'WIBTA for telling my wife she needs to do better as a SAHM?'
"WIBTA For Telling My Wife She Needs To Do Better As a SAHM?"
My wife and I have a 2 year old son who she watches as a stay at home mother. I run my own Dental Practice and because of this I am able to afford to keep her as a SAHM. Her and I were not together very long before she got pregnant and I had her move in after only about a year of seeing each other. We were married exactly a week after Landon was born.
Since that time she hasn’t been the best. I’ll frequently come home to a messy house, our son will be unbathed, laundry not done, no dinner cooked. I’ve brought this up on multiple occasions and she says Landon is a handful and she doesn’t have time to get all the duties accomplished.
Landon is always a piece a cake to deal with when I’m home as well as on the weekends so I never really believed her but I didn’t want to get into a fight.
Well last week she went out of state to visit her mother who is in hospice. I’ve never met her as they’ve been estranged for years so my wife and I decided it would be better to just stay at home with Landon while she is gone.
I took work off to watch Landon. It’s been the easiest week of my life since I was in high school.
I did the math and changing diapers averaged 20 minutes a day, cooking all meals took 40, loading the dishwasher took 10, giving him a bath was about 30 minutes a piece, cleaning took me about 25 minutes a day and he was so well behaved! We had the best time playing around and I only spent about 1 1/2 hours doing actual work.
I’m honestly really upset at this revelation that my wife basically does nothing all day while I work to provide for her and Landon.
She gets back tomorrow and frankly once she is over her mother I’m planning on telling her after living in her shoes for a week I need her to step up to the plate because the amount of effort she’s been putting in is unacceptable. If she doesn’t do it I think I will have to leave her because I don’t feel like taking care of two children.
She is a bit younger than me, she’s 27 while I’m 33, so I understand she hasn’t grown into more mature habits, but I feel like once you become a mother who gets to stay at home and be provided for you should at least hold up your end of the deal.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
toastedmarsh7 said:
Wouldn’t it be better to suggest that she find a FT job and Landon goes into full time childcare? Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHP and that shouldn’t be considered a personal failure. By 2 years, she’s gotten into the groove of it and clearly it’s just not a good fit for her. Fighting with her isn’t going to solve this problem so find a different solution.
ranseaside said:
YTA just based on your calculations. 40 min to cook all 3 meals and snacks? Lmao Sure buddy.
mbcob said:
NTA but you should try couples counseling to see what the issue is. If she is really lazy or is she depressed.
rrmama22 said:
I think you should probably take into account your child spends most all day, every day with your wife. Making her your child’s safe space to act out and need her attention constantly while not being able to do other things. She’s always constantly doing diaper changes and making meals for him throughout the day. Yta because you think it’s just so easy because you did it for a week.
Homosapien2706 said:
The math isn’t mathing. All 3 meals (may be a few snacks here and there) and it takes only 40 mins? Cleaning the whole house and cleaning up after meals takes only 25 mins? And the most bizarre of all, loading the laundry takes 10 mins?
Now this one I believe a little but what about unloading the laundry, folding the clothes, ironing a few of them (if you wear them to work) and then putting them back into dresser/closet.
Any_Lobster_1121 said:
I think you need to have an honest conversation with your wife about how she's feeling and how this is going for her. Drop the judgemental attitude. Don't tell her that you timed activites and expect them of her. Just care about her... Ask if she's happy as a SAHM. Maybe your son isn't as well behaved for her.
It is very common that children are worse for their primary caregiver. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe being a SAHM isn't for her and she'd be happier going back to work. You will get a lot further in this convo if you come from a place of caring for her, not a place of judging her.