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'WIBTA if I get back together with an ex who cheated on me 10 years ago?' UPDATED

'WIBTA if I get back together with an ex who cheated on me 10 years ago?' UPDATED

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"Would I (38f) be an idiot if I got back together with my ex husband (37m) who cheated on me 10 years ago?"

My ex, who we'll call Mike, and I were together since we were 14 and got married at 22. We have 2 kids together (15f and 11m). My ex's work takes him all over the country for a week every quarter. In one of those trips, he hooked up with one of his coworkers. I never thought he could do something like that cause our relationship was really solid. He confessed immediately after he got home.

I actually would've never found out if he didn't. He begged me for forgiveness, said that he still loved me and it was a lapse in judgement but said he would understand if I wanted a divorce, which is what eventually happened. It was very amicable and he actually gave me more than I expected (house, child support, alimony).

It was a slow process but over the years we became friends again and have a good co-parenting dynamic. Mike's a great father and the kids still love him. I got married 3 years after and he was actually very supportive. I divorced my 2nd husband 2 years ago cause he changed his mind on kids (I want 1 last baby).

In the past few months, Mike has been over frequently. At this point, our relationship is so good we dont need to enforce any of the set visits and such. Well things have been getting hot between us and we started sleeping together. I'm a woman with needs too and, to be very honest with you guys, he's still the best guy I've been with after all these years.

It's like our bodies were made for each other. He always joked that we were like prime Pippen and Jordan in bed and when he said that again, it felt like we were back 10 years ago when we were still together. It was supposed to be just physical but here we are...

Just a few hours ago, he brought up the idea of us getting back together. He gave me the most genuine speech about how stupid he was the night he cheated and how he never stopped loving me in the last 10 years. I was speechless and couldnt say anything so he just gave me his usual toothy smile and said "Its ok, I'll wait" before driving home.

Now I'm lying here in bed typing this out. I'd be lying to you guys if I said I didnt love him. I'd be lying if I said the last few months weren't the happiest I've been in years. And I'd be lying if I said I never forgave him for cheating. I've told him years ago that I already did.

If I had to decide right now I'd jump out of bed and drive to his house and bring him home. It's taking all my willpower not to do so. I love him. However, I also want to think with my brain here.

Pros of taking him back:

He's a great dad and the kids would have him around more

He's a great provider

He says he still wants kids

I still love him

Cons: I don't know yet, but maybe some of you can help me with that

Any advice on how I should proceed?

What do you think? Commenters weighed in:

said:

He made a big mistake and has spent ten years paying for it. The main question you need to ask yourself is whether or not that’s enough. You are the only one who can answer that.

It sounds like you trust him not to cheat again and that you want him back in your and your kids’ lives. So, can you put it behind you and move forward and not have his affair be a constant dark cloud hanging over the relationship?

That’s not something you should answer late at night in the middle of a rush of emotions. It’s something you need to have an honest and open discussion with him about, not trying to spare his feelings or be a nice person but based on what you feel deep in your gut.

It would probably best to have that discussion in a marriage counsellor’s office and have a professional help both of you walk through your feelings and the situation.

said:

You wouldn’t be an idiot. 10 years is a long time and people change.

[deleted] said:

Do it. You know you want to, and for the right reasons.👍🏽

said:

That’s completely selfish. You two have already put the kids through an emotional rollercoaster and now you want them to get on and ride again.

said:

Honestly, if It brings your family together, if your kids would be happy for dad to live with them again, and he's sincere and you've put the past behind and forgiven him for it, then I'd say I don't see any reason why not.

Once a cheater does not equal always a cheater. He seems like a good guy who made a mistake. Just make sure your not holding on to any resentment and that you've actually forgiven him before you dive into it. Probably best to visit a couples therapist just to talk this situation out, but I feel like you guys would be just fine. Nothing like a person's first love. Hope you guys can work it out!

With a few exceptions, most commenters urged her to give him a second chance.

A few days later, she shared this hopeful update on the situation:

Its been a few days now since I've posted and you have given me some solid advice especially the kind redditors who messaged me directly. I'm very grateful for this cause it helped me calm down and not give in to my impulses.

The morning after I posted, I texted Mike saying that I needed time and space to think about everything. He then replied with "I've waited 10 years, I can wait a bit longer". My heart melted.

When the kids woke up, our son was looking for his dad. He's at the age now where he pretty much idolized his dad. I get why though, Mike is an amazing dad. Our daughter gave me the stink eye all morning.

After lunch, when our son was in his room playing video games, my daughter confronted me about Mike. She basically said how she knew there was something going on (guess we're not that sneaky) and that she didn't want our fighting to affect their lives. She thought we were fighting.

Now, the divorce affected her but not as badly as expected. We made sure to get her counseling immediately after and made extra sure her life was as normal as possible. I'm not gonna delude myself and think she wasn't hurt by it but I'm pretty confident in saying we dealt with it pretty well. Or as well as we could.

I then had the conversation about how we weren't fighting but quite the opposite... We were thinking about getting back together. She thought about it for a while and said she was happy for us and hoped it was forever this time.

The next day I dropped my kids off at my parents house so I could talk to Mike at his place. We had a long talk about how we felt about each other, what we plan to do about it going forward, and as many of you suggested what he planned to do next time we hit a rough patch especially since we plan on having a 3rd kid. He told me that the night he cheated still haunted him 10 years later.

He told me how it wasnt worth it one bit and how it was the biggest mistake of his life. He said that if ever we hit a rough patch again, we would talk about it like adults. He even suggested we do couples counseling every now and then even when times are good. I liked this idea.

There are some details about our conversation that I want to keep private but long story short we got back together. We are going to take it slow and in every step we take, we both agreed that our children would take priority over everything. He's not going to move in yet but he would spend a few nights a week at home with us.

Later that night, we sat the kids down and broke the news. Daughter didn't say much cause she already knew but our son was over the moon. Since we divorced when he was a baby, the concept of both his parents being together was quite new to him. They obviously asked questions and we answered them. We're also planning on doing family counseling to help make the transition easier for everybody.

Overall, I'm really happy right now. Mike made a mistake 10 years ago but I don't hold it against him and have completely forgiven him for it. I know he loves me now and won't cheat on me anymore. I'm back together now with the love of my life and father of my kids and I couldn't be happier.

As I type this out, Mike is in the next room playing video games with our son. I'm not entirely sure what the future will look like but I'm happy he's back. Thank you for the advice. It really helped with our talk and how we proceed going forward. I think I'll stay online for an hour or so to reply till the kids are asleep and he comes to bed then it's my turn to have fun. Peace 😁

Sources: Reddit
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