'AITA for making my teens (16M and 14F) share a bedroom?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for making my teens (16M and 14F) share a bedroom?"

My husband unexpectedly passed away a few months ago, and I became a single mother to 3 kids. Age 16M, 14F and 2F. Due to the significant decrease of income, I was no longer able to continue renting where we were, and I all I can afford is a 1 bedroom apartment.

Currently, I am sleeping in the living room with my youngest 2F. I gave the bedroom to my 16M and 14F and asked them to share in the meanwhile.

I tried adding a privacy screen in the middle so they feel like they have their own space, but they are telling me that this isn't acceptable. They say it's inappropriate. Each of my kids used to have their own rooms, so this is a massive change for them.

I have been looking for a better paying job for months and so far have had no luck. I can't get a 2nd job because I can't afford to pay someone to care for my daughter 2F outside daycare hours. Neither of my kids 16M and 14F are willing to help, and they say my youngest is not their responsibility.

I know this situation isn't ideal, but I don't know what else I can do. For the past month, I've not been eating anything for 2 days a week and just telling the kids I'm trying out the fasting trend for weight loss purposes.

But the truth is, I can't afford to feed us all, and I have been using the food bank. Prior to this, I had never had to use food bank services before, and I am so thankful that it exists. I am both thankful and deeply ashamed at the same time.

Would I be the AH for telling my teens that they must share the bedroom? Would it be better if I suggested my son sleep in the living room with me and have both my female kids share the bedroom instead?

I do not live in the US but it is not common for teenagers of opposite se% to share a bedroom. That is something I do absolutely recognize.

Here are some responses to OP:

civilwa writes:

They've noticed for sure. I think there's a big difference in observing big changes in the family and your parent talking to you about those changes. The first can make a kid feel alienated and anxious.

The second can make them feel important and like their parent trusts them. Especially with teenagers. They're old enough to have a conversation about what's happening.

At the moment they're likely feeling a loss of control along with their grief and confusion. Telling them the truth, being vulnerable, and including them in what's happening could go a long way.

feist writes:

My mom raised me alone and was always upfront with me when we faced financial challenges. She explained what was going on and what her plan was. We don’t have enough $ for rent and a sofa, so we’re going to sit on the floor for a while until we can afford both.

Our car broke down and that’s expensive, so we don’t have enough to buy everything at the supermarket this week; so we’re going to go to the food pantry first and then focus on buying ingredients to fill out what we get there.

She used it as opportunities to teach me about finances, budgeting, and saving. The reality is that most people are various levels of poor, and kids need to be taught how to navigate it because being poor can kill you easily.

I credit my mom’s honesty and openness with why I’m a financially stable adult with a good grasp of my cost of living and cash flow.

This is literally what it means to raise your kid to have a better life than you do. I hope I can raise my future children similarly, teach them my own lessons, and they will grow up even more comfortable and financially savvy.

elioanab writes:

I'm so sorry you're in this position. NAH you're all grieving and probably in shock. Please (gently) tell your teenagers about the food bank, for a few reasons. First, if they know they may be more willing to help out with the 2yo and free up a bit more of your time.

Second, it's not at all fair they they are having to grow up so fast, but keeping the full situation from them won't be good in the long run (or good for you! You need support too!) Finally - they deserve to know.

They may be thinking all sorts of untrue and upsetting things in their grief, and being all on the same page really does make communication and compromise easier. It's the only way we really can compromise, and compromise is what you're (justifiably) asking of them.

Also, there's absolutely no shame in using food banks. They're there to be used. You're in a really difficult spot at the moment and your resilience in dealing with everything and using every resource at your disposal is impressive, not shameful

cofess6 writes:

NTA. You've just lost your husband. Your kids have lost their dad. In all honesty, they are likely upset about the bedroom as that is something safe to complain about right now. {Yes, sharing a bedroom with a sibling is annoying, but being suddenly close to homeless with insufficient food and losing your dad is a much bigger deal}

First, you need to eat and the older kids need to help out for both of your sakes. Ask the kids to help find other sources of food/food banks etc... Get them involved and helpful. Go for the free family dinners. Find other things that will give away food. Have them check at their school for resources.

The schools often have people who understand what resources are available (Councelling, free food, part time job). Praise them and thank them for their help for anything they can find. Don't feel the tiniest bit ashamed. The resources are there to help people.

Some people will tell you the kids are too young for this, but they already know things are dreadful. Get them involved in helping and they will feel more in control and more secure.

They shouldn't feel that they need to solve anything, but they should be able to help out. You need to acknowledge to the kids that things are tough right now, but you will get through this, together, as a family.

Edits from OP:

Edit: Gosh, I really wasn't expecting so many responses when I checked back. Thank you, everyone. All this time, I did feel it would be unfair to put adult problems on my kids. However, I will be giving them a surface level talk about our finances. I'll also be bringing them with me to the food bank. Hopefully, they'll be more understanding.

Edit 2: (Same Day)

The bedroom is larger than the living room. I am able to fit 2 single beds into the bedroom and the kids have space to store their clothes while still having the room divider in the middle. The living room is smaller.

I currently have my youngest and my own clothes stored in the hallway due to lack of space. It is right next to the washroom and kitchen, so there is a lot of foot traffic. The living room also doubles as dining space because there is no dining room.

Update:

I had a chat with my kids after work. I still don't want to put an adult problem onto my kids, so I only gave them a brief overview of the dire financial issues we're having after my husband/their father passed away. Us downsizing to a 1 bedroom apartment was not by choice.

I also told them the truth about how I couldn't afford to feed us all and why I didn't eat 2 days of the week. I was afraid of how they would take the news, but it had gone better than I expected. My kids will be coming with me to the food bank for the next trip to help out.

In terms of the rooming situation, both my older kids agreed that they did not want to share a room with my youngest 2F because she frequently wakes up at night and also has accidents.

They also don't want to share with me because I get up much earlier than them to work, and it would disrupt their sleep. They would rather share the room with each other while I continue to sleep in the living room with my youngest.

My 16M and 14F told me that their friends were saying no kid should ever have to watch their sibling because they didn't create them.

They've been told by their friends that it's parentification to be asked to babysit for even an hour, and it is never okay in any circumstance. That was why they kept calling me an asshole when I asked if they could help with childcare so I could get a 2nd job.

Now that they know how bad the situation is, my son said he wants to find a part time job to help contribute. My daughter apologized and said it wasn't that she hated me or her sister.

Both my son and daughter said they are willing to help take care of the youngest so I can get a 2nd job. Hopefully, I can find something soon and be able to move to a larger space.

But I was called an irresponsible parent for pushing my responsibility onto them initially. I asked because I didn't see any other choice. Family helps family. There wasn't anyone else I could have asked.

About a month later OP came back with this update:

Since my last post explaining my housing situation, I have found a night shift job working security. It only pays minimum wage, and I only get 25 hours per week, but it's at least something. I now work 2 jobs.

So far this job has been very relaxed. There honestly isn't much to do during my shifts, so I'm trying to save up enough money so I can move to somewhere larger as well as take an online training program while working.

I already asked my manager and he said he was okay with me taking remote training while on my shift, as long as there truly is nothing to do and it doesn't negatively impact my ability to work when needed. Hopefully, I can find a better job after upskilling.