'AITA if I don’t include my wife on a trip I planned for my longtime friend?' UPDATED 2X

"WIBTAH if I don’t include my wife on a trip I planned for my friend?"

I (30m) have been friends with A (29f) since we were 15/16 years old. When we were still teenagers A picked up smoking from her friends, she didn't do it much and she said she knew the risks and wanted to stop.

As encouragement to get her to quit I made a deal with her. We both share a love of cars and motorsports so the deal was that if she never picked up a cigarette again, I would fly us out to and get grandstand tickets for her favorite F1 race, obviously once we were older and not broke teenagers.

Admittedly 16 year old me did not take all the costs into consideration but I still wanted to uphold my end of the deal. A and I have always had a sibling like relationship and my wife knows that. Nothing has ever happened between us and A even helped to set me up with my now wife (30f) and was a 'grooms-woman' at the wedding.

This year the time finally came when I had the money, time and circumstances for this trip. My wife has always known about this deal I have with A since we met 9 years ago. She's never had a problem with it and even found it "wholesome" in her words. Her and A have a good relationship, they aren't best friends or anything but they get along quite well.

Anyway in September, I booked the tickets to the race as well as flights and the trip is going to be around A's birthday next year. I had always thought that it was known that the trip was going to be just me and A as per the deal we made ages ago and when I was booking the tickets in September I mentioned this and my wife had 0 problems with it.

Then a couple days ago my wife mentions how she's so excited for the trip and I gently let her know that I have only booked two tickets for the race and flights. She was upset about this and I was really confused because I thought I had made it clear that this trip was for A and it would just be us two.

She asked me if I could add another ticket to the race but it's all sold out so l cant really. And then she asked if I could add another plane ticket anyway and I'm not inclined to do that as, and I know this sounds childish, but this was a me and A thing since we made the deal.

My wife has seemed really upset about this and is barely talking to me and the one time we have seen A since then she was very cold towards her. I don’t know if she doesn’t trust me or if it’s because of some insecurity. WIBTAH if I don't include my wife?

Comments came rolling in.

Ladypoe1207 wrote:

Have you ever taken your wife on an expensive trip like this before (not including your honeymoon if you even did a trip for it)? I'm asking because the way the post sounds, it seems that this is the first time you've had enough money to go on a vacation and you used it to fund a trip with a friend that doesn't even include your wife. You're TA, anyways, but if that's the case it's even worse.

OP responded:

Yes my wife and I have taken trips together.

Breqscousin wrote:

INFO:

Where is this money coming from? Do you and your wife get equal spending money, and this is coming from your spending money pot? Will you have to take time off work for this trip?

Will your using your money and time off work significantly impact on your ability to do nice things with your wife this year? Does your wife get the opportunity to go away with friends without you? Has there ever been any hint of impropriety between you and your friend? In theory this is a perfectly fine thing for you to be doing, but there are a lot of other factors that could make it not fine.

123_LGB wrote:

WTF F1 are insanely expensive weekends. When was the last time you dropped thousands of dollars on a trip for your wife. YTA.

OP responded:

Last time I spent around the same on a trip with my wife was last year.

Womaninquestion wrote:

Is this the first time you’ve been able to afford a fancy vacation? If so, I can imagine your wife is hurt that, after all this time saving for something fun, you go off with your bf and leave her at home.

OP responded:

No my wife and I have had other vacations before as well.

Not long after posting, OP jumped on with two updates.

Edit: Yes I had a big fat sit down conversation with my wife about this before I booked anything and I broke down my plans and all the costs (covered by money I had saved on my own) and my wife was completely fine with everything, until now.

Edit 2: Talked to my wife and currently booking my her onto our flight and my hotel room. I guess I can see where people are coming from with the YTA judgement but I still think she should have said she wanted to come sooner as I did make it clear.

Because like I said, and people seem o be overlooking, I clearly communicated everything with her told her all the details and everything, she was fine with it all until she wasn’t.

The internet continued to be invested.

PoorAlligatorfish wrote:

Soooo your wife thought she was going and you let her down by saying she wasn’t. She says why don’t you buy another race ticket, you say it’s sold out. She offers a compromise and says, okay fine let’s just get another plane ticket. And you say “this is a me and A thing." So basically you don’t want her there and she’s upset with you.

You need to sort out who is a priority in your life. If you’re married your priority is your partner, and it doesn’t sound like she is….

Why don’t you want her there? And saying this is a “me and A thing” isn’t a good enough answer btw.

BartoktheBat wrote:

Edit: OPs wife is also stay at home wife. He didn't save his money. He saved their money. Use that in your judgements.

YTA. This is a perfect example of gaslighting. Your wife has every right to be upset. You lied to her. And now you're coming online to be like "guys my wife doesn't trust me she's insecure".

Firstly let's break this down to the fact this is something you promised as a child to get another child to stop smoking. Do you keep all the promises you made as a child? Your brain wasn't fully formed when you made that promise, it's fully formed now. Secondly don't even want your wife to come with you, just to be in the same location whilst you and your "friend" are at the race?

That's suspicious as all hell. You'd hardly even see her! Thirdly, you clearly didn't mention at any point this trip was just between you and your friend. You've used cagey enough language to the point your wife thought she was coming with you.

You'll have said "tickets are x, flights are y, hotel is z" in the big grown up chat you guys had about finance. You won't have said "TWO tickets are x, TWO flights are y" and I'll be amazed if you've two hotel rooms rather than one. And if you did say two, you'll have not made it clear that you're fully funding this trip for your friend.

youmustbejokin wrote:

I think if you take this trip without your wife you are going to drive a huge wedge between your wife and you as well as make it very difficult for your wife to not have animosity towards your girl best friend.

I also think your this is just our thing raises even more red flags than you are acknowledging. You may greatly love your friend but you love and live with your wife. Be smart. Don’t make your life harder than it needs to be.

And I bet your friend would not mind your wife coming with. Also your whole I can’t get a race ticket is kinda weak. You can get them on second hand sellers or with people who unexpectedly can’t go. Or she can do something else while the race occurs. It’s your reactions to your wife going that makes it seem more suspicious.

And if your wife knew something she was going to do would hurt you and make you uncomfortable but proceeded to do it, that would really make you question her actual feelings for you. In marriage we try to not overtly do things that we know will hurt the other person. How will her tagging along hurt you?