First responder working Christmas faces guilt trip for prioritizing work over in-laws’ rigid holiday traditions. AITA?
"WIBTA for not going to my husband’s family’s Christmas?"
I am a first responder and have been for the last 3 years. My schedule is a rotating shift pattern (days/nights). The pattern is consistent and I can tell you what days I’m working very far in advance.
Because of this, I told my entire family last year that I would be working on Christmas this year and reminded them when we saw them. This is the first time I have had to work on Christmas.
My side of the family understands and we are celebrating with just my parents and siblings another day. My husband’s family is really into Christmas. Like everyone needs to be at SIL’s house at 8am to open presents together and then we spend the entire day together.
So when I asked if we could celebrate together another day over the holidays instead it got shut down with statements like “Christmas is on December 25th” or “I don’t understand, can’t you just ask for the day off?” So I let them know my husband would be attending solo this year.
This morning while I was at work, my husband (who works a 9-5 and is enjoying his day off) texts me “it would be nice if you could come by for a couple hours tomorrow after work..” I declined because:
SIL lives ~90mins away, so that’s 3 hours of driving. I would be driving home alone at night with not the best weather. My job can be very stressful and my social battery is drained by the time I get home.
We already agreed that it made more sense for me to stay home and to have him go to his parents house on Christmas Eve so they could drive over in the morning together.
Well my husband is pissed and thinks that I don’t want to spend time with his family. He’s been sending me passive aggressive texts all day trying to guilt trip me… “we don’t know how much time we have left with my parents…”
It’s working because I feel like I’m letting everyone down and I don’t want his family to think I don’t want to spend Christmas with them. WIBTA if I stuck to our original plan instead of making an effort to go see his family tomorrow after work?
The OP then returned with an update.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond, I was really upset last night and it’s nice to get an outsiders perspective. One of the comments said “it’s not the date it’s the day” and I’ll be using that from now on.
A couple of you guessed right, yes, part of my job is answering 911 calls. My husband is mostly understanding of how our shifts work but I usually get pushback on long weekend or celebrations. I have been trying to convince him to come in for an observation shift so he can finally understand, but he’s doesn’t feel comfortable listening in on the calls.
I haven’t confirmed but I think what may have caused him to even request my appearance is that his father, who is in the early stages of dementia, may have asked what time we were both coming over, forgetting I was not coming over.
This shift schedule is still new to him, and he hates showing up to events without me and having to explain to everyone I’m not there because I am working. This is definitely something we are going to have to work out before we try and have kids.
Thanks again everyone and Merry Christmas! Especially to all my fellow first responders, health care workers, shift workers and anyone who has had to work a 24/7/365 job!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I work in the field of emergency services and the fact is that we, as a group, are never off duty. And unless you are going to screw your colleagues (and they're going to somehow allow it), you have to take your share of holiday shifts.
My family is completely used to celebrating important occasions with me on the wrong calendar date. OP, I don't know how long you have been with your husband, so maybe the situation is salvageable, but he needs to get with the fucking program yesterday. NTA.
This seems like a request from people who have only been exposed to white collar jobs. The lack of empathy is upsetting me. What sort of calls do they think happen on Christmas Day?!?!
OP take the time on Christmas you are off to relax and destress before your husband comes home. Allow yourself a few moments of peace to reflect on if this is a one time lapse in judgement or a pattern of unreasonable requests.
If it is the later, ask for therapy to repair the relationship. If it's a one time thing I would breakdown what you do at work for him in great detail so there is a new understanding this isn't a job you can just turn off at the end of a shift and drive 3 hours for a brief appearance.
You work emergency services. I worked emergency services for 35 years. Holidays happen when we can organize them, sometimes not on the actual holiday. My family, my inlaws - they all understood this. It's NORMAL.
So many people have military, police, hospital, firefighters, and hospitality jobs that occur 24/7/365. Your husband needs to realize your career is not like a business M-F 8-5 or whatever. You are an important part of society.
You are not a dick, you are an important person with an important job. Your husband needs to get on board. It's about you, not his family. DO NOT FEEL GUILT, GET THIS ISSUE SORTED.
If he never understands and is going to be pressured by his family to pressure you- draw that line. You are fine. Thank you for doing the hard work of serving the public. (I'm a dispatcher and i have some cuss words if you need them!!)
NTA Driving 3 hours in the dark after a long shift isn't a great idea, even if it is Christmas. Assuming you usually attend these or other family events, there is no need to claim "you don't want to spend time with his family".
They were warned far in advance, and it's not fair to you that they are acting surprised and hurt. I mean, is there some reason in particular he is using the "we don't know how much time we have" guilt trip? Are his parents in bad health or very old?
If not, I would very politely say to his family (bc they are probably the reason husband is pressuring you), "I know you are disappointed, but told you I couldn't come ages ago, and I would appreciate if you stopped trying to guilt trip me about something I can't control."
Looks like hubby is more interested in sucking up to his family than your safety. You are NTA. The passive aggressive guilt trip bullshit needs to stop.