'WIBTA for not letting my best friend stay at my house again after she told me we’re not family?'

"WIBTA for not letting my best friend stay at my house again after she told me we’re 'not family?'"

My best friend of 12 years and I just had a situation that really hurt me. She’s been staying at my house with my family for the past month—this isn’t the first time she’s stayed long-term. We treat her like family, and I’ve always said I view my close friends as chosen family.

Last week, we went on a trip to Miami. On the last day, we were tired and rushing to pack. I had borrowed a pair of her sneakers (she told me not to pack more sneakers cause I can borrow hers), I packed my heels and purses that we planned to share. I assumed I’d be wearing the sneakers I used for the airport to leave to come back home.

That morning, she decided to wear them instead—which is totally fine, duh, they’re hers. She offered me another pair, but I didn’t want to wear those. I noticed another pair outside her suitcase and asked if I could wear them. She danced around the question, beat around the bush, I then said “you don’t want me to wear these right?” She said no. I responded, “Just say that then.”

I’ll admit my tone was frustrated. I didn’t yell or try to start anything, I know I sounded irritated. Later, we talked about it and she told me my comment felt like “fighting words.” Literal physical fighting. I explained I wasn’t trying to be hostile—I was tired and frustrated, and I apologized. It wasn’t that deep TO ME.

Then she said something that really hurt me: “I talk to my sisters like that, but we’re just friends, not family, so that’s not acceptable between us.” That stung. She’s been sleeping in my bed, helping cook for my family, sharing life with us for weeks.

(Not to say because of this that I can speak to her however, I understand where she was coming from on that but her saying THIS sprouted a completely separate issue) I’ve always seen her as family, even if we’re not blood.

I said, “You’re staying in my house,” and she backtracked: “Don’t get it twisted, you are family—but friends shouldn’t talk like that.” Still, the damage was done. I feel like I crossed a line once, but she dismissed the whole foundation of our bond.

I told her again that I didn’t mean it that way, that I’m not perfect, and sometimes when my patience runs thin, I slip up. I’ve had similar issues with family too. It really only happens when I reach a point and that rarely happens.

During our talk, I also brought up that she was in a mood that morning too—short and not her usual self. I asked her to acknowledge that, but she didn’t. She didn’t apologize or reflect on her own energy at all.

Then, mid-convo, she goes, “Me and [our other friend] are going to North Carolina this weekend if you want to come—it’s an open invitation I guess.” The way she said it felt weird. After everything, that “I guess” rubbed me the wrong way.

For context, she’s invited me to visit her in California too (I haven’t been able to go), so she’s not a bad friend. But right now, I feel really hurt. I opened my home and heart, and after one miscommunication, I’m being told we’re “not family?" I’m considering not letting her stay with me again, just to protect my peace. WIBTA for setting that boundary?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Mermaidtoo said:

If you are accommodating your friend more than you’d prefer, then you should scale back a bit. I read some of your comments and how you shared shoes does seem a bit off - as though it benefitted your friend more than it did you. It may be worth considering the dynamics of your relationship.

If you gave your friend free rein over your heels & bags yet she didn’t do the same for you, then your comment was justified. You had reason to feel & express your frustration. Her condemning you for being only a friend then seems disingenuous - a way to say you had no right to be critical of her. That’s problematic.

I get that you’re focused on the friend vs family bit but that might not be the true conflict. You hosted her for a month, she’s a regular guest, and she’s your best friend of 12 yrs.

Given all that, it seems weird that she’d react so strongly to your negative comment. Friends like you are do generally disagree and even occasionally bicker. Are you both so polite that’s not true for you? Or do you normally just give in to her? NTA.

Candid-Career8377 said:

So you had a human moment and you apologized for it. She also had a human moment but didn't apologize, while also saying something that was really hurtful. Yikes! It's totally understandable why you would not want to be around her anymore. What she said definitely change the Dynamics of your relationship.

I say take a couple weeks or a month to sit with the feelings, think about exactly why it is that you're upset, and what you want done to resolve the conflict. If she hasn't reached out to you by then, then you reach out to her and see if y'all can have a calm discussion about what happened.

Maybe she is going through something that you don't know about and this is the way that it came out. For a long friendship like that, I say give it a chance. But if at the end of the conversation you still don't feel good about the relationship, then let it go.

Whether you tell her directly that you don't wish to continue the relationship with her or you just quietly quit, that's completely up to you. Not every relationship is a forever one and perhaps this one has run its course. Good luck! NTA.

myironlions said:

NTA. She seems to be signaling she feels a little differently about your bond than you do. Since you don’t feel heard and the conversation didn’t really yield what you needed, now may be a good time to take a small step back from each other - just for now, perhaps. Life is long and people sometimes grow and change. A friendship can expand and contract, deepen and breathe, go dormant, or fully end over the years.

sarcasmf said:

NTA, kick her to the curb she’s way too comfortable. So she can stay in your house sleep in your bed eat your food but you can’t wear a pair of sneakers. She’s going to crash out over that. Forget her.

ThrowawayCAN123456 said:

NTA. She’s not a good friend, good friends wouldn’t say that in the first place to you, and if they did, they could admit they said something hurtful if they cared about your feelings. Her "invitation" to NC doesn’t sound like an invitation to me. You’re better off without someone who can’t even appreciate you.

DuckStreet7247 said:

Your are NTA. I see the sneakers as representations for your relationship with your best friend. She offers you the ugly sneaker because that's how much she values you in the friendship. She wears the one you want to wear as a signal of dominance. Lastly she prevents you from wearing the new pair to maintain control in the friendship.