'WIBTA for dropping out of my friend’s wedding last minute?' 'I'm in shock.'
"WIBTA for dropping out of my friend’s wedding last minute?"
We’re both mid-20s females & I’m a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding next month. We’ve been friends since middle school. I’m feeling apprehensive in continuing my duties as a bridesmaid lately. I’ve spent lots of time/money, went on the destination bach trip, bought several gifts, went to the shower & engagement party in another state & supported her happily.
Things started to take a turn when I let her know my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I became her caretaker & it’s been devastating bc she’s my entire world. My friend knows this & knows my mom. 7 months go by & she doesn’t say a word about it.
She doesn’t call, ask me how we are, doesn’t visit (she lives 20 mins away). I’m a bit in shock but I brushed it off thinking she’s stressed with wedding stuff. Recently at the bridal shower, before I leave, she says “my friend’s mom got hip surgery today so I’m going to go visit her.” I go blank.
Maybe I’m wrong for feeling this way, but that triggered me. 7 months go by & I never felt that sense of urgency from her towards me. It almost felt intentional cause why would you say that knowing you haven’t tried to show up for me & I’ve shown up to every bach event even while dealing with my mom’s cancer? In this time, my mom starts to feel better & her breast cancer was cleared.
She only had 1 week of peace when suddenly I have to take her to the ER. An emergency surgery + days in the hospital later, she’s diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My mom & I are floored. PC is not like BC. Her BC was curable but this one isn’t. I’ve been crying everyday. I tell my friend that I might be losing my mom soon & that I want to spend as many days as I can with her.
I just want to be with my mom. I don’t even know how I could show up to a wedding & smile for 48 hours. When I tell her, she calls & expresses how sad she is for me. I asked her why hasn’t she checked in on me all this time & she says that she was waiting till’ things got “really really hard” ??? Uh. So when my mom dies??
It pissed me off honestly because why are you assuming that was what was going to happen? When she had breast cancer the prognosis was great but the process to get there WAS hard. It was already hard. Why do you have to wait till things get at its absolute worst to show up? It sounds like an excuse.
Then she brings up how the wedding is expensive & how she doesn’t have money to go out??? I never asked to go out. It costs nothing to call or come over and chat. Taking care of my mom has been expensive and yet, I still spent for this wedding.
All this has been making me question this friendship and life itself. I want to be intentional with my time and spending a weekend with someone who might not care for me doesn’t sit right.
I could be with my mom and make more memories with her. I do feel guilty for feeling this way, especially since the wedding date is so close. So please let me know if I’m overreacting & if I should just suck it up for one weekend? Thanks in advance!
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
EmceeSuzy said:
You should drop the wedding. YWNBTA. This "friend" of yours has been unkind and has demonstrated how little regard she has for you and your well-being. I would not tell her that. I would simply say that I need to drop because of my mother's illness. If you are honest with her she will not take real responsibility and you will wind up having to pacify her.
HugeInTheShire said:
NTA. She told you all you need to know with her response. She's not your friend and she only cares about herself. If your mother passed away close to her wedding day she's the kind of person that would hold it against you for "stealing her moment." Life is better once you remove these people from your life, she seems like the perfect place to start.
Kal_El-of-Krypton said:
NTA. Don't feel pressured to "suck it up" for that weekend. Time with your mother is precious right now. If she can't accept that you are stepping down without being a total butt then use it as a sign that the friendship is done. She already gave signs she didn't feel you were important enough to check in on.
Not even a text? Did she ever ask when you saw each other in person? She had been very self centered for those 7 months and continues to disregard you. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry she was not a good friend to you. You deserve better.
GrouchyVacation6871 said:
Drop her. Friends come in Chapters. Hers is done. Sorry about your Mom. Lost mine 30 years ago.
Final_Salamander8588 said:
Wow. NTA. In fact, for your own sanity, you probably should pull out. Try to imagine how uncomfortable this wedding will make you feel. You don’t have to do things like this. Be with your mother. You want to look back on time well spent with her. I am so sorry you’re going through such pain and for your mother’s illness. Best to your family.
tinap3056 said:
NTA, she doesn’t sound like a very good friend. But regardless, no one could blame you even if she was the most supportive friend, for spending the time with your mother. I’m very sorry for what you are going through.