the same thing and maybe I just missed something huge.
The past few months Grace has been more stressed than usual. Ever since Covid, she's been burnt out and I asked her multiple times if she wanted to quit her job, at least for a couple of years. I thought the burn out was coming to a head, she was withdrawn, angry.
She snapped at me constantly, she ridiculed Maya over everything. But she's my wife, she was traumatised by the pandemic, and both Maya and I were understanding. We would do okay with just my salary so last month I sat her down to suggest again that she quit and take some time off to heal.
Then everything blew up. She started yelling at me that she knew what I was doing. She's known for months. She has proof. I didn't know what she was talking about at first but it didn't take long to realize she was accusing me of infidelity.
I can't lie, I was angry as hell. I opened my phone, handed it to her, told her to go through it. I went and got my laptop, unlocked it, told her to go through that. The whole time she's still shouting at me about some other woman.
I don't have "traditional" social media accounts. I'm on lobsters, hacker news, and I have a reddit account. I told her to check everything, there's no secret Facebook or instagram or whatever. No messages from anyone. I opened discord, even Slack. Everything I could think of. But she wouldn't even look at it. She just got angrier and angrier and then she picked up my laptop and threw it.
That's when I had enough and left. I went to my parent's house. All the while, Grace was texting and calling and leaving more and more unhinged messages about this woman she knows I'm with.
When I got to my parent's house I called her once and told her I needed a few days because I was too angry to handle talking to her. My sister called the next morning and told her Grace had called her multiple times as well to see if I was really there.
After a few days I called Grace to talk and at first the conversation was productive. She apologized for throwing the laptop but she said I made her so angry because I was being so calm.
I told her I was not calm because I was being accused of cheating on my wife and I was furious but it was either try to talk it out or start shouting, which I didn't think was a good idea. Then she got angry, told me I was twisting her words and things felt apart quickly.
She started going on and on again that she knew I was cheating, she had proof. I asked her what proof, because I would like to see it. I don't remember how we got there but she said she was going to send everything to the lawyer and I said fine, send a copy to mine because this was going no where.
She got really quiet after that and asked if I was serious and I said I wasn't going to stay in a marriage where my wife thinks I cheated on her but won't tell me why. We ended the call there and I've been at my parent's house since.
My dad is on my side, my mom thinks Grace is just having a rough time and that we can talk this through. My sister is pissed she got dragged into it so she thinks we're both AHs, and Maya is miserable because she's being torn between me and her mom. I feel like maybe I jumped the gun and should have stayed calmer.
EDIT: My morning meetings are finally over and I need to concentrate on my job so I'm going to be logging out for the day. I'm going to talk to my mom to see if she'll talk to Grace. Suggest therapy, couples therapy, etc.
I believe those of you who suggested missing reasons are correct. Something is causing this, I just don't know if it's something I've done, stress in her life, or if it's full on projection. I don't think it is. But you never know.
I'll assure Maya again that she has a place here no matter what. As far as I'm concerned, she's my daughter and of course she's got a place here if she needs it. However, I also won't try to pressure her considering that's her mom and I know this is pulling her in two ways.
2nd EDIT: Okay, so I took a quick break and thought I'd come back and read a couple comments but there are way too many to read. But there is an overall theme to them so I'll try to quickly address them here.
Someone asked if I was cheating. I understand why you asked that, I never came out and said in the post but let me assure you, no. I'm not cheating. I never have. Granted, those are just words and I'm sure some will think that I'm lying.
But I love my wife. I never wanted to cheat. I'm not a saint, I've been attracted to people. I think Salma Hayek is gorgeous. But the thought of cheating has never crossed my mind.
A lot of people think she's cheating on me. Again, I don't think so. She's home every night at the same time. She doesn't hide away her devices. Could there be someone at work? Yes. Do I think she's cheating? No. But as many pointed out, those are famous last words.
Talking about divorce/staying calm. I have PTSD. I've worked a lot in therapy over the years to process intense emotions. It's why I stay calm. Not because I am, but because if I don't then I get overwhelmed.
The "talk to my lawyer" comment was one of those moments I didn't process well. I don't think it's a good idea to divorce her after over a decade together because of this past month. On the other hand, I know that because it's not a safe place for me mentally, I'll stay at my parents until we get this resolved.
Could it be hormones? Yes. It could. However, my wife is already taking hormones because of a medical procedure she had when she was in her early 30s. Like I said, it wasn't in the cards to have kids. She has to see the doctor usually every six months to check her levels. Her last appointment was in March. However, her mood changes started before that.
Mental health issues? This is what I think it Is personally. Like I said, Grace has been building up to a burn out for a while now. These mood changes started a while ago, it's why I brought up taking time off of work. It's why I brought it up again last month when she blew up at me.
I think this is stress. It's why I haven't actually contacted a lawyer. Because I hope my marriage can be saved. I think I just wanted reassurance from a neutral 3rd party because I'm so far out of my depth here.
To those who say don't get my mom involved. My mom already is. She and Grace are incredibly close. She's called Grace every day to check on her. Grace has no contact with her own family.
So I'm not really involving mom as much as I'm just asking her to suggest marriage counselling to her the next time she calls. I sure as hell don't want to get some other party involved in this, so I'm not going to contact a friend to talk to my wife.
I haven't been no contact with my wife since I left. I probably should have clarified that. She messages me, sometimes it's the same silly stuff we've always talked about like random memes she's found or crap her coworkers are doing.
And sometimes it's her begging me to just tell her the truth. I'm exhausted mentally from this all and at the end of my rope. I've suggested therapy a couple of times already but that's gotten nowhere. Hopefully mom bringing it up might help.
Why the throwaway? Because my coworkers also have reddit accounts and I don't want them to see this post. They might but hopefully software guy in his 40s with a wife in nursing is generic enough to American audiences that they won't know it's me. But if it's on my actual account, they definitely will. No one at work knows and I'd like to keep it that way.
I think that's everything. I want to add though, please don't disparage my wife. I'm upset over this because my wife is a great woman. She's smart, she's funny, she's sweet. She's been a wonderful mother and that's why I've been worried the past few months about her. Because this is so out of character.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
mustang19671967
Usually when blanketmaccusations it Is because they are doing it . Investigate her cheating especially if in an at fault state.
The OP responded here:
Ok_Cartoonist5220
I don't think she's cheating, but then you're right. It could be projection.
TravelingPhotoDude
I wonder if she got the scam your husband is cheating text scam going around. They will say they were cheating with their husband and usually ask for money for the proof.
She got the text, and thinks it's proof the lady did cheat with her husband and is now waiting for the "proof" and that is why she hasn't provided it. It's been a common scam as of late. The proof will never come if they paid for it. They just get dragged along for awhile.
ViewtifulGene
It sounds like she made up her mind already and is just trying to trap you. She doesn't actually want a discussion. She wants you to blow up so she has cause for a divorce. Run.
She's a sociopath. Her unwillingness to even consider therapy is a red flag. That and she refused to present evidence for her claims. She ostensibly is not acting in good faith.
Self-inflicted-
Your nurse wife is cheating on you and projecting her insecurities onto you. Go check her phone.
Historical-Income666
Has she developed some psychological/psychiatric problems? Depression? Would be useful to rule that out.