'WIBTA for no longer doing 'favors' for my disabled friend?'
"WIBTA for no longer doing “favors” for my disabled friend?"
silverbooknerd
Ok so look -- I love my friend Mary (25F), who is physically disabled and uses a wheelchair. We've been friends since college and she's a nice person and we have similar interests, like going to concerts and events together, etc.
However, being friends with Mary comes with a lot of challenges that have been harder to deal with the longer I've known her. Over the past few years, I've helped Mary with everything from moving her laundry from the washer to the dryer to helping her off the toilet.
I know it's hard for her to ask for help and that she doesn't want to feel like a burden and I can't even imagine how difficult it is to ask for help with such intimate things.
However, it feels like especially recently, everytime there's something she needs, the task ends up being far more complicated than she originally described. For example, she needed me to go pick up something large for her from a store, which was fine, because it's hard for her to pick things up, especially large things, in her chair.
So you know, it's fine, I'm happy to help, that is until I went to two different stores and found that the only place that carries this thing is all the way across town, 30 min each way. And this isn't the first time a favor for her has ended up being much bigger.
So -- would I be the asshole if I stop helping her, or at least do it much less often? I care about her, I do and I don't want her to struggle, but also, if she needs help like over once a week, I'm wondering if maybe it's time for her to consider that she actually cannot live alone.
That feels mean to say, but honestly it is also true. If you can't do basic life things yourself, it feels like you need more help than just sporadic friends coming over can give you.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
thinkevolution
NAH. I would also be annoyed if someone asked me to pick something up for them at a store and it turned out I had to go to three different stores to get the item. I don’t think this is about Mary being disabled, I think it’s about you feeling taken advantage of.
I would just have an honest conversation with Mary about your capacity to help and your desire to be there for her as a good friend, and figure out if you can support her in either hiring staff or identifying other people she can also turn to for assistance at times two.
Peony-Pony
NTA. There are programs available to individuals who qualify for home health aides and companions and maybe it's time for your friend to look into them. Also their are durable medical equipment available to help disabled people function in their own homes.
It sounds like your friends needs to research what's available to her to make living independently easier. She can't rely on her friends and family to always be available when she needs help.
Riposte12
INFO - What is preventing you from talking to her about this? Why is it "cut off help" or nothing?
MissAnth
NTA. When asking someone to pick something specific up from a store, it is not too much to expect that she knows what store carries it, and that it's in stock to prevent you from running all over town. This is the least you can expect to indicate that she is being respectful of your time. She can get on the computer or pick up the phone and call places before sending you out.
Linguisticameencanta
Mary needs to be a better planner and organizer and communicator. This isn’t about her disability. NTA.