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'AITA if I don't tell the guy I've started dating that I'm having artificial insemination?' UPDATED

'AITA if I don't tell the guy I've started dating that I'm having artificial insemination?' UPDATED

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"WIBTA by not telling a guy I've been dating for a month that I'm having artificial insemination to be a single mother?"

Recently, I decided to be a single mother by choice. The journey to accepting this has taken 2 years, and included counselling and a very thorough plan to ensure I could do this alone.

I was happy with my decision, and I was at a good place in life where i realised my desire to be a mother was stronger than looking for partner, which may or may not happen - and with my fertility declining, I chose to go down this path as a solo woman.

Right before I was due to have artificial insemination with donor sperm, the pandemic hit, and treatments were cancelled. There was no timeline for when things may reopen. For a few days I was devastated as I was so mentally prepared for this, and then I picked myself up and decided to park my plan - after all I didn't have a choice.

I downloaded a dating app out of curiosity and figured that I could still chat to guys and see what happened, without any expectation really. I've been talking with a guy (let's call him G) and it's only been a month, so very early stage. However, we've met up twice (with a 3rd meeting planned), spoken many times on the phone, and I get a really good feeling from him.

For the first time in years, quite frankly, I feel emotionally connected with a man, and it feels completely natural and promising. During this time, my clinic called me to say they have had approval to open, and do i wish to go ahead this month with my treatment. I want to be a mother more than ever, so I said yes, and I'm now on medication with my appointment set for next week.

While there's no guarantee i'll get pregnant on the first go, I have a conflict in my mind about informing G of my plan. On the one hand it's at such an early stage of our romance without yet being anything committed that I feel like I'm bringing something up prematurely. On the other hand, I wonder what may happen as time goes on - am I just delaying the inevitable?

Is it deceptive of me not to inform him of something so fundamental in my life? A friend told me that I'd sabotage a potential relationship with him by telling him of this plan right now, and that a man who is really into me will accept me even if I'm pregnant, and that more time is needed for him to really get to know me.

But in my mind I'm wondering if it will piss him off by suddenly saying 'hey I'm pregnant, btw'. We've spoken loosely about wanting kids in the future, so I know he'd like a family, but it was a brief, passing comment. I'm also not willing to wait to get into a long term relationship - and we are far too early on to be thinking about a family together. WIBTA by keeping quiet about the plan for now?

What do you think? AITA if she doesn't tell him the truth, even this early in the relationship? This is what top commenters had to say about it:

said:

Sorry but YTA. This is VERY IMPORTANT information that you should share so he can make a decision as to wether they want to build a relationship with you. Before it was just you: now you are involving another person, who honestly you really don’t need at all if you primary goal is just to have a child.

You should let him know while it’s still early in the process and he’s not that attached: waiting would be trapping them

[deleted] said:

YWBTA. Doing that is your right (and congrats!) But I do think a partner has a right to know about it. Unless its more of a casual hookup, then perhaps it isn't any of his business. But I'm assuming it is more serious than that.

said:

YTA, this is a big development in your life(congratulations) and he should know before he gets really invested in the relationship.

said:

YWBTA. A month is definitely long enough to talk about things that may affect your relationship with this person long term. You said you have wanted to be a mother more than anything. He needs to know that. If you don’t tell him you’re not doing right by him and you’re not being true to yourself.

If your goal is motherhood, and you’ve decided to potentially take on a partner going forward, you need to find someone who will support you in that journey. It may be scary and you may lose him now, but I can tell you I’d be WAY more upset (even if I were supportive of your decision) if I found out months into dating you. You’ve got to tell him.

said:

ywbta. already kind of are? you should have told him about your plans initially, probably when you, as you said, talked about possible future kids. Since this is a set plan with dates and everything.

By not telling him you're sabotaging a possible relationship even more. think about this problem: you tell him you're pregnant. Do you really think he'd just believe you were artificially inseminated? he'd probably think you're dating someone else on the side.

Tell him. So he can prepare himself or decide it's not for him. He has the right to know, if you really want him in your life, even if he doesnt have the right to tell you not to do it.

Commenters overwhelmingly agreed: NTA.

OP later shared this significant update:

A month ago I asked if I WBTA for not telling a guy I had only started dating that I had plans to become a single mother. I was scared I'd lose him but also felt I would be deceiving him by not telling him, thus making the investment in our relationship unfair. The comments were pretty much unanimous that I'm an AH, and I needed to tell him, and this validated my decision to be honest, as nervous as I was.

I explained my situation about taking 2 yrs to come to this decision, how my fertility clinic had shut due to the pandemic which was why I had gone back onto dating apps. I explained how my clinic had reopened after meeting him, and how important it was to me to continue in my journey to become a mother.

I knew this was 'baggage' he hadn't expected and that there was every chance he would step away from the situation. Well, he didn't. We're now in a committed relationship and he's been supporting me in my journey. I've had 2 unsuccessful artificial inseminations with donor sperm (my original plan), and we've spoken about having a child together.

As early on as it may seem, he told me my honesty made him consider his own future and how he really wants a family some day, and how he has admiration for me being honest about my situation and how he wants to help my fulfil my desires to be a mother, whether with him or with donor sperm - either way he wants to be a part of my life.

I wanted to provide this update as a positive outcome has come out of being labelled an @$$hole and it pushed me to do the right thing, which has in turn meant I have the most understanding and accepting bf. Had I kept this info from him it would have played on my conscience, as well as most likely have caused him to not trust me. So thank you : )

Sources: Reddit
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