Grieving widow asked to adopt stepchildren by late husband's terminally ill ex-wife + UPDATE
"WIBTA if I didn’t adopt my dead husbands children?"
anonymous-account-87
Hello, I of course know how awful this sounds. But it is a recent development and I’m unsure if I’m completely in the wrong. Before I married my husband he had 3 children with his ex wife who were (2,2, 5) when we got married. His ex was still bitter ( I say this in the most respectful way possible. But it’s true) as they had only been divorced officially for a year.
After that custody was a big issue with us with her and my husband fighting for full custody. Unfortunately we only ended up getting weekends and the complete months of December and July while they were out of school.
So it goes without saying i wasn’t much of a mother figure to them rather than their fathers wife . My husband passed away 2 years ago in an accident and I haven’t seen them aside from the funeral in all that time.
His wife called me up sometime last month to reveal she’s suffering from a terminal illness (a brain tumor) and that she was hoping I could take in the children after she passed.
Both her and my husbands parents are far to old to even care for themselves completely (I still take his mother grocery shopping as she can’t do it alone) and that there was no one else who would be able to care for and support the children in a proper way.
She said her sister suffers from addiction and I’m not sure if that could be something the state would consider if there was truly no one left. I told her I’d consider and needed to think it over and would call her.
In my mind I feel that even though it’s heartbreaking that she has to consider who will care. For her children when she’s dead so soon but I’m not sold and I don’t want to jump in with full custody of 3 children who I haven’t seen in two years AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
chickenrer
NAH. That is a tough decision to make. Good luck.
petit_cochon
NAH but I would personally find it impossible to allow the children of a man I loved to enter foster care. I know this is reddit, and we're all (probably) westerners who strongly believe in taking care of ourselves first and living our best lives and all that shit, but I urge you to consider another perspective.
I work with children in foster care and adults who have aged out of foster care. No happy stories there. I'm 85% certain that 3 kids will be separated and put into different homes because it is almost impossible to find a home that can take 3 kids at once.
It will fragment their relationships forever. It will traumatize them. If they're all lucky, they'll be adopted by nice people - but probably different people. If they're unlucky...they will become one of the kids I work with who makes me cry at night because we just can't pack decades of love and parenting into the limited interaction we get with these kids.
It's not that foster parents are horrible. They're often wonderful. The system is horrible. But some foster parents are horrible. And you'd be leaving it all up to chance.
I urge you also to consider that these young children have lost both parents. This is hard enough for kids, but it will also be hard as they age. You are their only link to their biological parents. If you are at all able, even if it's hard, even if you're filled with doubt, please consider keeping them from an overburdened, underfunded system.
If you cannot take them permanently, can you take temporary custody and work to find adoptive homes for them? Great adoptive parents are out there, but you will be best able to find them if you retain custody, rather than leaving it to the state.
If you feel unfit to be a mother, this is not a good solution, but if you think you can handle it for a while, then maybe you could work with a private adoption agency to place them together in a good home?
Parenting is terrifying. It really is. It's costly and overwhelming, too. But if there is a part of you that is excited or interested, then maybe this is something that would work out well. Children can bring incredible joy into our lives, even as they bring stress.
They can push us to become better, more resilient, more empathetic and caring versions of ourselves. If my husband died, I think I would do almost anything to keep the little pieces of him that were left in the world safe and happy. But that is me, and this is you, so do what you think is right - but just keep in mind that right and easy are often too far apart for human comfort.
themarshmallowdiva
NAH. I'm so sorry this series of events has fallen at your feet. My condolences on the passing of your husband. This is a difficult decision. If you aren't 150% on board, don't even consider it. Children are a LOT of work. Especially someone ELSE's children. This is a very serious decision. I wish you the best of luck in making this difficult choice.
One month later, the OP returned with an update.
anonymous-account-87
I want to thank everyone for their condolences for my husband and the life he lost. I wasn’t sure if it was my right to update this as I’m sure I made a decision most people would think me awful for. But at this point it’s more of a releasing of feelings off my chest.
As you know my husbands ex is ill and I still feel for her greatly with much sympathy and wil pray for her and her children. But it’s been a very long time since I was in anyway a parent to them even as a step mother most of their care went to my husband. I just don’t feel I could properly care for them and myself in my life.
I told her this. And I feel awful that I made her react the way she did. Crying and coughing. There was so much guilt I felt it was awful. But I think I have always known my decision. That I wasn’t going to take in the children. I just didn’t want to acknowledge it because it made me feel awful.
I wish I could tell you where she decided they’re going but after our meeting where I told her my decision it’s been radio silence. As much as I would like to say they’re going to people who are perfect and they’ll be fine. I don’t know. And their mother doesn’t owe me an explanation. But I do wish them and her the best and in the best case scenario I pray for her health.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Youhavemyaxeee
I'm sorry for your loss and the situation. It's incredibly hard for everyone involved. It's clear that you put a lot of thought into your decision.
pearl_pluto
The dark irony is if the mother hadn't been so bitter about the divorce/remarriage and agreed to joint custody, OP may well have developed a close step parent relationship with the kids and wanted to take them.
peter095837
Truly one of the moments where no one is wrong. I wish everything would go smooth for all.
SnooPets8873
Well I feel bad for the kids that their parents couldn’t come to a better coparenting agreement with more equal time with each parent while they were both alive and healthy.
Had they done that, they may have developed stronger relationships with three parental figures and still had a connection with OP strong enough to support a different decision. But it’s a major commitment and one you can’t risk messing up for kids who are already in pain and you don’t really know anymore or have a bond with.
bingbongsf
I feel like people are being so mean to the ex, saying she “brought this upon herself as she was spiteful”. But like, that timeline is super suspicious. OP’s husband got officially divorced when his youngest kids were 1 and then got with OP immediately, and then married only a year later…
Maybe the mother wasn’t perfect, but I highly doubt she was the villain in this story. I feel so bad for her and her children.