Prenatal test reveals Down syndrome, wife changes mind, husband considers divorce. AITA?
"WIBTA if I wanted nothing to do with my wife and child?"
throwawayaita2485838
My (35M) wife (32F) and I have been together for 8 years. As with any couple, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we are a generally happy couple and we love each other a lot.
We’ve spoken about having children many times, and I was always very clear about the context in which I would be comfortable having children. I always envisioned myself having children with my wife, but I was also as open as I could possibly be about one specific thing:
If she gets pregnant, I would want genetic testing done, and I would want an abortion to happen if the test showed severe problems like Down syndrome. I told my wife this was a deal breaker before we got married, going so far as to say several times in the past that refusing to these terms would be a divorce.
I just honestly don’t want to be a parent to a child with a severe cognitive disability if I can help it. I’ve seen many people in my life raise children with severe developmental delays. It seems extremely difficult. A handful of them have expressed regret of having the children directly to me, and I don’t imagine I would handle it well personally.
Of course, if our child happened to develop an issue after birth, that’s another story, and I would understand that that’s the hand I’d been dealt. I would be more than willing to do what I could to raise the child in as happy and healthy of an environment possible.
But, if we can test for it and have an abortion than that is 100% what I would want to happen, and that is the only term I had when agreeing to have children.
She agreed to this throughout every time it has come up. She seemingly always understood where I was coming from, agreeing to this boundary fully. Since she always agreed, it seemed natural to start trying for kids once we were ready financially. We started trying for kids, and she got pregnant, so we arranged for testing when she hit around 2 months.
We got the results back and, as you can imagine, the child would end up with Down syndrome if we brought it to term. My wife and I were very upset about this as we were really looking forward to having our first child, but I mentioned we would need to schedule an abortion. She said she wants to keep it.
It has been 2 months now, and after more arguments than I could’ve imagined, she is not budging, and I’m at a loss as to what to do. I love my wife with my whole heart, but I also feel somewhat betrayed.
I was very proactive in communicating the fact that this was a hard boundary for me, and I would, under no circumstances, want to have a child with down syndrome or something like it if I could avoid it, nor would I have married her or agreed to have children with her if she did not agree with this, which she did… until she got pregnant.
I’m now heavily leaning towards getting a divorce and arranging for child support if she goes through with the pregnancy. I’ve communicated this to my wife, to which she cried and said I’m a piece of shit for saying that.
Before I finish let me head off what I imagine will be some things I’ve already thought about that people might bring up: 1) No, I don’t think all people with genetic disorders should be aborted.
Abortion is a family planning decision, and for my personal family planing, this is the decision I’ve come to. 2) I understand that many people have children with disabilities who go on to have fulfilling parenthood experiences.
Thinking about myself, and my personality, that probably won’t be me. 3) “What would you just abandon you wife/child if they got into any serious medical problem?”
No, I’d just prefer to avoid those situations if possible, and, in this case, my wife agreed to it until she got pregnant, and only then changed her mind, thus the problem.
4) I understand how being faced with the actual pregnancy could lead to a change in her perspective, but I don’t feel the same. I’ve thought as deeply as I can about this, and I feel broken up about it. Thoughts?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
MiniBassGuitar
Not gonna throw any blame. You need an incredible amount of resources to parent a child with Down syndrome. We grew up with a cousin who had Down syndrome and he was a loved and important part of our family. He lived well into his 60s and had a job at a supermarket in Florida, where he lived in a group home and was very well cared for.
I am pro-choice and pro-child: I don’t think anybody, F or M, should become a parent against their will, and I don’t think any child should be unwanted. I’m also incredibly proud of my cousin’s parents because he was born at a time when such children were institutionalized immediately. RIP, cousin John. You had a meaningful life and we loved you.
Edited to add: This was a family with money, and they needed it to give John the best life he could have. That’s part of what I meant about “resources” and why I can’t argue with OP’s position.
Left-Star2240
I had an elderly client whose son had Down syndrome. I remember her pain when she had to send him to an assisted living center. At that point she also needed assistance. She’d had to send her son to a home because she could no longer care for him.
ThunderKat99
No matter what you or your wife does, your marriage is over. If she continues the pregnancy, you'll leave. If she has an abortion, she'll resent you. If you stay, you'll resent her and the baby.
If the test is wrong and your baby comes out healthy after you've left, there's no chance for reconciliation. So, if you want to stick with your original plan, then do what you have to do. Sometimes, those tests give false positives and sometimes they give false negatives because it's just a screening to estimate the chances of having downs syndrome.
Nadina89019374682
NTA - you made it very clear. Also can you do an amnio jusr to confirm it is downs?? My SIL was given that diagnosis at 10 weeks and they did the amnio and baby was fine.
LetsGetsThisPartyOn
NTA. I totally understand that decision. Raising a child with special needs is difficult. Aborting an 8 week old fetus sounds logical. But your wife is attached to the fetus. I can see both sides and agree with both sides. Neither of you is wrong here. You’re just not compatible.