'I got mad at my wife after she answered my hypothetical question and I didn't like the answer. AITA?' UPDATED
"I got mad at my wife after she answered my hypothetical question and I didn't like the answer. AITA?"
Background: I work, she doesn't. I make >$200k, so she doesn't really have to work. However, she came into the marriage with $40k in CC debt so I asked her to get a job just to pay her CCs off then she can quit.
As she was browsing job posts yesterday she came across one where the upper end of the salary range was over $300k and she joked that she might be making more than me, maybe thinking that I would be insecure about it.
On the contrary, I told her I would love that because we could then split the bills. She immediately said no. I thought she was joking, but she was not. I was caught off guard and pressed her on it, and asked if she would really not contribute even if she was making more than me.
She said she would contribute, but took issue with splitting 50/50, saying she would never do that, even if she made more than me. Keep in mind, this is all hypothetical and it's very unlikely she would make more than me, but it still bothered me and it turned into a (mini) fight.
I decided to drop it, but I woke up this morning and it's still kinda bothering me. Is it stupid for me to be upset about a hypothetical situation that is unlikely to ever happen (like am I doing the "would you still love me if I was a worm?" thing?). AITA?
EDIT: These questions have come up repeatedly so I'm answering here.
Does she do the housework? No. I do most of it. She says I like it OCD-level clean so it's my responsibility.
Does she do the cooking? No. We used to both cook, but she doesn't like to cook anymore so now it's just me. Although we get takeout a lot so I'm not coming every day.
Do you have kids? No. Not planning on kids either.
SECOND EDIT: How is it possible she has such a high credit line if she's unemployed? She had a job making about $100k. Lost her job last year during mass layoffs at her company. She had the credit cards already.
Why did she rack up so much debt? Was it medical bills? She got a pretty sweet severance package and lived off of that for a while. She started freelancing and I assumed she was making enough to squeak by. She wasn't. She covered the difference with her CCs for almost a year.
THIRD EDIT: How did you not talk about this before? You mean, how did I not ask her if she one day made more than me would we split the bills 50/50? It's a near impossibility that she would ever make more than me. Never crossed my mind to ask. This all started as a joke.
More FAQs: Why would you marry her if you knew this? We've been together over eight years, recently got married. She's had a job making decent money, she paid her own rent/bills/etc. She used to help with the cooking and cleaning, but that eventually stopped.
What does she do all day? To be honest, I don't really want to get into that. This was supposed to be a question about getting upset over a hypothetical situation. I was worried I was being stupid for caring. Turned into something much bigger.
What do you get out of the marriage? We've been together for a long time. We started dating when I was a broke grad student living with three roommates. I worked hard, got several promotions, and my salary kept rising.
What I get out of the relationship is not measured in dollars or chores. It's about the love I have for her, and the love I get from her. It's about how I feel when I'm with her, how I can be completely myself around her without ever feeling judged. Basically everything you want from a relationship minus the dollars and chores.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
She has massive CC debt, doesn't work, doesn't clean and doesn't cook.
This isn't your wife, she's your sugar baby.
She's effectively using you for money.
NTA - huge red flag from her, IMO. Not the first either ($40k in cc debt).
No, it's not weird that it bothers you even though it's hypothetical. It says something not-nice about her bent of mind and/or character.
. . . You got 2 choices here
Accept that that will likely never come to pass and it's silly to worry about a fake future since it won't change your day to day.
Or have a more in depth conversation about this. Try to understand if she really sees more value in her hypothetical assets than she does in your very real ones. That's a concerning thing she said.
That sounds like if you were big sick or disabled she would not get her ass in gear and support you. You need so many more conversations about this and maybe a mediator like a therapist because whoa.
I woulda laughed at her for her thinking she can get a 300k a year job after sitting on the couch for years….
Low-Witness2915 (OP)
She was clearly joking, and I did kinda laugh. At first.
Did she say why? Does she have some kind of view that financial support is a man’s job? Is she just cheap?
Low-Witness2915 (OP)
Not 100% sure. She did say she would contribute, just not 50/50. So it feels like she has some level of "it's a man's job to provide."
So you married a woman with 40k in CC debt who has no job and at the mere thought of making the money you make, her first instinct is to hoard it for herself while you pay the majority of bills for her. Sounds like you picked a real winner of a partner, bud. I’m sure she will never cause your family financial distress in the future.