'WIBTA if I don’t invite my cousin to my wedding?' 'My mom doesn't want more conflict.'
"WIBTA if I don’t invite my cousin to my wedding?"
I am recently engaged. My dad has a big family, but on mom’s side it’s just her, my grandma, my aunt, and one cousin. I don’t have the highest opinion of my cousin. I didn’t notice it growing up due to an age gap and him not taking much interest in the family (show up to Christmas in time to open his gifts and leave right after, etc.)...
But in adulthood I’ve pretty much gathered that he got all of the worst traits from his parents. He’s self absorbed and acts like he’s better than us despite obvious issues with gambling and alcohol. More importantly, he’s been openly hostile to my mom recently. Demeaning her and even threatening her over her conflicts with my aunt.
Mom’s relationship with her sister is shaky at best. My aunt has always been my grandparents’ favorite child, and so her son was always their favorite grandchild. I love my aunt, but she consistently creates problems between her and my mom because she knows that no matter who starts it or what it’s over, grandma will take her side. Every time. And mom will have to fix it. Every time.
Things have only gotten worse since grandpa died. My aunt has been insufferable. Grandma moved out of her house, but not before my aunt gutted the place for anything of value, sold it, and kept every penny for herself. Grandma tried to give his truck to my brother, who doesn’t have a vehicle, and there was dispute over that for weeks until she was allowed to sell that too.
Everything notably sentimental of my grandpa’s went to my cousin: the flag he was given as a deceased veteran, all of his medals, and the pocket knife he carried every day of my life. I was given a mug that I had never seen before.
I actually wouldn’t have held that against my cousin, if it weren’t for this: When grandpa died, he didn’t come. My brother, my fiancé, and I were there for the whole process. We took time off work to help his wife and daughters while processing our own grief.
I overheard a phone call where this 80-year-old woman who had done everything for him (bailed him out of jail, took him in when his parents abandoned him in high school, anything he needed), asked him through her tears to come be with her…and he wouldn’t come.
My fiancé is very against inviting him to the wedding. In his words “if he doesn’t want to be a part of this family, he doesn’t have to. If he won’t cry with us he doesn’t get to laugh with us.” I am inclined to agree.
The problem is that if I don’t invite him, the damage to my mother’s already fragile family unit might be irreparable. My aunt will never forgive me, or her for not making me invite him, and grandma will be devastated that I don’t want my cousin there.
The truth is, even if I invite him, he likely won’t come, so I might be creating an issue where there doesn’t need to be one. Also important to note: my mom hasn’t asked me to exclude him. She doesn’t want more conflict. I am the one who doesn’t want him there. So, wibta if I just didn’t invite him?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Maximum-Ad1146 said:
NTA - It’s your wedding you and a time for you to celebrate. If inviting someone could interfere with that in anyway then why invite them? Also, it doesn’t sound like you have a close relationship to your aunt and cousin anyways.
BJGuy_Chicago said:
NTA. It's your wedding, invite who you want. Period. I'll add this though: If it was me, I'd never send him an invite, but say you did. You know he's not going to show, so why waste the postage? Is it "ethical?" Nah, but it saves drama.
Foofieness said:
Honestly? YTA. Actions have consequences and while I understand your feelings the consequences of not inviting him will not fall on you and your fiance, they will be taken out on your mother and grandmother. Suck it up for him. Weddings are busy and you won't have to spend more than ten minutes with him.
Speak to your photographer and make sure he's on the end of every family picture and you get a few without him so he can be cut out. There are ways of doing this no one will notice. But invite him and spare your mama the drama.
M312345 said:
NTA, but is he the type that if you don't invite him, will he show up and create a scene to spite you? Frankly, I wouldn't be inviting the aunt either, that whole family seems terrible and the aunt would probably harass you the entire wedding for not inviting her precious baby boy.
FyvLeisure said:
NTA. Don’t invite him. There is already no salvaging your mother’s side if the family, so you might as well just go ahead with what you actually want.
MaterialMonitor6423 said:
NTA. Absolutely not. It's time to purge those from your life that annoy you and create conflict. It's important to do this before you get married so that you don't drag nonsense into your relationship.