'WIBTA if I reject naming my baby after my fiancé's dying sister?' 'I want this to STOP.'

"WIBTA if I reject naming my baby after my fiancé's dying sister?"

I'm (30f) pregnant with our first. My fiancé (31m) and I have been planning to get married for a while now and settled on next year. The reason for this is very sad. And Im not blaming her at all for this but his sister has cancer. Every time we planned for something she would get sicker and we put the plans on hold.

We decided on next year because then we'll be together 10 years and thought it'll be cute to do it on our anniversary. The sister also seemed to start getting better and we were so happy.

But as it turns out she's not getting better and we got the surprise of the lifetime getting the news that were pregnant. My fiancé was so excited he told his parents. (They live with the sister in another country). We found out before we got the news how bad it's going for her.

But since we found out his mother and him as well have been dropping hints that we name the baby after his sister. They already gave me some options if it's a boy. Or if it's a girl. Luckily not naming the child her name directly but they give variations of it. And I don't want to. I haven't liked a single name they've proposed.

I don't want to be the b now and say no go screw yourself while everyone is waiting for her to pass but, I also want this to stop. We don't even know the damn gender yet and I don't want my child to be a reminder of an aunt they'll never meet if she passes before my due date. So WIBTA if I don't name my baby after her and with that tell them now while they're grieving?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

CandylandCanada said:

NTA. Kids shouldn't be born with jobs or burdens. "MIL, I appreciate the input, but we are focused on bringing a healthy baby into the world. *We'll* decide on a name when the time is right for us."

You don't need to tell her now or ever that you don't want to use SIL's name or any variation of it. MIL can find out along with everyone else once you've finalized the documentation. Now you have to hope that fiancé doesn't buckle under the pressure.

Bibliophile_w_coffee said:

NTA. Phrase how you reject it carefully. “I will not attempt to erase SIL by giving someone else her name.” “I want my child to have her own legacy and also be able to share memories of SIL with pressure to live up to a legacy.”

Or “I know how much fiancé adores his sister, I don’t want his child to see that grief and loss every time he says their name, they deserve for their name to be joyous with him, and then he doesn’t have to hold back anything when he tells them about his sister.”

OldSaggytitBiscuits said:

NAH, these folks are anticipating a painful loss, and are trying to find ways to cope. I personally find the gesture beautiful, but it's not my kid. At the same time, you both have to like the names, it can't just be one of you. Would you concede to a middle name for the child after the aunt (or some other variation)? That'd be a good compromise, I think everyone should consider something like that.

MoonberryXDust said:

NTA. It's your baby, not a grief monument. You can love and honor his sister without naming your kid after her. Shut it down gently but firm this ain’t a group project.

VogonShakespeare said:

NAH, but one thing to remember is it’s not just your kid. It’s your husbands kid too. If he wants to have some memorial for his sister honored in your child’s name, I think the question to ask yourself is this: does your love and support for him in this incredibly heartbreaking situation outweigh your distaste for the name?

I think the best solution here is to approach your husband, have an open and honest discussion about how important this aspect of the name is to him (because who knows maybe it’s his Mom pushing him on it and he finds it weird).

If it is important to him, gently bring up that you haven’t loved any of the names so far and maybe work towards one you like (or at least are neutral towards) and use it as a middle name?

owls_and_cardinals said:

You're NTA for having this opinion but I feel like I'm picking up some red flags that are making you dangerously close to an AH for me. You seem to blame his sister for your delayed wedding, or possibly have some resentment, or even impatience, around her failing health and the impact that's had on you. I hope I'm wrong because that's not a good look.

While your MIL and extended family DO NOT get a say in the baby's name, your fiancee most certainly DOES. I worry you're lumping him in with the rest of them and somewhat denying his role in the naming of your child, which is also not ok. He might feel strongly that the child's name reflect his sister, and I honestly think you should entertain that.